This is a letter I wrote to friend, asking for advice. I pasted here for further advice if anyone has an opinion.<P>Wife had an affair, d-day=12/23/00. She's been out of the fog since early Feb.<P>---------<P>Going on a family vacation to Las Vegas and grand cayon. Not my idea but willing to go anywhere with my wife. It's not where you go, but being with who you're with.<P>Wife is "out of the fog", remorseful and re-committed. From my first statement you can see that I am still in love with her (am I a sucker?), desire her and STILL want to spend my life with her. The only issue is the resonating feelings and images in my mind about her affair. YUK! I think those feelings will become weaker over time. A lot of time!<P>How are things with you and Jon?<P>Anyway, Deb, queen of wisdom & experience, I have a question for you... If you have time.<P>My wife is an RN. She works in the med-surge unit at **** hospital. It's the basic unti where most people go that don't need critical care, it might be considered boring. Her dream is to fly in the Reach helicopter that air-lifts people from accident and other critical situations. I support her dream... I suppose.<P>Because she doesn't want to give up her full-time position with "med-surge" it is difficult for her to gain the critical care experience she needs to fly in the helicopter. She wants to join the volunteer fire departent where we live and work her way into critical situations that she can call experience. CDF even has a helicopter she can fly in, supposedly.<P>My dilemma with insecurities:<P>A. fireman, paid or volunteer, automatically get an extra two points (on the attractiveness scale of one to ten) for being a fireman. This is a big funny joke to me and my wife (Jennifer) but does hold some merit.<P>B. Obviously the fire department is made of almost exclusively men. As you know, some men together (w/o their signifacnt other), go into a feeding frenzy around good looking women, Jennifer. Jennifer has never been one who I could classify as extremely loyal, even before the affair. By nature she has been an attention seeker. Dealing with her attention seeking nature was never easy but seems impossible after her affair.<P>C. I believe her intention to join our local fire department is sincere and that she really is only looking to gain experience and the attention of being good at what she does.<P>I'm scared that she will succumb to the male attention she will get from being in the fire department and, whether she has another affair or not, will form relationships with other men that are not based solely on the bond that comes from working together. Even if these feelings are not acted upon, I'm so FRICKIN' NEEDY that's it's not acceptable for me. (I do know, now, that I have to find happiness within my self and not rely sole on her for my happiness, it's hard but I'm getting there).<P>She knows that I'm thoroughly un-excited with her joining the fire department, I seem to get real quiet and basically cop a big attitude now that it has come up again (she is supposed to interview tomorrow). After she saw my reaction last night (silence and withdrawn) she got a big attitude and said "f*** it, I won't do it - just for you". To this point I've never told her "if you do this, I'm gone", I feel like doing it.<P>And Deb, I know, if she's going to cheat she's going to cheat. I tried to explain to her that if she wanted to join the "all male" fire dept. and NOT had affair I would accept it but because "you blew it" and blew my trust this situation is more sensitive and suggested that she make some sacrafices.<P>I know the right answer - let her be who she wants to be and do what she wants to do. I just wonder whether she should, in the name of repect, sacrafice some things because of her mistake, at least for a while. Or should I just get over it and harden further?<P>I await your opinion, if you have one.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by It_makes_me_crazy:<BR><B>Or should I just get over it and harden further?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Was the OM a co-worker? If so, I'd say not no<BR>but hell no. <P>Bama<BR>

I hope this doesn't sound really bad...But YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP-YOUR SPOUSE-PROBLEMS YOU HAVE WITH A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX!!<BR>That in itself is asking for trouble--friends? Was your letter adressed to a woman and her husband or to her alone?<BR>In my view, it is disrespectful, dishonest to do this behind a spouses back. My H did it for 8 years-unknown to me--I found that out from recorded sent mails-after I found out about his A.<BR>Totally inappropriate--he ended up ending those friendships with no contact letters to those women--If a woman is a friend to you, she should, also, be friends with your spouse--discussing marital problems with one spouse--is not being friends with the other spouse. <BR>Even if this letter is sent out to a family member--how would your wife deal with that letter--asking for advice... and others knowing about your personal affairs?--If it is behind her back--you are being dishonest and unfair, and doing some of the things that I am sure led to her affair. If you are trying to work on your marriage this letter, (if behind her back ) is not going to help the marriage...<BR>It sounds like you can't trust her---and this letter --should she trust you?<BR>Yes, I am deeply disturbed by your sending this letter to a friend--female--talking about your insecurities--sounds way too close!! Have you told your wife those feelings--she should be the one hearing that. I don't feel that your wife would take that letter very well. I would be absolutely livid...And you know what --after all I have been through...It will only take one letter like that for me to leave my H now--because now he knows how disrespectful that would be to me...and he knows that the women know it is disrespectful to me--and by both allowing it--neither is a friend to the other, nor me...<BR>I think you have a lot more to deal with than your wife working with a group of men.<BR>(Which I can understand would disturb you--very much--that should be discussed with your wife and maybe a COUNSELOR).<BR>I know that may sound harsh --it is my honest opinion...

I see your point crete, but not exaclty as you do. The rule that I follow is: with other women, act like your wife is in the room. In my opinion that is what I am doing. My wife knows of my communication with her. I've made it very clear to this woman and others that I have absolutely no intent on cheating on my wife. <P>Something else to keep in mind (I'm sure you've thought of this). I'm not the one who had an affair. I'm not a liar, sneak and am not the one with my pants down.<P><BR>