This is my first time in the forum and I am so confused. My wife and I had been married for only about a year and a half when I discovered she was having an affair last June. Everyone would call us the perfect couple. I cannot tell you how shocked I was since it was so out of character. She told me the affair happened basically because I was a bad husband. <BR>I have red all of Dr Hartley's info on this site last summer and realized I did many things to hurt our marriage. So after a few week of discussion I took responsiblity and asked my wife for forgiveness. I wanted to do whatever was necessary to make our marriage work. Her response was that she didn't feel it in her to try and make it work. I respected that and figured she was just going through withdraw from the affair and needed time. I asked her to never see or talk to him again.<BR>Which leads me to him. He is 39 and my wife 27. He is on his 3rd marriage and was having an affair with my wife during his wife 1st pregnacy. She is the one who told me about the affair. He said he seduced her from her 1st husband with kind words and gifts in an indentical fashion.<BR>Over the next 7 months I tried to meet her needs overlooking some red flags because I didn't want to believe she might still be involved. She remained distant from me even though we seemed to get along. I just asked for no suprises. She swore all contact with him was over. Low in behold she came home one night a month ago and said she was moving back home and left 5 minutes later. I was shocked. She said I'll be getting divorce papers.<P>Since then I discovered she was still talking to him and his wife found a letter written by my wife encouraging him to leave her and their child and that she will always be there for him. I cannot tell you how out of character this is for her. No one would ever believe she could do such a thing, including me. That is why I have felt such tremendous guilt - it must be me!.<P>Since them we have talked and I asked her to think about things before she goes ahead with the divorce which a month ago seemed imminent. We have met a couple times. The first time she said there was too much pain to come back to but she was going to take time to think. Then to my surprise she called me last week to go out to dinner. I thought for sure to discuss a divorce - however it was just to talk. She even seemed like she was having second thoughts. I since asked her out to dinner twice and both times she said she was busy.<BR>I just don't know what to think. Should I break off all ties with or do I wait and hope she comes to her senses? I what to tell her that I want to be a better husband but that has not worked to this point? Is she addicted to this man. I don't want to get a divorce and 6 months later she realizes what a mistake. Please advise. P.S. I'm am in couseling.<BR>

ernie z-so sorry you are here, but you will find so much help here. If you've got to be in the situation you're in, you're at the best place!<P>You will probably get a reply from NSR giving you some other posts to check out, so I'll leave that up to him.<P>But, you are right, an A is like an addiction. Your W sounds like she IS undecided right now. . she will need time & space to make her decision. You need to show her your best face and you need to actually BECOME that. Since you've already said you noticed things that you've done to help contribute to this (not that it is your fault-your W made the decision), but you need to work on those things and do what you can to show your W that you're changing.<P>If she brings up divorce, tell her that's not what you want, that you want to work on your marriage. Don't push. .she will probably run to him if you push her. Read the other posts here, ask questions here. There is hope!<P>Above all take care of yourself for right now. You'll find lots of people here who understand. Keep comming back!

Welcome to the forum. I know right now you are really confused, but it is important to stay focused on what you want. If you want your marriage, great, you are in for a long ride.<P>My H has been having an A since May '99. I found out Aug. '00. In the last six months I have faithfully worked on Plan A, but my H is still in the fog. i love him, and am willing to try to work on the marriage when he decides to. But I am not going to be his doormat either. I have worked on myself consistently through the six months. <P>I hope you find what you need here.

