As some of you might know my WH left last wk on a business trip, 3 countries (Japan, US, & the Middle East) in 10 days. Once he mentioned the US, after verifying that it was the city where we had lived & the OW still lives, I asked few ?'s, I found out when he would be arriving, then I bite a huge hole in my tongue & kept quite, no LB's. <BR>My plan was to send no emails except the list of wants from the states & anything that he might need to know concerning our sons. <P>Well he had hardly left Singapore air space before OS was assaulted in a club. I email my H the next morning, flurry of emails for several days. The day that he was to go to US, I emailed list, got lots of replies wanting more info on sizes & stuff, wanting to know if I had found anything for CNY (we have waited to late). Then Thus (ya'lls time) I get email where he had problems with a credit card. Really blasted me accused me of not paying it to hurt him (as only in his name), blah, I replied I knew nothing. Relied again that I didn't know why he thinks I want to hurt him, have I done anything to show I had, had 2 emails saying he was sorry, that he just popped off; this is twice this month he apologized when he has hurt my feelings. <P>I decided that since he was leaving I would ask why he was in the states. I got a nice reply. He stated reasons, our house hasn't sold, problem in another country, job interview (I knew it) & issues to resolve with OW. He said we talk when he came back. I asked for clarification especially on last 2 points. I got only about the job, explained he likes here, but worried about how long it would last (unlike most expats he is not under a contract, if economy holds, time is unlimited, he says business is poor). He said he was sorry he hadn't been good for me & that from now on he keep on top of our financial things, I have done a poor job of it for yrs, he has done nothing. <P>This was a need of mine that he didn't meet, while he has provided well for us, all the responsibly of it all has fallen on me & I hated it. I am also a spendthrift, if no one is checking on me, money just slips through my hands. He said we talk when he returns. I reminded him how I like to read the last page 1st of any book, I would like more information please, then told him about the boys, YS trip to Chinatown, OS leaving for interim trip. <P>Haven't heard from him in 2 days. Now there are a few places in the Middle East that it is hard to email from & that is the country he has been having problems with. He can't be afraid I take the boys & run, OS is out of the country till after H gets back. He even made a few suggestions about CNY. I did send him link to my photo page with photos of YS field trip to China town (I didn't lose these digital photos, I lost the 1st set I took, YS Den's trip to a US sub :mad <P>I was thinking this was a good sign, but now I am starting to freak. Even after all the hurt, false promises, I still want my marriage to work, I want it better than before, but I know we are down for the count, that we don't have many more chances, that I can not take much more with out some positives building me up, not even for my boys. I have thought if we could just hold on till OS graduates in 2 yrs (if he doesn't flunk out 1st, his GPA took a 1 point hit this semester) that we would be fine.<P>I have rambled, don't have some of ya'lls concise way with words, sorry. I need to go clean as that is one of my H's major EN's & I always let the house go when he is gone.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.<P><BR>

Hi Sing<P>Love you for all the support and friendship you have given me. i realy hope i can say something of help to you here.<P> Like you , I am heading up to "the talk" - and I am preparing for it a bit like an exam !!! i have been reading everything i can to help me formulate my thoughts and to clarify the "questions" I want to ask. Sometimes i rip it all up because in down moments i think he is only coming to tell me we have reached the end of the road - again !!<BR>Some of the things i have thought about:<P>1.Try and explain (briefly, because I can go on) that I still do love him (even after all we have been through)- and try and put it in words of affection, warmth, caring, compasion for the struggle he has been/is going thorugh - point out to him that it is not "romantic love" like he might have felt for OW but something deeper and built on many shared years and experiences.<P>2. Try andout in non threatening language that we need to rebuild together - he has previously said he tinks this is "too hard" so I am going to try and help him understand that it is "shared baggage" resulting form the deception that is part andparcel of any affair<P>3. Try and ascertain whether his main problem is one of shame, embarrassment, feeling a fool - and simply point out I will stick by him and never thorw it back at him<P>4. Make my bottom line VERY clear - no more contact with OW (if accidental, then tell me); honesty and openess, preparedness to recognise there will be tough times and walking away when the going gets a bit rough is not the way of dealing with it.<P>5. if he says But ..., ot "iam not sure" or "the end of the road" - try very hard to handle it with grace and dignity BECAUSE I know it will not last with OW. That does not mean I will be here to pick up the threads because I truly have come to the point where I need to move on alone and know i can - but it is not what I want.<P>6. I will not agree (again) to him remaining "friends" with OW - been down that path ! And, if he still wants more "time and space" revert to Plan B instantly.<P>Well, thats my plan ! Can I do it ? I dont know. Will I even get the chance to try ? Dont know. <P>Hugs to you - and take care; be strong.<P>My e-mail is harmar52@hotmail.com if you want to talk.<P>R

sing...<P>Hang tough as long as you can.<P>You have a difficult situation in your H being on the road...<BR>...and that makes any Plan A that much harder.<P>You have my prayers and thoughts.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hope that you can have a good talk when he returns. Like Jim said, it is hard to Plan A with him being away alot.<P>Hang in there and we will be anticipating an update from you this week. Good luck cleaning....not the most exciting task, but I have some to do also.

