I've been lurking here and reading all I can read about MB and the concepts. I am the BS. Jim/NSR, great post, welcome new builders. I've read it I don't know how many times. Thank you for putting it out there. I have a question that I need help with.<P>After D-Day, how did you get your self esteem back?<P>I haven't totally lost mine, but it has been hurt.<P>Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.<P>K<p>[This message has been edited by Knewjie (edited April 17, 2001).]

I think that depends some on what the current circumstances are. But whether the marriage is saved or not, you rebuild your self-esteem by behaving in a manner that you know to be right. You don't change yourself into someone you don't recognize just to try to win back an unfaithful spouse. You examine your standards and your beliefs and you stay true to them. You do what you know is right, no matter what anyone else does.<P>If the marriage is saved and in the process of being restored, your self-esteem returns as the healing progresses. As you are maintaining your standards and beliefs, your self esteem returns are your remorseful spouse helps you heal. It has sure helped me to rebuild my self esteem when my husband tells me how wonderful I am and how grateful he is that I didn't leave him when I found out about his affair.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

This is the short version of my story. H and I had problems, voiced them, agreed to work on them and fiz our M. H then had an affair. D-Day one week ago. H has left, said will be filing D ASAP. H can not deal with all he has done and the pain he has caused me. I DO NOT want a D, I want to work on us. We can make it if we both try until there is nothing left to try. H has chosen to run instead. Before H ran he said there is a "glimmer of hope," so it leaves me just hanging out there. That's the short of my story. <P>Plan A is all about you, but I don't know what to do. Pamper your self, work on you. Well, I just don't have the energy. I don't know where to start. Self esteem would be a good place to start I think, so that's why I reached out for help.<P>I also have a cold so I'm sure that doesn't help. <P>Thank you for your reply HGBrawner, it's much appreciated.<P>K

My H left 9 weeks ago to live with OW. I have been plan Aing. There are times when I just don't have the energy so I go into a little retreat for a few days(by not contacting H) and then feel ready to work on it another day. I try to take it 1 day at a time and pace myself as this could be a long journey!Self esteem sounds like an excellent thing to work on to me.I am trying to work on myself by being more aware of my faults and trying to correct them. I am also excercising more and loosing extra pounds.Good luck with your journey!A glimmer of hope is something, after all!

Knewjie - my self esteem may have suffered less than is typical because my wife's affair with her best friend's husband was SO wacky and SO bizarre that it was fairly easy to see that they had been abducted by aliens or had moose brain worms, and neither I nor OM's wife should take it personally. That said, the more I read and learned about the psychology of affairs gave me the power of knowledge to deal with the situation outside of myself, while I Plan A'd to improve myself. Self esteem, however damaged, soon was better than before - I KNEW my wife was crazy instead of speculating that I might be.<P>Good luck,<BR>WAT

knewjie-<BR>My Dday was 8 months ago. My H is still in the fog. But I had been mrs. for so long and mom that I did not know who I was any more. I had become inmeshed with my H, trying to get him to open up which only sent him further away(in last few years.) All I could think about was that. Tunnel vision. Everyone else suffered. But me most of all.<P>When the s***t hit the fan, I freaked out. I went into therapy the very next day. I dragged H with me. We both almost threw up out of fear. What I did when I realised that my h was not going to come out of the fog right away and that he "loved her," and "didn't feel the passion any more" with me, I settled in for the long haul. <P>I plan A'd to death. But along with that I concentrated on myself. Long walks so I could be alone to think and cry and power walk out the venom really helped with the patience needed for this program. Then I started in support groups for codependency traits about myself I abhorred(as soon as I recognised them!) And I pampered myself as much as finance allowed. <P>I reached out to make new friends. I learned to open up to new people again, to go beyond my circle. I joined another choir, ladies nites, trips to the symphony. <P>I always try to have a positive attitude and I try to look my best every day. The effort really helps the daily shot of esteem. <P>The last thing that really helps is learning to set healthy boundries and maintaining them. That is for yourself alone, and it feels good to treat yourself respectfully. Even if the darn WS cannot. We are all loving people, and we are worth it! <P>

Yes...<B>HGBrawner</B> said it best when she said "You do what you know is right, no matter what anyone else does."...<BR>...and sprinkle with pampering yourself. <P>Did you look at my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>?<P> <P>Jim

I worked hard to maintain my sense of humor. I tried to find some humor in every situation, no matter how dire it was. I've had people come down on me because of that, but I feel that if I lost my sense of humor, I wouldn't have made it. That doesn't mean that I took the betrayals lightly - I just didn't let them destroy me.<P>I went on a spiritual journey also. I found out who I really was, and that has helped me...because I realized that while I desperately wanted my marriage to survive and thrive, I also learned that if it didn't, I would be alright. I would make it. I can now belt "I Will Survive" better than Ms. Gaynor herself! <P>That's one big thing that Plan A taught me, was to take things in stride, one day at a time. Don't let things overwhelm you - work on making yourself the best person you can be.