Thanks for the advice. I guess I feel like anything I do now is too little to late since she has left. I have done the same over the last 8 months trying to show her a better side with little or no response. I think her ongoing affair has something to do with it.<BR>Now I am hoping that since she has moved out and her parents are aware of the affair she might see things differently. Initially I thought her mother would be a help in bringing us together. However when we last spoke her attitude was "experts will tell you that women have affairs for a reason". Translation - my fault.<BR>It has been 5 weeks and we do not talk very often. I don't want to pressure her but I don't want to let our marriage go. Should I be asking her about reconciliation and what she wants or just give her time to sort through her feelings. Remember, 3 weeks ago she said she would think about things - prior to that she was going to file for divorce. I am trying to do the right thing. I would do anything to save our marriage. Any advice is appreciated. I have a phone consultation with marriage builders tomorrow.<BR>

I don't think you should talk to her about reconciliation (sp) right now, other than making sure she knows that you want your marriage and the door is open. While she's still in the A, she probably won't be able to think about that.<P>I'm sure that after your counciling session things will be more clear to you. Just work on you right now. Let us know how it goes.

I have a question. My wife still swears as she always has that our problems are not about him and that she is not going to run off with him. Even when I confront her with letters she wrote him saying she'll be there for him, she says I am wrong and misintrepreting. She claims that she wanted a divorce before the affair; although she never expressed any major problems to me. Am I crazy? Does this make sense or is that just a common lie when someone feels guilty about their affair.

Ernie,<P>Those are common answers Ws's give. My H told me he has just been going thru the motions the last two years-a month before he walked out he was still leaving me love notes everyday and would call me at work everyday. He said he would never leave me for another woman and that is not how this all happened. I have admitted to mistakes I have made also. Please read-read-read. Order books-Torn Assunder, Private Lies and How to Survive an Affair. These will help you understand what is going on. The reason for the excuse for the marriage being over before the affair because there was a problem that created a communication problem before the affair that is the reason for this excuse that is all it is-an excuse. I wouldn't confront your W with letters to prove the affair. You already know the truth. Plan A and Plan B are a must at this point. Its sad that a newborn is in the midst of all of this!! My thoughts rae with you. Keep talking to us-we are all in the same boat at some point.

Thanks for the tip to read Surviving The Affair. My situation with my wife almost exactly mirrors the example couple except we have no children. It almost seems like if I would have read it a few months ago I could have predicted her leaving. Regardless it has helped me sort out some of my feelings of guilt.<BR>My wife and I still meet about once a week and have had good discussions about the past problems we have had. However, I never bring up the affair and neither does she. I don't want to place blame nor do I need an apology. But it is frustrating because she acts like it is secondary to our marital problems and not the reason why we can't try to reconcile. According to her it's all about our marriage. Which I know was far from perfect but not horrible either.<P>All I have asked for is a chance to reconcile - nothing else. All she says is that she doesn't "feel it", "doesn't trust that I can change", "doesn't miss me" and "doesn't love me". It's very difficult to here her say she can't trust me when all I have done for the last 9 months is try to trust her and make a change in myself. I'm confused because I don't know if she really believes it or wants to believe it to justify the affair.<BR>I have no idea if the affair is still going on. The other man's wife says he wants to stay with his wife and their child - but he is a liar too. My wife lives with her parents and they are meeting helping to meet her financial needs; although she is capable of living on her own.<BR>The bottom line is that I still want to save my marriage. Yet everyday I feel that diminishing. Especially after the other night when she said the comments I listed above. Dr. Hartley writes that they will go back and forth showing signs of love for the betrayed spouse. Unfortunately hers seem more on the negative end of the spectrum. I just feel it's a shame to end a marriage after an affair without trying to reconcile since she may either still be in the affair or going through withdrawls. Any suggestions for someone who wants believe in the "never give up" motto but is losing hope?<BR>

The truth is that <B>you</B>... by yourself... can't save your marriage.<P>It takes three...<BR>you... your W... your God.<P>There has to be a unity of wills...<BR>...and with the free will each of us is given...<BR>...there is no guarantee.<P>By conintuing your journey on a Plan A...<BR>...you are following the right will...<BR>...you are making the right choice...<BR>...you are to be blessed.<P>It is... and will be... a struggle for you for some time.<P>Take heart in knowing that this can be the time to improve yourself...<BR>...in your eyes... in God's eyes... and if providence follows your desire... in your W's eyes.<P>Don't give up in your Plan A...<P>A time might come...<BR>...when that persitent hurt...<BR>...makes you yield to letting go... of that pain... and give it up to the above.<BR>When a Plan B... may lead you to refocus...<BR>...a new choice in life.<P>...but...<BR>...until you are there...<P>Stick firmly to Plan A.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 04, 2001).]