Sing,<BR>I’ve not posted to you for a long time. I did check your thread from time to time, but just didn’t know what to respond to you. I know it is still tough for you about the uncertainty in your future, the waiting, the OS finishing school, and the returning to the US. I know a month ago you wanted to pack up and return to the US. I hope thing quiet down a little. Please focus more on your kids, they need you more than before. I can see your OS’s grade was down from before. It was hard on them too. Think about what you want from all of this. There is a positive sign there that your H wanted to talk. I know that you still don’t know exactly what the talk is. Continue your plan A if you still can. Have you read the “five love languages” book or the “love solution” book? I believe I saw certain situation in the example there that might help you to understand certain perspective about you and your H issues. Please hang in there. The last time I remember you said that you wanted to return to the US in May. Is that still the case?<P>My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.<P>OOOO <BR>

Thanks guys for your replies. Now he will not be home till Tue night (morning for ya'll), so I get to wait.<P>But I am really at peace with everything.<BR>

Hi Sing<P>Thinking of you and awaiting a report. My only other thought is to be honest with yourself as well as him about what you want and what has to happen. Dont forget that you are familiar with all the stuff and words we learn on here but if he is like my H some of it may be double dutch to him.<P>Take care<P>R

Rose,<P>Thanks for thinking of me. Want know anything till Tue or maybe Wed. Not sure what time H is returning but he is still planning on all of us going away for part of CNY if we can find some place.<P>I think I am just going to see what he wants to talk about, I am committed to staying till end of school (early June), willing to return after Homeleave (think the OW would give up by then) but we will see.<P>So how was the day after your Bday? Aren't you & H going to talk at the end of the month? I hate waiting. <P>

Dear Sing,<P>I am so sorry I haven't had time to post much. Things are crazy here in a good way and I still plan on giving an update, but I did want to respond to you because I know your H is coming home soon.<P>I'm sure you know the drill by now. Hope for the best, but prepare yourself for the worst. I can see both positives and negatives in what your H has said. Good signs include the apologies, future plans, him suggesting that he wants to talk. Less than positive signs would include not giving you any hints about what he wants to chat about. As an optomist, I can turn that one into a positive too, though. If it is bad news, wouldn't it be easier for him to give you a hint ahead of time when he doesn't have to deal face-to-face with you?<P>While it is imposible not to analyze, I'm sure you know how futile it is trying to figure out how WSs think sometimes. My advice would be not to feel like you have to respond or have an action plan ready when you have the Talk. Give yourself some time to think and ponder before you really respond. I almost never feel that my first reaction was the right one when I am faced with a tough marital issue so I have learned to say, "I'll have to think about that."<P>I have felt so many times that your H and mine share some tendencies and I really think that your H needs some type of shock to his system to "wake up." It is really too bad that your options are so limited. The dose of reality that a separation provides sometimes breaks through the fog like nothing else can. I also think it makes it harder for them to hide from God, and from what you have mentioned about your H, it sounds as if he is hiding.<P>I have been and will continue praying for you and your precious boys. (I pray out loud at night with my 2 year old and I think he is wondering who "Sing" is!) Please take care of yourself and remember that God will take care of you no matter what the outcome. I'll look forward to your update.

Exhausted,<P>Glad to hear from you. Can't wait for your update.<P>Needless to say I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof today. Glad there is no one here but me.<P>I am planning on just listening to what my H has to say. I guess I am going on upbeat because he has never been able to handle bad face to face but after this long I really don't have my hopes up.<P>Actually he may have had a wakeup call in Dec. When we had our email discussion & one face to face when I offer to leave I let him know I wouldn't return to the state we left that I was going home. Few days later he wrote how he felt trapped (said it before) that if we left here in June, he knew I would go home & take the boys & he couldn't go there (I would guess he meant that, because OW is tied to 1 location)& that he couldn't be separated from the boys that way. Of course I don't know if OS would go with me, he would want to go back to where he grew up but then if I didn't go that would leave H with OS home for 2 yrs, don't see the 4 (her child) of them living together. <P>Thanks for the prayers, tell your 2 yr old that "sing" prays for him too. :<P>email me if you want gigi9078@hotmai<P>