I'm new to this board, but I very much need some help. A while back I started checking my fiance's Hotmail account every now and then, just for fun, to see what he had to say to his friends, etc. (He gave me his password, but I never told him I used it.) Recently, I started noticing very intimate e-mails from women he apparently chatted with online. "Innocently" surfing the web on his computer one day I found the chat room he went to -- a room for those interested in Dom/sub relationships! I asked him about it, and he was embarassed and said he was just playing around. I've continued checking up on his e-mails, and there has been one girl who has been writing to him more and more intimately for almost 2 months. She e-mailed him a private room name and password, and by doing some detective work I found the site and entered the information. I am sick about what I read. Elaborate sexual roleplay scenes that include a lot of sadistic activity! (cutting, hitting, bleeding, strangling, rape fantasies, etc.) I am completely crushed. My fiance and I have always had a healthy relationship (including sexual) but he has never given me the slightest indication he was interested in something like that. He is the sweetest, nicest, most wonderful guy -- or so I thought for the past 3 years. I don't know how to confront him about it because I am at fault for snooping. Ever since I saw that (yesterday) even the idea of him touching me sexually makes me ill. Please help.

{{{Jaded}}},<P>This must be a very hard thing for you...<P>You might not like what I am to say...<BR>...but I am compelled to say it anyay.<P>Leave this man...<P>You have not made a martial covenant with him...<BR>...right now <B>he is unable to make this commitment to you</B>.<P>He will need a substantial amount of time counseling to address this very dangerous illness...<BR>...and you have to accept it as just that...<BR>...an illness.<P>If you have a "date" (for marriage) set...<BR>...postpone it... break it... whatever it takes.<P>Suggest to him that he needs some professional help with this problem...<P>At this time in your life (heck... at any time in anyones life)... you don't need this.<P>Do check out the following links...<BR><A HREF="http://www.wildxangel.com/" TARGET=_blank>What They're Not Telling You - Or How to Read Between the Lies!!</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.chatcheaters.com" TARGET=_blank>Internet Infidelity Prevention, Detection, Advice and Books</A><BR><A HREF="http://netaddiction.com/" TARGET=_blank>Center for On-Line Addiction</A><BR><A HREF="http://temagami.uwaterloo.ca/~petz/affair.html" TARGET=_blank>Affairs of the Internet</A><P>Stay here and learn about relationship are much healthier...<BR>...even though they struggle...<BR>...than what "could be"... if you stay with this man.<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim

I'm not looking to leave him, because he is wonderful in every other way. I just need a way to confront him about this so we can talk about what is going on and what it means. I know I never should have "snooped" in the first place. And there is the matter that it is only on-line... he has never cheated on me in any other form since the day we met. And despite the lack of marriage certificate, we do have a deep commitment to each other.

If you are really and truly committed to each other...<P>1. Your snooping is more than OK...<BR>...in fact... to have full honesty in your relationship... have a committment from him (maybe even in writing) that you will have full access to all his computer/phone access.<P>If he cannot give you this...<BR>...you will not have an honest relationship in the future.<P>2. He must commit to stopping all such access immediately... <B>and</B> ideally start counseling.<P>Please don't miminize this behaviour of his...<P>Don't enable him to continue...<BR>...for his sake and yours!<P>If he loves you...<BR>...the way a husband should...<BR>...he <B>will</B> agree.<P>Take defensiveness on his part...<BR>...as the true sign of his commitment.<P>Being wonderful in every <B>other</B> way...<BR>Being <B>only</B> on-line...<BR>...shouldn't be enough.<P>Point him to this site...<BR>...let him learn about "Emotional Needs"...<BR>...and "Love Busters"...<P>You may want to look through the normal welcome I recommend (it is "infidelity" based)...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P> <P>Jim

Jaded,<P>Please don't underestimate what your fiance has gotten himself into by saying, "It's only online..."<P>Several years ago, my husband and I were friends with a married couple in our town -- John and Susan. One day, we were shocked to find out that John had been addicted to pornography for years (magazines, videos, phone stuff, etc). When this didn't satisfy him anymore, he began visiting the hard-core sites that you mentioned your fiance is visiting. I want you to understand that it doesn't take long until viewing these types of things and fantasy role-playing isn't enough. The person involved develops a strong need to act on these fantasies. Yes, even to the point of the things you mentioned...rape, hitting, cutting, strangling, etc.<P>John was arrested after trying some of those things on college students.<P>His wife left him when she suspected that he had started molesting their daughter.<P>And...<P>A friend from childhood married a man who she thought was a wonderful Christian man. When the two were dating, the man treated her like a princess. She believed that it was right to save sex until marriage and he lead her to believe that he was a virgin who also believed in waiting. So they waited and he didn't pressure her to have sex with him...<P>On their honeymoon night, my friend discovered that her new husband was NOT a virgin and had been addicted to pornography since he was 15 years old. He forced her to do awful things. He abused her physically and mentally. When they returned from their "honeymoon", he threw away all of her old clothes and bought her clothes that looked like something a porn-star would wear. He continued to use my friend to live out his sick fantasies. She lived a life of terror for about a year. She left him when he decided that he would not seek help. She was so terrified when all of this was happening that she didn't tell her friends/family about it until after she gained the courage to leave him. I still don't know everything that happened to her, and I don't want to know.<P>Please understand that this is a BIG deal that could become an even BIGGER deal.<P>I'm really not trying to scare you to death. I just want you to understand what it is that you are really dealing with.<P>Your fiance needs serious counseling immediately.<P>Hang in there and let us know how things are going.<P>Jill

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>