I had another talk with my wife last night about her affair. Definitely I found it helps to not give up but the timing of questions has to be right to avoid your partner getting upset. But you have to sense when you are getting a little angry and cut questioning off. So it all went well. <P>But in the end, no matter how nice the talk, no matter how satisfying the answers, no matter what the reasons it still comes down the fact that what your partner did was a betrayal of trust. So you never get a good feeling about this. But recovery is possible with time.<P>My wife had many reasons for her affair. She explained that she had sex because this man helped her family and that family was number one in her life etc. etc. But in my mind was the thought "that sounds good but was it worth risking pregnancy, AIDS and divorce over this beneficial thing you did? Was it good to make your family happy and your husband sad? The answers to these were not clear. I think because during an affair there really is no time for al this thinking about consequences. If there was then an affiar would probably never ever happen. In the end after the discussion which was by the way a nice calm discusion, I said to my wife what you did was just plain wrong. Your thinking was no good. In the future if the same situation occurs the answer has to be a plain NO! There cannot be a because. I did this because of this or I did this because of that is not acceptable. No,when you are married there is no because. If you want to have sex with another person because of this or that reason then get divorced first. Then you can have all the becauses you want. This is my ideal world thinking I guess. I told my wife that marriage should be number one in people's lives. <P>From my own experiences I see that many couple have troubles communication or agreeing on things. Over time these things just build up. The bad feelings build up like plaque on your teeth. Eventually the marriage is diseased and feelings die. My case was slighly different because I was newly married. But even in my case there was communication problems at the root because I did not understand what my wife was doing in China. <P>My wife agreed in the end that there can be no because.... There can be no "I had an affair because of this or that..." It is just plain wrong and there is really no good excuse for it. Yes there are reasons for marital problems. In these cases resolve them, divorce or choose to live in misery but to have an affair is no an option in my mind. <P>On a completely unrelated topic: yesterday this radio guy said (true story) there was man married to an attractive woman. The man was very short of cash. So he propositioned a rich guy and made an agreement with him that the rich guy can have his wife for one year if the rich guy pays him $300,000. The rich guy was happy and the man was happy because he could now get out of debt. <P>The husband told his wife about how he solved his financial problem. After thinking about it the wife agreed. Later people asked the wife why she would do such a thing. Her answer was - because I love my husband deeply. <P>Well to me that's another one that's hard to understand. My wife's line was she had an affair because she loved her China family too much. <P>Perhpas this can be a good excuse for an affair: I had an affair because I love you too much. So I made this sacrifice for you. I hope you can appreciate what I did for you!<P>Maybe the reason for my post was to say that eventually with the right timing and right approach maybe even the most stubborn partner will start to talk if they love you and really want the marriage to work. If they do not then of course why should they talk. In my case I am hapy my wife is coming around to talk about her feelings some of the time. My wife gave me many stories in the past and in the end she sometimes says "I really don't know why I did what I did?" It was a feeling thing at the time and sometimes we do not know why we do foolish things. <P>It's frustrating but I have to accept these answers. It does get easier. For me it is nine weeks now since D-day. I am starting to run out of questions to ask. The answers don't seem to change anymore. Maybe I have the answers now and the rest is just to work on recovery.

Rodger -<P>You made a very interesting point. Sometimes, even when you get answers to your questions - it still doesn't make things easier to live with. But, I think you're right, with open and honest communication, I do think things get better - that you're able to deal with and live with the answers that you've been given. For me, it took a while to completely open up to my H - be honest - because I was afriad. In the end, my H's willingness to listen and not judge really helped me (and him) get through this mess. I normally post in the recovery section, but just wanted to see what was going on up here in the GQ section. I think you made some interesting points. For me, there was and is no justification for the A or for having an affair - it was wrong, plain and simple. But the only way my H and I are going to survive this, to rebuild a stronger marriage, is if we always be honest and open with each other.<P>Anyway, just wanted to encourage you. Sounds like you are beginning to understand more about yourself and about your wife - and that kind of introspection is good. Hang in there.

Rodger it's quite interesting to read your post, the questions "thing" was very important for me until I got to the phase - thankfully - where I foun dthat I didn't really need answers to some of my questions.<BR>I had written down everything I felt I needed to know. MY h is a very close person and to get somethings out of him - and not only related to the affair, this is the way he is - was very difficult. SO I thought the best way for both of us feel good about it was to write them down. I had a small book where I would write questions as they came to mind and he knew he could go there, read them and answer or wait until he felt he was able to answer them.<BR>At the beginning he wasn't really answering any. Then slowly I would start seing some answers, but could see he wasn't still feeling confident enought to answer them. Many of the answers where based on self defense instead of plain answers to facts,And some of them hurt me for their ambiguity.<BR>As time passed, however, and our relationship went trough the healing path, I found myself going over those questions I wrote and actually crossing some off. I was reaching the point where I didn't really need those answers. <BR>I had the main facts, the major details, and I was witnessning his re-commitment. Knwoing why it happened on his own words would be very nice... but I discovered he was even more confused as to why than me. At least I had been able to rationalize the things that could have in some way contributed to the weakening of our relationship prior to the affair.<BR>Hearing a because as you say wouldn't work, becausue.... well there shouldn't be one. That is still a defensive mechanism.<BR>In any case my friend, you seem to be getting to the main thing to do : working on the recovery becomes more important in the end, and no answers can help just by themselves.<BR>HOwever communication is still one of the most important points and should be a tool and something to remember for ever - even after the relationship healed and recovery is over.<BR>Hugs <BR>and have a wonderful day<P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"