<P>My W has been having an affair over the phone and via email with with an OM since october. OM lives in another state and according to her they have never met in person. In december i asked her to stop and she did (or at least she old me she did). Since then we have been focusing on my OCD and my obsession with her. She keeps saying I won't give her the space to grow.<P>Three weeks ago she told me we needed a separation. Then told me that she has in fact continued the communications with the OM. But insisted that they just had a friendship. Recently her parents and sister have been very supportive of me and tried talking to her about how wrong she has been. She called me the other night and said that she has been thinking about things and wants to try to work on the marriage for us and the kids. When i got home she did everything to avoid talking to me or being around me. <P>At bed time i asked her what her interpretation of "trying" was because she was making me confused. It eventually came out that she is only trying because she will lose her whole family if she doesn't. Then i asked THE question. i asked if she loved the OM and she said yes. i had asked earlier if she loved me and she said that she loved me but was not "in love" with me. i asked if she thinks that as she was falling in love with OM that she was falling out of love with me and she said yes.<P>she says that she has stopped communications and that she is willing to take us on a day by day basis, but is not willing to put in a long term effort to try to make things work.<P>my questions are<P>- can someone really fall in love with someone she has never met in person (except for 21 years ago in highschool)?<P>- am i too late to try and save our marriage?<P>- i truly love my wife and would do anything to make this marriage work, but she keeps talking divorce. before this affair we were extremely extremely happy. how can this happen so fast?

In the last reply of the "internet relationships" thread,theres an article that details how these online things get started and progress. My H's A started this way in a very short time. And it is the same with ALL of them. Show her that. It may not bring her clarity because she will think they are different and special. But they are not...It helped him and us to see that this is all so painfully common...and NOT special. <BR>Best to you, I hope it doesn't get worse before it gets better. We are 7 months from Dday and 4 months into recovery. Every day now gets better, but not in the beginning. They all say, BTW, I love you but I'm not in love with you. ALL OF THEM

I have dealt with that disgusting sentence. " I love you, but I'm not in love with you." "I love her sweety..." Ya...I am walking around still know ing my H cannot leave his dish. He "sort of" wants me as a wife, but he doesn't know.<P>I finally had to ask my H to move out it was getting so painful. The idea that he could not talk to me, or really communicate at all killed me because he could talk to her three times a day. She is out of state too and they get together at some business shows. I can't compete with his romantic idea of this relationship. It is mostly an EA on the phone that is accented with powerful meetings of PA for about four days. Every other month. I wonder how they get any work done!<P>Home, history, children and family cannot sway him to give her up or give our marriage any kind of chance. But he says he does not want divorce. But he doesn't want marriage either.<P>H did not realize he was unhappy either, but he must have been uncontiously looking. I do not know much about internet fantasy. It is addiction of a bizarre nature. But it is an allure of fantasy, because you can live out your fantasy of yourself, and of the other person. that is the trap. People like you describe to the other party really cannot exist. One should know that. it does start as a game. It does go this kind of crazy way into "love." I don't get it, but I know i will not try it! Too many sicko's out there. <P>

I've been where your wife is. If you look at the string I started called "Come on baby lift my fog" (page 3?) you'll find that I thought and felt many of the things your wife is feeling and the MB community helped me talk and think my way through them. You've probably heard it before, but an affair of this sort truly is an addiction and addictions aren't easy to beat. The faceless internet EA is an illusion. It's a fantasy. It isn't real. Many of the good people here helped me understand that on my string. Take a look at it and see what they had to tell me. I think it might help you understand what's in your wife's head.

<B>sadandconfused</B>,<P>Do review my reply to you in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007892.html" TARGET=_blank>Looking for answers</A>.<P>Have you started on Plan A yet?<P>I would recommend that you (by yourself ifyour W won't join you) have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Getting professional direction is to your benefit.<P>You'll never know when it's too late to save your marriage...<BR>...but now is the time to save your sanity!<P> <P>Jim

I am in the eary stage of a similar situation with my wife. She is at the start of an emotional intimate chat and e-mail relationship with another man. As you may have seen some of my recent posts, my wife has previously expressed her inner thoughts that she does not believe in fidelity as a life long possiblilty in any marriage. In some very difficult conversations she has agreed to commit to be faithful as long as we are in love and married. I explained that it is the only way I would accept staying with her. She has this open thinking that life is to live and should another marvelous opportunity come along to experience love, not living it is not living life. I said thats fine but go live these experiences without me. Marriage is marriage with all it´s consequences. So evidently she wants to express her ability to love so why not on the net. Well it´s now 1-2 hour daily chats and e-mails. Which some I have read. She is looking for an intimate friend as she claims to him. She explained her open thinking and beliefs on marriage so the impression this man is getting is that she is a bound women with an inner desire to be "free". He is very intelligent, 45 she is 37. The poetic verse that is being exchanged borders on romantic but not sexual or seductive. Example: "Our friendship and feelings for each other can be heard from our souls and hearts" and so on..... He is smart so he is playing her feelings and we know what he really wants. He also now wants her photo to "feel her friendship" Bull.<BR>My wife denies that she plans to go any further than looking for a close friend who she does not plan to meet. The communications always include discussions about "barriers" and "liberated souls" More Bull. It has been proven where these type of situations lead so I have been on her quite heavily and it is stressing our relationship. She is not giving in easily to this guy but its only time. Or never. I am really suffering and have lost a lot of trust in her even though she has not crossed any physical barriers. She does love me, we make love almost daily and still look at each other like teenagers. But she is a very deep and unique person so I believe she is capable of loving me and desiring more as well from another, she says no. Its´not easy.