Hello to all...once again.<BR>Well I hope that you all aren't sick of listening to me, but the poop just hit the oscilator.<P>Last night I finally came out and asked my wife about her little EA and how it was going. I was half expecting to get the same answer that I had got before...that he wasn't going to leave his wife.<P>Well I got nothing...so I looked at her and said "are you sleeping with him??" Once again, nothing but the look that says yes. <P>So now I think that the EA has gone PA. She didn''t admit it, but she didn't deny it<BR>either. This makes more sense as to why she is in such a hurry to get a divorce.<P>I feel like I have been kicked, run over and chewed up. She says "I have feelings for<BR>someone else...I'm human". "As soon as I realized the extent of my feelings, I knew it<BR>was time to end my marriage"<P>Oh my god...I thought I was gonna puke!!! As most of you already know that feeling all to well. Obviously sleep did not come eaasy last night and I think that I got about 2 hours last night.<P>"I'm not in love with you"..Well of course you feel that way you alien infested idiot...you just told me you were in love with someone else! Geez give me a break.<P>Ok..now that I'm half done venting...help you guys. I feel like my whole world just came<BR>crashing down. For some reason I found it easier to deal with the EA. Hoping that he would dump her and she would want to come home. Now with it going physical ( I'm almost positive) she thinks that they have a future together. <P>One of her best friends that she has been talking to did the same thing to her husband about 6 years ago. She had an A with a guy at the hospital that shse worked at. She left her husband, he left his wife and now they are married. My wife says look at them...they are very happy. So to her this validates what she is doing. She sees notheing wrong with the fact that 2 families could be destroyed because of this. If she is in the "fog" then it is so thick right now that she can't see the front of her nose. Any morals that I thought that she had have gone out the window...<P>I said does his wife know about this??? She said yes...I don't know if I believe her or not. I can't imagine that his wife knows about this and is letting him stay in the house.<P>Lies, lies, and more lies. How do you know when the truth is told.<P>I just want to have 5 minutes alone with this guy...but I know it won't solve anything.<BR>What to do...What to do...<P>Plan A some more I guess. Talk to Steve about the new development...and try to keep from being sick... focus on my kids because they will need me as much as I need them. Try to get the vision of her and the OM out of my head and try to make it through the day.<P>Just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse...here we go again. Her take on the situation as I'm sure you all have heard before is that if she has these feelings of love for someone else, then she obviously couldn't love me and needs to end the marriage as soon as possible.<P>Oh man...do I ever need you guys now...<BR>~Mike~

Oh yes...<P>...more Plan A.<P>I only had about 4 months of time to do my Plan A (the early stages weren't too good)...<BR>...before my W moved out.<P>I wish had much more time...<BR>I wish I had found this site earlier...<P>Do try and cut back on any questions abou the OM...<BR>...usually they turn into LBs...<P>The focus of Plan A is <B>you</B>!<P>What bad things can she say about you...<BR>...when you use Plan A to be the perfect H!<P>...if she does...<BR>...it's just the "fog".<P> <P>Jim

Hi Jim...<BR>Anything that I did over the course of the last 10 years is being used as ammunition for validation of her leaving. She has been out of the house now going on 3 weeks.<P>You are right about not asking...#1 it is too painful and #2 it leads to LB.<P>It's so hard when my mind wanders to "Them" and I get these images that make me want to hurl.<P>I drove to work today and don't really even remember the drive. I thought the feelings that I had when I found out about the EA were bad...these are indescribeable. <P>Just when I thought that I had a handle on the situation...this happens. I guess we should be careful when we ask questions...we might get an answer that we don't like.<P>~Mike~

Mike - stop confronting her about OM. Right now she's sure of what she wants and you're helping her in her own little alien way to justify her decision. So stop it or a couple of us are going to come over and duct tape your mouth! Do talk to Steve. Give her some space and hold on. She's in deep and this won't resolve itself any time soon. Plan A to improve your self and let the clock run. The absolutely best thing you can do right now is to concentrate on your improvements and leave her alone. I know it hurts, but you cannot change her - she has to see things in reality and change herself. You need to present an improved Mike for when she starts questioning herself.<P>WAT

My guess is still that the OM is probably not as serious as she is. I suggest once again for you to contact the wife of the OM and make sure that she knows. My guess again is that the OM will cut of the relationship with your wife as soon as his wife knows. Hopefully your wife will realize that she has been living in a fog. I would not believe your wife when she said the wife of the OM<BR>knows.

