My wife is more in the fog than ever it seems. I think I'm ready to do something different, maybe plan B, maybe Plan D.<P>Last Wed. was her birthday and she worked late. The previous day, our son spent the night with her and he delivered a music CD I recorded for her as a gift. In a phone call Wed. I told her Happy Birthday and she thanked me with sincerity for the CD (even called me "Honey")and I asked her if she would come over on Friday or Saturday night for a real birthday party with our son. I told her he wanted to make a cake and do it like normal together. She said she would let me know and made it sound like she would like that. Never heard from her.<P>I had left her an e-mail Thursday about getting our son's passport application stuff from her because I made an appointment this morning (Sat.) at a post office to apply for it. He's going to London on a school trip in April. She never responded.<P>Yesterday (Friday), I found out too late that she had made an appointment with our son's shrink for 2:00 pm.(dealing with grief for the loss of his brother - he's really doing fine) She obviously didn't take him and never told me about it.<P>Last night (Friday) I was expecting her to come get our son for his usual Friday night with her. We were ready for her little party. She called and spoke to him only. Caller ID said it was a blocked number. They spoke for a few minutes and she said goodby right when my son was telling her that I needed to talk to her. When I asked my son when she was coming over, he said that she said he can spend the night with me tonight and Saturday, and he'll stay with her Sun, Mon, and Tues. I immediately paged her to call back. She didn't respond.<P>I suspect that she's intentionally avoiding having a birthday party with us and/or has weekend plans with OM to celebrate her birthday or is already out of town with him. <P>Per our separation agreement, we're supposed to have mutually agreeable times for having our son and she usually cooperates. Also, she's not supposed to make schedule changes or pass important information to me through our son.<P>She still owes me thousands with taxes and school tuition coming up.<P>I've had enough. I intend to deny her when she calls or comes over to get my son on Sunday. My reasoning will be that she didn't give me enough notice about this departure from the norm. Further, she was rude in not responding to our birthday invitation, denied her son the opportunity to celebrate her birthday, was irresponsible in missing our son's doctor appointment, and is being all around disrespectful to us and obviously has her priorities misdirected. She will go ballistic.<P>This will be a huge LB, but I need to put a limit on her irresponsible behavior with us. It has been months since she's been this bad.<P>I'm going to start composing a Plan B letter and see what happens Sunday. I intend to be business-like and calm when I communicate with her. I hate to put my son in the middle, but I see no other way.<P>Alternatively, I plan to tell her that I've had enough of her irresponsible behavior. She's pushed me over the edge and she'll be hearing from my lawyer.<P>Suggestions?<P>Dave (WAT)

Dear Dave,<P>My heart really goes out to you!!! I know I don't have to tell you that both you and your son deserve A LOT better treatment than this. I know from painful experience that it is one thing to put up with their lack of love or in love feeelings or whatever they want to call it. They may or may not be able to control those feelings at will. But, it is entirely another thing to put up with blatant disrespect. It feels like being kicked when you are already down for the count and when you haven't even been fighting back!<P>My mood at the beginning of this week was plan B all the way. Steve Harley spent 45 minutes talking me out of it. (I really thought he would be talking me into it.) Every situation is different. He thinks my H might still be mulling over things that Steve told him and it wasn't time to rock the boat. Also, I was a controller in our marriage and plan B looks like the ultimate control move. <P>Dave, your situation is different so I'm not telling you don't go to plan B. I would absolutely advise you though to not make your decision too soon, i.e., when you are still very hurt and angry over her recent treatment. Is there some possiblity that she is purposely, or even subconsciously trying to get you mad enough to LB big time and then she can blame you for taking that next step away from you? Sometimes I think my H is maybe doing that subconsciously. As Steve told me, it is very hard to divorce someone that is being very nice to you!<P>Believe me, I am not trying to minimize your pain and frustration and it may well be time for plan B for you. You have certainly demonstrated your "new" good habits in plan A. But please don't make a rash decision. Maybe think about it for a week and then if you do it, it won't look like retaliation for her recent bad behavior. <P>I hope I haven't overstepped. I hope nothing but the best for you.

I agree with exhasted, Please wait awhile before you make any decision. Do start to write your plan B letter, sometimes just writting it, editing it can make you feel more in control and moving along, but wait to send it until you are past this hurt and anger. Try and think of this as a challenge. I too beleive they try to get you to be the bad guy. In the stop your Divorce website they say that a wife never leaves a man that is happy. Put on that happy face and blow her away. Dont confront her about the bday... can you make palns to do something great this weekend that you can tell her about next time you talk? <P>Hang in there WAT!<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>Interested in the website you referred to Divorce? Do you have the exact address. I would be interested in visiting it.<P>Thanks Hopelessmom

Oh WAT-I feel for you and your son so much. This poor child, with everything he's lost (and the same goes for his father). I don't have any advice for you, but I do think that the other posts make some sense, about just waiting a few days & making sure you still feel the same way. Be sure you're doing this because you think it's time, not because you're emotions/anger right now.<P>I will be thinking of you & your son and you will both be in my prayers-your wife also. Please take care.