Dear Ernie, Although my H is 48 and OW is 22, the words out of his mouth during the early days of the PA (EA had been going on for some time) were exactly the same as your W's - how it wasn't about the affair but about our marriage and he didn't trust that I could change. Now he seems to be starting to come out of the fog. <P>It sounds like you're doing a really good Plan A so hang in as long as you can. <BR>

Hey Ernie!<BR>If I didn't know better I would think I was reading my story all over again. My W is still saying that this is not about the OM it is a symptom of a bad marriage and shewants a divorce because of that. The other man is telling his wife that he wants a divorce but it has nothing to do with my W. Hmmmmmmm amazing that all this has taken place within 2 months of each other. She now is professing that they are both madly "passionately" in love with each other, but still hold onto the idea that it is not about him!!! LOL I think her fog is as thick as cement!!!!<P>You will get good advice from a lot of tremendous people around here. Plan A as best you can. Admittedly I am not doing a very good job at it myself. I guess I just can't take the lies. It drives me crazy and I call her on it. So I LB quite a bit. If you can do that and feel good about what you are doing, then go for it. I have learned that no matter what as long as you feel good... then your life will go on with or without your wife! If she chooses to come back to you great!!! If not...it will be her loss not yours. It does get easier as I am finding out, and although I miss my W and the kids miss the family that they knew, I know that I will be OK. The kids will know who is really there for them when the time comes.<P>Good luck, and you are in good hands around here!!!<BR>Mike

Welcome Ernie:<P>One thing you'll discover if you're on this site enough is how similar the reasons that WS give for their affairs are. Part of that is quilt at having the affair and part of it is justification. Sure there were probably things wrong with the marriage, but it was her option not to try and fix things but to have an affair...and this is always wrong.<P>Now, it is very difficult to convince a WS that you have seen the error of your ways and have changed...especially in the face of an affair...the idolized OP is perfect...a true soulmate...totally different from you...and so much better. WS really has no reason to want to accept your changes...they have found what they think they need. So until the A is in the light of day...which I think it is now that she has left...and begins to experience the true tests of life...you have to continue to follow the Harley principles, stick to a Good Plan A, and continue to work on improving yourself. Try not to get discouraged...this situation took a long time to develop and it will take a long time to resolve itself...one way or another.<P>Time and patience...they are on your side...use them.<P><BR>Angels and Prayers - Faye

Thanks so much for all of your responses. This forum has really helped me see that others have had such similar experiences and maybe it is not all just me. I wish wife would read some of what is posted here. She thinks she is different. She really seems like she truly believes it is all about me not the affair. So much so that she sometimes convinces me. I do take responsibility for a lot of what went wrong in our marriage.<P>One thin is for sure - each day you get a little stronger. The last 9 months have been hell. Two months ago when she left I really wanted to die. My wife left 2 days before I was to start a much-anticipated new job that was going to be a wonderful opportunity for us. You all know how hard it is to just get out of bed in the morning, it was even worse to try and start and learn a new job. I almost quit before starting. Also, within the last month my mother has been diagnosted with some a potential serious health problem. Tests are pending.<P>My point in all this is that with each day I get stronger but I also fell just a little less like saving our marriage. It used to be all just about how do I save our marriage. But with all these tests in my life, I find myself starting to think more about me and not us. I would still do anything for an attempt at reconciliation. I am just afraid that a) she will never come out of this fog or b) I will soon stop loving her and my desrie to try and work things out will dissappear.<P>I have a lot of faith in God and do a lot of praying. I trust his will and will continue on with Plan A as long as I can.<P>By the way, the new job has been a God send. I just wish she were here to be a part of it.