Wat...LOLOLOL<BR>Does that mean that there are 102 uses for duct tape now???<P>I know that I need to keep my mouth shut. It is so hard when she wants to talk about the divorce.<P>One good thing came out of it last night though. I asked her if she had any idea of the type of pain that I was in. She said yes...which is totally Bull Sh** but she said that she would do anything to help me through this. I said ok...I want you to talk to Steve. ( which she refused to do last week).<P>She agreed to talk to him once and tell him her side of the story ( which is what he asked me to have her do.) She also agreed to go to counciling to "talk" about our marriage. Which means probably why she wants a divorce and not to try and resolve things.<P>I really want to be careful with the counciling thing. She won't let Steve do it because it's "phone counciling" she likes the personal approach. And I don't want just anyone to do this. Really want someone familiar with MB principles. <P>Oh yea...during the midst of all this she must have called her therapist because she called back and they had a big pow-wow and then that is when she agreed to all this extra stuff that she was so against last week.<P>So if she is feeling guilty, maybe it did a bit of good, even if it is to talk to Steve.<BR>I need to touch base with him and give him the updated information.<P>Has anyone here ever thought about setting up a phone tree for support purposes? I'd love to be able to talk sometime to some of you guys!<P>THIS SUCKS...<BR>~Mike~

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR>I suggest once again for you to contact the wife of the OM and make sure that she knows. <BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey Bryan,<BR>I guess that I am torn between telling and not telling. First of all they have an unlisted phone # because I tried to find it before. Second, if she doesn't know, and throws the SOB out then that will make it easier for the two WS to connect. <P>Have you done this? Did it work. I told my wife last night to tell the OM that he could expect a visit from me...and that after that his wife could expect a visit. That's when she looked a little perplexed and said she already knew. She also said that the OM said he would talk to me any time.<P>More lies??? Covering her butt? Boy...I really don't know. This doctor sure has a lot to lose, but stranger things have happened!<P>~Mike~

Mike - telling the OM's wife is something you should run by Steve Harley. I say this because I think you could run the risk of driving your wife and the OM closer together by doing something that they see is offensive. You will be giving them more reason bond together against you and your 'unreasonable' behavior.<P>On the other hand, giving your wife a time limit such as: "You tell the OM's wife by Sunday, or I will" might help to break up their affair if the OM wants to keep his wife.<P>If the OM is forced to leave and join your wife, I'd see that as a good thing. Reality is the biggest enemy of your wife's affair. Forcing them to deal with the reality of their choices instead of the fantasy will help end it.<P>Who knows, I'd consult with Steve before taking action like that.<p>[This message has been edited by BrambleRose (edited January 30, 2001).]

hey BR,]<BR>THanks for the heads up. I was thinkinng about doing just that. Steve has more experience in this kind of thing than I do and I trust him. <P>It is sad that my wife, who I trusted completely, has no credability at all now and anything that comes out of her mouth in terms of the OM is considered a lie. She has been caught 3 times recently in a lie and only told the truth because I had evidence.<P>It is also sad to think that I thought that my wife and I had a pretty good marriage. That this type of thing would never happen to us. Never say never...I guess.<P>~Mike~

