I HAVE to help my H through this, even though I have been betrayed. He is secretive and distant. He has been in another state, 1200 miles away for over 2 months (business). SHE is there also, I AM GOING THERE SOON,I told him they could no longer work together, she was our employee. As far as I know it was just an EA because I was unavailable in many ways because of 3 life threatening illnesses in the immediate family. The information I have about the EA has hurt me deeply, I feel like a was thrown in the garbage just because I was not "performing properly". Now in order to save my marriage, I have to meet his needs (I truly do get that part). If they have truly broken off this relationship as I have asked, then how might he be feeling in the withdrawl stage? I need to KNOW this so I will know how to recognize it. It might help me be more supportive (if I can avoid my own LB`s). What did it feel like????? How did you act??????? What did your wife do to help you?????? What can I do to help him??????? Is it OK for me to ask questions during this stage????? What works????? Mainly, what doesn`t work??????? I can`t afford to waste time making obvious mistake. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

replaced<P><BR>Let me first of all say that I am sorry you have to be here. Nobody should ever be in this sad and devestating position - but all to often we find ourselves here. <P>I can't really coment on what your H is feeling but I can let you know what I experienced as a result of my H's affair and his withdrawl. ( his withdrawl wasn't classic however, since he worked with the OW - it was a slow and painfull process for both of us.)<P>Arik became very critical of me at times and even though he posted here and was very compassionate to other recovering betrayed spouses his guilt made it difficult for him to be compassionate to me. A phrase I often heard and I'm sure other BS's will say they heard it too, was "Why, can't you just get over it". Be supportive, listen, don't be too pushy (in that I mean don't shower him with "I love You's" if he seems to not want it at the time). as far as the questions go, follow his lead. If he seems like he wants to share then you can ask him questions (my H said that it was therapeutic to talk about it), but I will warn you now that you may not like the answers.<BR>Patience on you part is a key here. You will need plenty of it. Sometimes it hardly seems fair that we end up doing most or even all of the work in the beginning but in the end it all pays off no matter what the results of your marriage are. Some of the people on the D and D board will atest to the fact that they are a better person as a result of all the work they did on themselves to improve their marriages.<BR>Please don't get me wrong but I really don't like your screen name...there may come a day ( and I really hope there will be one soon ) that you no longer feel that way and you will see that name of as a reminder of how you used to feel, and believe me some of us know exactly how you feel.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

You ask what it feels like to break off an EA?<P>Have you ever been in a 'three-legged-race', and the rope was tied rather tightly around your ankles...and then got in a hurry to pull away...and the cord cut into your skin?<P>Well...an EA is much like two hearts...becoming deeply entwined...and trying to get loose...is excruciatingly painful. You "feel" like your heart is being ripped out. You "feel" like you can't breath. You "feel" like you can barely breath, function, or see any positive ray of hope in your life. It can bring on great waves of depression, and you don't feel like you can go on living.<P>I am told that this 'season' only last awhile. I can only offer you what the "feelings" are like...I don't know how long it will take to get over this.

What great insight lighthouse, thanks for helping others understand how much pain the WS is, but do they want the BS to be there help? and if so how is it we are of the most help?<BR>

I'll offer my observations from my H's withdrawal.<P>He did feel torn in two...very depressed, difficulty sleeping, teary at times. Chest pains and tightness breathing too at times. Very moody...sometimes seemed almost like himself, happy to be with me & hopeful of our future, and then unexpectly "this is not going to work, I miss her too much, I should just leave instead of dragging this out."<P>Every day when he got home from work, we'd ask each other "How are you doing today". Somedays he would reply that he'd had a tough day. Most days he did not want to talk about it, some days he did talk a little, but I think he felt very weird about telling me he missed her. Often we would spend time hugging, holding hands..just to reassure each other. Sometimes he felt a need to be alone, and that was the best thing I could do for him. He was also very irritable at times, and so I tried to keep things quieter & running smoother than ever, as small things would sometimes cause him to overreact.<P>I told him "I love you" often. I knew he did not feel in-love with me, and told him not to worry about saying it back, that I understood that was not where he was right now, and that was OK. <P>Basically, I was low-pressure, and reassured him that I loved him. I listened if/when he wanted to talk & left him alone when he did not. There were several times when he cried & I just held him, and vice-versa (though I tried not to cry & act upset most of the time, as it made him feel guilty & stressed).<P>That was all early last year, BTW and thing are very good now. Hang in there--<P>Kathi<p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited April 16, 2001).]

I'm not a man, but I am a WS and I broke off an EA a year ago. <P>Lighthouse is right, for many people it hurts a real lot. At first it made me feel out of control, crazy. I couldn't believe what I had done to my H, and I couldn't believe that I had to give up seeing OM. Having an A has been compared to being an addiction. He will miss her, he'll wish he could see her, even when intellectually he will know it it wrong. He will feel guilty, possibly ashamed, confused and may behave inconsistently. <P>I think I acted angry (for being caught), I was depressed and withdrawn when I was struggling to get over OM, and didn't want to hurt my H with my lingering feelings for OM. I probably at times acted defensive and irritable about being constantly reminded what I had done. Mostly I acted sad: sad I had hurt H, sad I had violated my own principles, sad that I couldn't talk to OM. I lost every remnant of confidence I had in myself. I felt very confused. I also got very scared about doing something that would cause my H to leave me, even though he said he wouldn't.<P>My H helped by making me be honest, and then accepting the honesty even when he didn't like what he heard. He helped by telling me he wanted to stay and work on the marriage. He helped by reading HN/HN and talking about how our marriage got to be in a place that I could seek out OM. He told me he wanted to learn to be my best friend again. When I was very ashamed and having a hard time understanding and accpting my own behavior, he reminded me that he believed in me before the A, and that he knew I could be the honest person that I used to be. <P>I got to a point, where I got impatient with his anger. I felt I was doing the best I could do to suffer the separation from OM, and he needed to try to get over the anger. I was in too much of a hurry here, because his anger brought out such guilt in me, and fear he would give up. <P>You can help him by letting him talk, and letting him admit when he has confusing or difficult feelings. You can help by not pushing him to say he's 100% over the A when he isn't yet. It is like a wound that takes a long time to heal for both of you. He may need time. He may need someone else (sounselor) to talk to. I think what works is to be patient, be there for him, but don't push too hard or expect it all to go away overnight. Patience, as you have been told is critical, and this requires a huge amount of strength from the BS. If you can, try to make him feel that you will work on this together, and that you will try to understand and meet the needs that were left unmet before the A. <P>This is a hard road. People here have been in your shoes, and can give you good advice. I wish you and your H the best.<BR>