I don't know if anyone has been following my posts this last week but I will try to sum it all up-Last Saturday H tried to contact me 3 times by phone (caller id helps out) and came over (left mail in doors) but I wasn't home (was actually out spying)I haven't heard from h in a month before all of this-H went to OW's house last Saturday-but went there later than usual-Usual is all day-he went there after 8pm. My counsler had me call him to see what he wanted. I left a message for him. H called me Thursday at work-said he stopped out to check on the house and see how I was doing money wise (He left a note two weeks early telling me how bills were going to be paid and that was final so I did not feel I had the option of saying yes or no to his plan) I told him I was doing okay. We talked about the house and such and I asked when he wanted to get the rest of his stuff out of the house-he was real hesitant and asked if I needed it out now-I said no the last thing I wasnt to do is force him out the door. I told him how it was still his choice for ending the marriage. It was a good conversation. Tonight I get home and find a note from H-he shorted me $200 and said he could not follow thru with helping me. I could really care less about the money-I have no blood family to help me BUT I do have friends that I call family that will lend and even give me money and I have a good paying job-if things get worse I can always get another job-so this is not an issue-My problem is the note-<BR>H said he was not trying to be nasty by shorting me but he needed to start looking out for "me" and he underlined me (me being himself ) He went on to say how much he would pay the items he is responsible for and then ended with "I'm really not doing this to be nasty, just looking out for myself a little more". I don't get it-yes-I took my H for granted last year but I have not tried to "trick" him into helping me these past four months with financial stuff I have been telling the truth and provided him proof that I have been honest with the money issues and I always have put him first-ALWAYS!!! I could go on with how I have but I know in my heart I have been a good wife. Yes-I made mistakes but I have not belittled him or anything. Why does he make me feel like such a bad person when all I have doen is tried my [censored] off these past 4 months and showed my love the past 8 yrs.......Was I really that bad of a wife?????I just don't get him at all.....Is this OW talking saying I am trying to trick him money wise-because honestly I have been minding my p's and q's so much this is all she could try to attack me on...Or did he really just fall out of love with me and moved on....Sometimes I wonder if this is really what happened-I woke up one day and he was gone-he waited awhile and started seeing this friend because they were both going thru a D and now he is moving on with life and I don't matter anymore.....who knows????<p>[This message has been edited by Trs (edited March 16, 2001).]

Trs,<P>I seriously doubt that you were a bad wife. Just as I know that I was not a bad husband. We tend to make decisions in our lives to help ourselves, and unfortunately these sometimes leave our spouses with unfulfilled EN. Does this make us bad people? No, just human. I too know that I made mistakes in my marriage. I now see the EN that I never met fully, and the OM stepped right up to the plate and met everything that I didn't. This hurts, but it is also enlightning. I now have the chance to become a better person.<P>As far as the way your H is writing notes to you, my W has talked to me the same way. She gets very angry at me for trivial things, and I can't seem to do anything right. The nicer and calmer I appear to her, the angrier she gets. I truly beleive it is because she so fogged over. This is most likely the same reason your H treats you the way that he does.<P>Keep your chin up. Don't doubt who you are, or what you can accomplish.<P>Griz<P>------------------<BR>Sometimes the hardest journeys in life are not the ones you embark on alone, but those that you choose to travel together.

HI TRS,<BR>I am not familar with your story....I dont get here as often as i used to. Your post caught my eye.<BR>I have no doubt that you were and are a good wife. Just as you sound like a very good hearted person. It is not you trs, it is him. <BR>Sure we all have to own up to our mistakes in a relationship, just as MB states. But that does not mean we are bad-it means we have some growing to do. It sounds like you are growing in wonderful ways.<BR>You are taking the high road, you have a counselor, you are successful and independant. I think you sound wonderful!!!<BR>(((((hugs)))))

Dear TRS,<P>It sure does seem that way sometimes? Being made to feel like we are the 'bad guy' because the BS is preventing the WS from being able to take care of himself (or herself). <P>Yea right, but what about the obligations the WS created before the split? What about the agreements made while the WS was in a reasonable state of mind? Is it ok for the WS to change their mind in a split second so that the tables of life can be turned in their favor? <P>What do those words mean: WS "was not trying to be nasty by shorting me but he needed to start looking out for "me" and he underlined me (me being himself ) He went on to say how much he would pay the items he is responsible for and then ended with "I'm really not doing this to be nasty, just looking out for myself a little more". <P>Well then if it was not nasty, what was it? Being a jerk, OP pulling on their money belt too hard? Or like the OW in my case told me that I was using my H as a 'money bag'. Little did she know that I was the one who has the money and H was using me as his personal money bag. Boy, is the OW stupid. Hmmmmm!!<P>Reality check time: Who has been keeping the family together when WS's go out and have a time and times and many more times with the OP's? Who is the one trying to forget their family obligations? BS or WS? <P>OK, if it is ok for the WS to look out for themselves, then it is ok for the BS and family to look out for themselves? <BR>It is ok for the BS to look out for themselves even if it is at the detriment to the WS? Well...... something to go hmmm. <P>Most WS's don't want and probably can't afford for the BS's to take advantage of them. In my case, I have been paying for H's credit card bills and other expenses (not all but most). Tonight, H has the nerve to say that he will not provide another penny (to reimburse for his bills that I fronted money on and paid). This is not child support or alimony, this is his portion of the taxes, credit card bills, medical insurance, auto insurance and day care fees.<P>H says, I need to stand in line with the other creditors that he has not paid since he moved out 2 1/2 months ago. See how much better it is for H to be out there 'trying to find himself'? What did he find? Well, OW doesn't want him, yet. I certainly do not want him back in this frame of mind. H has not reached any of the goals he set out for.<BR>In fact due to his financial position, he is in an even worse bind to buy a new car.<P>But it is ok for H to live in a rented room which takes about 1/3 of his current salary. He will not move from there since he feels uncomfortable. Moving in with his mother is NOT an option for him (it really is an option but he is too proud and does not like the way his mother keeps her home). He can't come back to my house since the wants to divorce us. <P>So his options are to move in with OW (slight problem, OW's H wants to work on the marriage again at least that's the rumour I heard), live in his truck (like a homeless person) or get a cheaper place. <P>H would rather, make all of us suffer so he can have his small room of comfort. Does he care about his commitments?<BR>No, only when it is brought to his attention by force. <P>Bottom line response to WS's: You think you now need to 'think about yourself'? Well, that type of attitude is what got you into this mess in the first place. Why should the WS's lead a relatively carefree life while most BS's struggle to make it through the day to day items in life?<P>Hey, just want to show you from these questions, that you are the one that has their head on right. Now how to fix Ws' head? Not easy to do. A lot of patience and hope that the fog will lift. Most of it depends on the attitude of your H. In the meantime, you will continue to be the responsible party. In time, many will see your accomplishments. Your H may even acknowledge it. <P>In the meantime, think about yourself, share with others your laughter and tears. Even let you WS see you so that they will know what you are going through. <P>Take care, Trs, you are a good person. <P>L.<P>