OD is sick & was up on & off througout the night, so of course I've done a lot of thinking while I was trying to go back to sleep.<P>He is under so much pressure right now. . he feels he has to make a choice (I know that's mostly OW's fault, I haven't pressured him to stop seeing her, just said I want him in my life), but still he feels this pressure and doesn't know what to do. I know right now he doesn't want to lose either of us. But realizes he can't keep seeing both of us like he has been-because of OW.<P>It's like sometimes he begins to see the light of day about her-told me she's not really my type, I've been seeing things that I don't like about her, I'm not ready to get involved with her kids, she doesn't even know me, etc. But then when she gets upset he goes running to fix it and tells her stuff like "He & I are friends". <P>On one hand I feel terrible about the pressure he's feeling, it must be horrible and I worry about how he's going to handle it. He's feeling it from almost every aspect of his life, school, work, me, her, his parents, his friends.<P>Why is he allowing her to do this to him? He's listening to her, & following her directions. If it upsets her that he sees me he stays away from me. He's being loyal to her-UGGGHHHH!! She doesn't care about how HE is feeling-only about how he makes her feel. I on the other hand care about his feelings, not just mine, I really care about the struggles he's having right now and am doing my best to put my hurt feelings away & help him. Can't he see that? Can't he see that what he's searching for (acceptance, unconditional love, support) is right here?<P>I just keep remembering how happy he was the last time he left here and after he told her he was still going to see me. . .then she flipped and now he's miserable again. I hate that I have a part (even though it's not the starring role) in making him feel this way.<P>I feel really sorry for him. . I want to call her and say, can't you see what you're doing to him?? You're gonna break him. Let him alone! I know that's not the solution, but I want to protect him from all this. I guess it's just going to have to be a learning experience for him, but it sure looks painful, besides what it's doing to me.<P>Any suggestions on how to support him? I mean I always listen to him, even about her. I'm so, so sad for him right now.

{{{bitsy}}} She built up a lot of love units in your H's bank. Now she's withdrawing them at an ever increasing rate. This won't last forever, just hang in there! <P>Yes, it's painful to watch - but this is what has to happen to lift the fog your H is operating under.<P>I understand how you feel. I found out from my H that his OW had taken money from him that she was supposed to pay a parking ticket for him with. She kept the money instead, and his driver's license was suspended because he thought it was taken care of. My first response was: That &*^^ screwed over my H, how dare she!!!<P>Then I thought about it, and left the room to collapse laughing in my room with the door shut. Yes I don't like my H hurt, but in order for him to leave the fog, he needs to see some reality. The OW is your BEST ally right now, isn't that ironic? <P>Behind closed doors, cheer on her lovebusting!

You need to stick to your plan...Plan A. DO NOT call him. Let him initiate the call.<P>I know that you are feeling helpless right now. But let your H take responsibility for his actions. DO NOT ENABLE HIM. If you do, it can prolong the "fence sitting." After all, it is he who made this mess (getting involved in the affair). He'll have to face up to reality and need to deal with this on his own.<P>Let the cards fall where they will. You need to stay patient and keep consistent on what you are doing. Let the OW do all the footwork and Lovebust all over.

Bitsy,<P>I know from experience that the OP can hurt the WS..deeply..and I think the pain can be as deep when they come out of the fog as it is for the BS..maybe even more so..because not only do they hurt from the A and the feelings of losing someone they really do care about..but..they must also come to terms with the fact they hurt the person they are married to..so they have to face that reality too..and they hurt even more when they realize just how much they hurt you..the..<BR>If I hurt you near as much I hurt right now..then how can I ever make that up to you??? How can I fix it? the truth of the matter is..we can't make up for the pain we caused..we can only move forward and try to make something out of whats left..and hope that it's stronger than before..so be patient<BR>and give it time..He's probably looking very deeply at himself and how he's hurting..and once he's began to deal w/ that..he should if he's really a good man..he'll come back to you and try and make it a better marriage..<P>Hope this makes sense...