Hi ! I am here again( old user's name trying to live)<BR>I have been in NY for a week now as my H ask me to give him a little time and space(Pls. see my post under G.question 2 for back ground). Things seem have some hope for the first time(D-day one month ago). He was really pushing a big-D and said he had made up his mind to do so. But after I stay here for a week, he told me that he has not made a decision yet, one day he think one way and another day the other. He also said he miss me and has not go out on a date with the OW who he work together( he admit to me it is hard).<BR>My birthday is coming up next weekend. Although he is not too sure about that, but finally we both agree that I should come home for my birthday. I would rather go home Easter weekend(3 days weekend), but he said not yet, he will miss me more if I do not go home this weekend.<BR>I need your advice about what should I do when I go home( keep on plan-A?), how long should I stay? or just some thoughs will be great help. Thank you al for listening.

Dear Trying:<P>I's sorry hon, but this smells. I think WS is playing you to get a little more time with OW. What he says about missing you more if you come home in another week doesn't ring true. He's stalling. Why I don't know...but whatever the reason....I think you do need to wait...give him some more time....if he's sincere then he will show it when you get home....if not then his attitude will probably reflect what has happen since you've been gone.<P>It's hard to imagine how easily lying comes to WS when they are in the fog...it almost becomes second nature to them...they will lie when the truth would be just a appropriate....I don't know why. Probably because a lot of them are conflict avoiders and that's the way they deal with their lives...avoid facing the problems in your marriage by having an affair...avoid facing the anger of what you are doing to your wife by lying to her "to save her from hurt"...Bull!!! the only one they're trying to protect is themselves.<P>Yes, I think you should continue to Plan A after you get home...nothing has really changed...unless the minute you get home he says he has given up OW and wants no further contact...then you can go from there. Please don't get discouraged....these things take time to resolve themselves...after all it took a long time to get to this point and it should take a while to work itself out.<P>I really hope I am wrong about your WS...but I don't think so. My prayers are with you.<P>Faye<P><BR>

I'm a former WS, and I kind of have to agree with Buffy. Asking you to wait to come home another week, well, I think he could be hiding something. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad something, but I agree that it sounds like he needs "time" to get his head together.<P>And, I'm kind of wondering why you had to leave to give him some space? In my opinion, if he is the one that is having the affair, and that he is the one who needs the time away to think - well, then he should be the one to make temporary arrangements. I know you want to Plan A, but Plan A also means taking care of yourself. You are not the one who wants a divorce, you are not the one who wants to leave, you are not the one having the affair. If he wants to leave there is really nothing you can do (other than to try Plan A). But Plan A doesn't mean that you have to leave your home - even temporarily. <P>You can give him "mental" space without moving out. For me, the toughtest part of ending the A was maintaining no contact. I think right now, your husband really is torn, maybe. Even though he was ready to get a D, I think he's really afraid to lose you, too. So, you have to use that to your advantage. You cannot force him to leave, but I don't see where you have to be the one to leave your home.<P>I would try to explain to him that you want to give him some time to think about things, but that your home is your home, too, and that you don't want this. <P>I agree with Buffy, during the affair, lying came second nature to me. But once I committed to my H, once I ended the affair, ended contact, and decided to try and rebuild our marriage - I have been completely honest with him about everything. I, too, needed a lot of time to "think things through," and I often throught about moving out, but I never did - and I think that really helped me re-dedicate myself to my H and to my marriage.<P>I wish there was more I could say, but just take care of yourself, treat yourself well. These things do take time to work through. I think, right now, your H is sitting on the fence, afraid to completely commit to you and afraid to completely cut things off with the OM. If he does decide to end the A, officially, then he should really send a no contact letter, and then stick by the no contact arrangement - for me that helped to end a lot of the confusion I was feeling about my marriage.

Thank you all for the replys and you are sooooo right. He is up to some thing unthinkable. <BR>After reading your reply last night, I star wonder why I am the only one still trust him 100%, so I call home one hour after we talk and say good night over the phone. He is goneeeeee. He have been plan it all along that I will not call and he went to the B***h's place stay and have sex. I got the first flight home that is how I found out. What should I do now ? <BR>I am very calm and told him that what he did is understandable. Because he just can not resist it. But he is in the mind swing again. He is thinking about the D again, and told me that it is time to do it.<BR>I told him that he is in a swing. Because he stay at her place last night, his thought is on her side.<BR>I am trying the best I could to continue the Plan-A. But star wonder if it worth a try. I am not plan tpleave again, because it does not help. <BR>What should I do ? Should I trust him now? Is there any hope on plan-A.

Hey Trying:<P>Sure you should keep Plan Aing you WS. Just remember that during the acute phase of the A your Plan A may have very little impact. That's why its important that you learn patience. While some WS's will realize what a mistake the A is early on...others will take more time and you have to be prepared for that and not give up. Very little is to be gained by pressure.<P>I think you did a good job in dealing with the situation that confronted you when you got home...you tried to be understanding of his problem...and you were probably right about his being influenced by being with OW for the last few days. He's waffling...swinging between the two of you....that's really a good sign....a lot of WS's never waffle...they are always very sure of what they want...at the time. <P>At the very least your Plan A will give him a reason to continue to waffle...certainly more then threatening or LB will. I know it's hard having him going to the OW but you just have to remember that he's confused and doesn't really know what he wants right now...but the newness and excitement of OW is intoxicating and hard to resist.<P>Harley recommends maybe three to six months of Plan A if the WS won't end contact upon D. At least give it this much time to work itself out. You may be amazed how your WS' attitude has changed in that length of time if the A follows its typical pattern. <P>I personally don't think you'll have to wait that long. There are too many goods signs in your WS's behavior. I'll be praying that I'm right.<P><BR>Faye<BR>