Hey Dave,<P>I feel hesitant in advising you to give a plan B letter as I have no experience with that. I do, however, think that it is good to start writing one in case you do decide to give it to her. I would hold off on telling her that she pushed you over the edge and she will be hearing from your lawyer. I think she could do something rash. First decide if you are going to do Plan B. After you do that, when the time is right call the lawyer. Just my opinion.<P>cleo

Dave,<P>As you know, I waffle about Plan B as well. In my head I also fantasize about a surprise delivery of divorce papers with the adultery box checked off. That is how you can do it here when you have been separated less than a year. I think about that when I am really fed up with this mess. However, I don't think it is the right thing to do. I did start a Plan B letter awhile back, and it is good to just do it even if you don't use it (yet).<P>This foolishness you are seeing is stuff I've endured as well. One of my speculations on why she'd get like this in this particular case, is because you did something very nice for her, she couldn't help but thank you because it was from the heart. However, she is still in the fog, and cannot show you too much niceness, because they have to keep this wall/barrier up and not give you the wrong impression. You are supposed to be the bad guy. She probably doesn't want to have to address the birthday issue, so ignoring is easier. My wife is a master at avoiding issues rather than dealing with them. This sounds similar.<P>I would not recommend that you tell her that she'll be hearing from your lawyer. Think about that one for a bit and you'll probably agree. I'm sure you are now in the center of this tornado, and you need to step back and focus without reacting to the inner turbulence.<P>My best advice is don't react now. Talk to Steve first as planned and get his reaction. That leaves Sunday night up in the air, but perhaps you can make plans and tell her that you already had plans, and that her sudden rearrangement of visitation must be communicated directly to you, not through your son. Doing it underhanded isn't right (ie. by telling your son).<P>As usual, we are both in similar phases of this evolution. I was planning on posting today too, because I have so many conflicting feelings about what to do. Mine is full of bizarreness as always.

I second the plan to talk to Steve Harley before doing anything else. He seems to really have a feel for what is best in each individual situation. I went to Plan B, on his recommendation, after only about a month of Plan A. I was nervous about it since most of what I read here encourages Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. But, in my case, Plan B worked wonders after only about another month. My H hated it and it started the process of him moving back toward me. I'm now on Plan A, again at Steve's recommendation, until we talk to him again on Wednesday.<P>Good luck. None of us deserves to be treated the way we're treated by our WSs.

Dave,<P>Think you have gotten good advice. It never hurts to wait before you act. Talking to Steve again before you act would be good idea also.<P>Was your son upset that he didn't go to his Mom's this weekend? Not changing days with her sounds good but do it nicely. Plan something were you have a good reason. Hope you & your son enjoy your unexpected weekend together.<P>Your W makes me so mad. I don't understand how she can treat your son this way, I would think after losing a child that you would cherish every minuet you have with the remaining one. But I forgot I am talking about WS here, their wishes, plans, feelings, wants are more important than anyone else’s because they have finally found happiness.<P>Dave, you are really good man, hang in there.<P><BR>

Thanks all for the support. I will wait to get advice from Steve. Coincidently, I have an appointment with him on Wed. It is now obvious that my wife went away for the weekend and expects to get back sometime today (Sunday). I plan to deny her request to have my son tonight for two reasons 1) We have "plans." The same reason she gives me when she can't do something or be somewhere. If she argues I'll explain that I had "plans" both Friday and Saturday night that she ruined with no warning. (Of course, having my son was better.) 2) I don't want him snowbound with her in her apartment. She likely hasn't been grocery shopping or otherwise prepared and it's likely we won't be able to get around for at least two days. This will mean she won't be able to have him Mon. and Tues. like she planned. I have a all wheel drive vehicle and I can move around much easier than her if there's an emergency. Also, he would rather be here near his friends here and the hill they play on in the snow (right behind my house).<P>She'll throw the 50/50 custody agreement argument at me, to which I'll calmly reply that the schedule is supposed to be mutually agreeable, and she didn't even speak to me about her intentions. I'm confident I can do this calmly, but I feel it'll be a big lovebuster to her.<P>Any suggestions?<P>Dave (WAT)

Dave sounds as if you are ready for her. If/when she makes you angry take a deep breath & count to 10, 20 in a foreign language. Good luck.<P> Enjoy the snow, could you throw a few snow balls for me, maybe a ride down that hill..... :<p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited March 04, 2001).]

Dave,<P>When it comes to protecting your kids and putting a stop to blatantly disrespectful behavior, I believe you are entitled to take a stand. Of course you'll do it in a calm and caring way If she chooses to view it as a LB (and she probably will), that is too bad, but unavoidable sometimes. Life outside the fog must go on to. I'll be thinking about you tonight!

Thanks again for the replies. The other variable is what my son wants to do. He feels a certain responsibility to equally "share" himself with each of us. I explained to him that I intended to tell Mom that I prefer he stay with me tonight because he'll get snowed in there and won't be able to play here with his friends. He said he'll talk to Mom about it when she calls. I explained that I thought it was rude for Mom to change the weekend plans at the last minute and avoid our party for her. He always defends her, saying she probably still wants a party and she must be busy doing something important. At 12, he's not quite old enough to accept what's going on. It'll be hard for me to go against his wishes if he really wants to go to her place. In that case I guess I have to relent - but not without an explanation to my wife that I thought her handling of this weekend was disrespectable and this cannot happen again.<P>Dave

Dave,<P>Your poor son. Hope your W doesn't pull a guilt trip on him. <P>good luck. I am sure you will do the right thing.