This is a letter I wrote to friend, asking for advice. I pasted here for further advice if anyone has an opinion.<P>Wife had an affair, d-day=12/23/00. She's been out of the fog since early Feb.<P>---------<P>Going on a family vacation to Las Vegas and grand cayon. Not my idea but willing to go anywhere with my wife. It's not where you go, but being with who you're with.<P>Wife is "out of the fog", remorseful and re-committed. From my first statement you can see that I am still in love with her (am I a sucker?), desire her and STILL want to spend my life with her. The only issue is the resonating feelings and images in my mind about her affair. YUK! I think those feelings will become weaker over time. A lot of time!<P>How are things with you and Jon?<P>Anyway, Deb, queen of wisdom & experience, I have a question for you... If you have time.<P>My wife is an RN. She works in the med-surge unit at **** hospital. It's the basic unti where most people go that don't need critical care, it might be considered boring. Her dream is to fly in the Reach helicopter that air-lifts people from accident and other critical situations. I support her dream... I suppose.<P>Because she doesn't want to give up her full-time position with "med-surge" it is difficult for her to gain the critical care experience she needs to fly in the helicopter. She wants to join the volunteer fire departent where we live and work her way into critical situations that she can call experience. CDF even has a helicopter she can fly in, supposedly.<P>My dilemma with insecurities:<P>A. fireman, paid or volunteer, automatically get an extra two points (on the attractiveness scale of one to ten) for being a fireman. This is a big funny joke to me and my wife (Jennifer) but does hold some merit.<P>B. Obviously the fire department is made of almost exclusively men. As you know, some men together (w/o their signifacnt other), go into a feeding frenzy around good looking women, Jennifer. Jennifer has never been one who I could classify as extremely loyal, even before the affair. By nature she has been an attention seeker. Dealing with her attention seeking nature was never easy but seems impossible after her affair.<P>C. I believe her intention to join our local fire department is sincere and that she really is only looking to gain experience and the attention of being good at what she does.<P>I'm scared that she will succumb to the male attention she will get from being in the fire department and, whether she has another affair or not, will form relationships with other men that are not based solely on the bond that comes from working together. Even if these feelings are not acted upon, I'm so FRICKIN' NEEDY that's it's not acceptable for me. (I do know, now, that I have to find happiness within my self and not rely sole on her for my happiness, it's hard but I'm getting there).<P>She knows that I'm thoroughly un-excited with her joining the fire department, I seem to get real quiet and basically cop a big attitude now that it has come up again (she is supposed to interview tomorrow). After she saw my reaction last night (silence and withdrawn) she got a big attitude and said "f*** it, I won't do it - just for you". To this point I've never told her "if you do this, I'm gone", I feel like doing it.<P>And Deb, I know, if she's going to cheat she's going to cheat. I tried to explain to her that if she wanted to join the "all male" fire dept. and NOT had affair I would accept it but because "you blew it" and blew my trust this situation is more sensitive and suggested that she make some sacrafices.<P>I know the right answer - let her be who she wants to be and do what she wants to do. I just wonder whether she should, in the name of repect, sacrafice some things because of her mistake, at least for a while. Or should I just get over it and harden further?<P>I await your opinion, if you have one.
