I am really new here. I have just read HN/HN. I really like the things in the book and was very excited until I shared with my H. short history is I recently ended A and then H told me he had many A over the last 7 years. a lot to take in. marriage has not been good over the last 7 years now I know why. I am really having a hard time with the no contact thing. I havent contacted yet adn I get a lot of encouragement from reading the posts here. i miss the talking and sharing. I feel deeply lonely in my marriage. H will not talk to me. He told me two nights ago that if tthat was what I wanted, someone to talk to me a lot, he was not the kind of person who could do that. He wont read the book I have, or go to counseling with me. (my next appt is next week, too far I think) He thinks I should be over all this (granted its been 10 months) I know I never let myself think about what he did really. I would think about OM instead. wrong! I feel alone. I was so excited about the things I read in hte book and here, but I dont know if I can do it alone... I feel scared to be myself with H. I want to talk to him but he just gets angry. I feel like I need to talk to OM. (yeah like that would be better) I know that if I contact OM I will go right back to square one and do even more damage to marriage I do want to keep. I feel guilty for feeling angry at H. resenting him for so many years I tried so hard to be everything he said he wanted and it never being good enough adn he was cheating the whole time. The sad truth is after so many years of H hurting me and promising to change I am too afraid to let go totally of feelings for OM. Myself has never been good enough for H. I fear trusting him, especially now when I'm trying so hard for anything that will help and he is not interested. H says "suck it up and move on". I cant. I'm sorry for venting so much. <BR>Can I do this alone for us both? What book should I read next?

Hang in there. Reading books are a really great way to stay focused on your marriage. When you are tempted to contact the OM, post here, we'll give you encouragement. <P>I feel alone in my marriage, on occasion, too. Conversation is my #1 EN. You are right that contacting OM will just make things for you and everyone involved hurt more.<P>Have you read After the Affair by Janis Spring (not sure I have that right)? Also, Torn Assunder? There is a book list under Just Found Out board.<P>You are doing the right thing, restoring your marriage and making ammends.

Evie,<BR>Do you know what your husband's #1 EN is? Have you gotten him to fill out the questionaire? Maybe if you showed him how willing you are to try to meet his needs (telling him specifically how you will do it), he would be more open to trying to do the same for you.<P>I know sometimes it's hard to always be the one to initiate the steps for positive change and hard to be the one to say, "I'm sorry" first. Ultimately though, these are the things that can make you feel good about yourself again. It sounds as if you are the one doing most of the work right now. If I've learned anything through my experience (I'm the WS, by the way) it's that marriage is anything but a 50-50 proposition. It's usually more like a 90-10 split. It never seems to be an equal give and take. Somebody is always doing most of the work. With luck, that somebody won't always be you.<P>You have the right spirit in wanting to make things right again in your marriage. Keep going to counseling, even if it's alone for awhile, and keep reading. Small steps, one at a time. And by all means, keep fighting the urge to contact OM!!!! come back here and read stuff every time you want to do that.<P>The best of luck to you in your marriage!