Just a thought here, Mike...maybe you shouldn't talk about your relationship AT ALL!<P>I know in my situation (and my W has said all that yours has said and more), the less I bring up the OM, our marriage, our divorce, or possible reconciliation, the better. She's deep in the fog, and nothing will force her out of it, you just need time.<P>As I look back on my own failed Plan A, I realize that every time I brought up OM, or tried to talk about reconciliation, or tried to pressure my W into making a decision one way or another, it only pushed her farther away. Think about it: In her eyes, the OM is the man of her dreams and the solution to all her problems. He's just the nicest, most perfect guy, and can do no wrong at this point. You, on the other hand, are the source of all her problems. You're making it worse by clinging to her and seeming desperate. Emotionally, you're on you knees begging her to reconsider. From her perspective, you're just a whiner who can't deal with "reality."<P>Now, you and I both know that the OM is a piece of crap for what he's doing, and your W is just this side of delusional! Don't let her see the clinging, desperate Mike. Don't even bring up trying to "save the marriage," because that in itself is a LB. Focus on becoming a better man. The sheen will wear off her relationship with OM, it just takes time. When that happens, you need to look like an attractive alternative, not a clinging, overemotional mess.<P>As for the divorce, here's what I did: I said "if you want to divorce, fine. I won't stop you, but I won't help you. If that's what you really want to do, you'll have to do all the work yourself...I will not participate any more than I have to."<P>That made some difference, since she was forced to face the reality of what she was doing...going to court, filling out papers, dividing assets, splitting up money, and the fact of seeing her divorce on paper made her pause and think about what she was doing. In my case, I hadn't fully understood Plan A, so when that pause came, I wasn't ready for it. I hope you do better than I did!

cjack...<BR>She is in so deep right now she can't see anything. She feels that because she is in love with him...she can't be with me and therefore you know the rest. <P>I'm not sure of your story, and I know so far that I am a failure at not doing LB. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Wat said he would help me with that! LOL<P>You mention the pause, and I'm not quite sure what you mean, and why you missed an opportunity. <P>I thought that he had basically dumped her...but I think that was a big miscalculation. Last night the look on her face said it all, even though she didn't come right out and admit it.<P>I guess I would love to talk to some of you guys that have been doing this for awhile and get more perspective on this.<P>Thanks for your reply...I appreciate it.<BR>~Mike~

What I meant was, at some point she may question what she's doing. If and when things aren't going so well with OM (I suspect his W doesn't really know what's going on), or when the guilt and shame over what she's doing become too much, she may ask herself: "am I doing the right thing?"<P>If your W is like mine, she's not 100 percent sure she wants a divorce. She may tell you that she does, and that there's no hope for you, but you may see a crack in that armor. For me, it came when we were reading through our divorce papers. The question "is the marriage irretrievably broken" made her stop and think. She realized that the marriage COULD be saved, if she wanted to try.<P>At the time, I was wallowing in self-pity, grief, and anger over what she had done. She didn't have enough good reasons to come back to me then, or the divorce would have stopped right then and there, but it didn't. Now, after a few months of living on my own, working on myself, and spending time away from each other, she's started to realize what she had. She sees a different man than the one she left, and she's expressed an interest in making our relationship work, even after the divorce goes through next month.<P>

While your wife is deep in the fog, talking about your relationship is nothing but a love buster.<P>Just stay calm, upbeat, and busy with your own life when she's around. Avoid anything that will start an arguement. The OM will eventually screw up (reality sets in) and you'll start looking much better in comparision. It just takes time.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mbtrk:<BR><B><BR>Does that mean that there are 102 uses for duct tape now???<P><BR>Has anyone here ever thought about setting up a phone tree for support purposes? I'd love to be able to talk sometime to some of you guys!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>oh great.....now I have to go and get more duct tape.<P>as for the phone tree...I always thought that it was a great idea...if you can afford long distance and like talking to Canadians...<P>write the number down because I'm coming back to delete it...<P>Dylan<P><BR>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles<p>[This message has been edited by soulloss (edited January 30, 2001).]

<BR><p>[This message has been edited by soulloss (edited January 30, 2001).]

Hey Dylan...<BR>Thanks for the post. I got the number.<BR>Just when you thought that it couldn't get any worse....it just did. <P>My SIL just called and told me that she heard the OM left his wife this weekend. So that means that she does know something...<P>This is just one big nightmare. What to do now...<P>I thought I felt sick last night when I suspected the PA...now I don't know what I feel because it is definately worse than that.<P>I just feel numb.<P>~Mike~