I wrote several posts over the weekend with not much response. Now I'm glad. I did a lot of venting, but I was immersed in the poor me drama of the situation. Now that I've had a chance to reflect, I'm coming to a different point of view. I realized that I've always complacently believed, without even really thinking about it, that if I had to accept H's shortcomings, then he should accept mine. But, I didn't really accept his, I saw him as my project that needed fixing. I judged him subtly and not-so-subtly leaving him feeling "unsafe" and "unadmired" with me. And all along I thought I was "helping" him... Up until now, I've been focused on doing whatever I thought would make him come back to me with the obvious results being increased resentment, anxiety, and depression. Yes, it's hard to deal with the day to day reality of him living with OW, especially since H and I run a business together and OW is former employee, so our relationship issues are all out in the open. Yes, he's the one who's lost the respect of the rest of our employees and his family, who's neglected his responsibilities with the kids and at work, but hanging on self-righteously to that does not help me. H is just a suffering soul like all the rest of us. If I have to go through this horrific experience, I want to come out of it a better person, not a more bitter and cynical one. H said I need to let go of expectations (which they call in AA pre-planned resentments)and I resented him for saying it because it's obviously much easier for him to do that right now than for me. He's right though, but I have to do it for me. I need to unload the baggage I've been carrying, for me. And I need to really accept what lostva says, OW is not my problem, I am.