<B>MAEZY</B><P>Thanks for your experiance! That infidelity diet has taken a toll on me, but I'm actually eating now! You are so right, a glimmer is a glimmer! <P><B>WAT</B><P>I'm right with you on the aliens and that I'm not the crazy one! It's good to know that others think the way I do.<P><B>Burnedspouse</B><P>Ahhh, thank you! Can you tell me a little bit more about the codependeny part? I understand if you do not want to tho.<P><B>Jim</B><P>Oh how I love what you have compiled! I have read EVERY link you have posted..plan a, plan b, etc at <I>least</I> three times. It has helped me tremendously! I've also read SAA and I'm reading HNHN right now. Thank you for your reply.<P><B>Carolina Belle</B><P>Very good ideas! Humor, you have to keep that! Spiritually also I have grown by leaps and bounds. Thank you!<P>K<P>

Knewjie,<P>I rarely drop by here anymore, but I saw your question, and while I can't give *you* an answer as to how to repair your self-esteem, I can tell you what I did to get mine back!<P>First, I had to realize that H's A was not personal. I did not take it personally. Yes, there were problems in the marriage that I contributed to. But I never once told myself that I deserved it, or thought that the OW was better than me. Hey, I wasn't the one sleeping with a MM, right? When it did "get to me," I held my head up higher. I knew that no matter how sad and bereft I was feeling, I had not broken my marriage vows. And that made me feel good about myself. <P>Secondly, I pampered myself into oblivion. Small things, like buying a new bottle of perfume, a new shirt, reading a trashy drugstore novel, renting all of my fave "girl" flicks and watching them with friends. My time and money was for *me.*<P>Thirdly, I didn't feel bad about telling someone "no" if they asked a favor, or picking up the slack at work if other things were on my mind. I did not neglect, but I did not go that 'extra mile.' The extra mile I was walking was for me, and I needed to heal. I did not feel guilty about putting my own feelings and emotions and needs first.<P>Finally, I did the things that I always wanted to do. I wrote. I got in shape, and to this day, look great! I took a vacation out of the country. I felt like I'd lost one of my dreams ... but that didn't mean that I didn't have any dreams first.<P>Others might disagree, but what worked for me was to put myself first and be as selfish as I wanted - without hurting others, that is, I never took my problems out on anyone else. No one can treat you better than you can.<P>There is a happy ending. H saw me looking so great and doing my own thing and making my own life without him that he dropped OW so fast it made her head spin. One night, when he thought I was asleep, he came to bed, and he was crying. He put his hand on my face, gently, and said, "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry." And my heart melted all over again. Good luck - treat yourself well, Knewjie. And maybe your spouse will take the cue from you.<P>blessings,<P>belldandy

1) I came here. <P>2) I realized I was not alone--not just my comrades here, but He was with me. And "if God be for us, who can be against us?". And in that vein, prayed alot.<P>3) I tried to support others here, not just concentrating on my own problems.<P>4) Depended on my girlfriends--and stayed away from men for safety!<P>5) Pampered myself. Just really took good care of me. Life is too short not to be good to yourself.<P>6) I "owned" my recovery. This took me a while to finally grasp, but I decided I was going to do this MB stuff and do it to the letter and if it didn't work, well, at least I can never say I should have tried harder. <P>7) When confronted with other people who knew about the A--I just met them head on and openly discussed the hell I was going thru. Not everyone would find this helpful but suffering silently is not a trait I posess. Grabbing the bull by the horns and wrestling it to the ground is!<P>Well, 7 is all I can think of right now!<P>Hope these posts are helpful to you, Knewjie.<P>Take care and God bless!<P>L

Ooh, just wanted to add...<P>don't know if this is #8 or if it fits in with #6 or 7 but I decided I wasn't going to play the victim in our little drama. I was going to be the heroine.