What do I do now?<P>Married 25 years and he has left. No explanation other than he had an affair 2.5 years ago for three months and is experiencing guilt bigger than he can handle while at home - doesn't know why he had the affair, can't explain why he feels nothing for me any longer, can't pinpoint when he began feeling this way, can't explain the events that provoked this feeling within him.<P>I encouraged him to receive individual counselling since Nov. 2000 which has now ended. During this time he left home three months ago. He has told me of the affair.<P>I too received individual counselling, which was trying to help me accept his decision to make the steps he has made thus far.<P>My problem stems from him still not being able to decide what he wants to do. He hasn't told his parents or extended family. I understand him not wanting to do this quickly, but they will be so hurt to find out from some other source instead of him. His sisters know and they would appreciate him addressing the issue. I on the other hand feel that the longer he doesn't tell them that there could be a sliver of hope for us.<P>After discovering MB, I wrote him a letter indicating that I was willing to forgive his indiscretion and to work towards a better marriage than we had before. To date, he has not responded, nor did he bother to address the letter with his counsellor.<P>I didn't ask for a response, but it sure would give me some glimmer of hope for our future.<P>I realize I can't work towards my goal of a fulfilling marriage while the door is locked, but I ask for suggestions on how to perceive my reality. Is he really going with a mid-life crisis and totally unable to address issues like our marriage with any valour?<P>How do I assess his situation without being confrontational. I feel his counsellor missed the possibility of him being depressed. I want to remain hopeful without becoming stuck in denial.<P>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Hello<BR>My H of 25 years left in Feb. of this year to live with his OW. I believe it to at least partially be due to mid-life crisis. It was totally out of character for him and I'm working hard to bring him home. I know that saying you are willing to forgive is not enough. It's like some biological force is pulling at them. I am trying to wait it out and at the same time I am working on Plan A.I suggest you work on yourself so as you are able to meet his needs. Can you keep writing him letters? I write my H frequently. I always try to appear cheerful and am often flirtacious. I never pressure him about coming home and rarely mention it.I try to make sure he sees changes that he will like happening with me. I know this has worked for others in MB.<BR>It seems that I am making progress with this too. It's slow and frustrating but I don't let him see this.<BR>Are you sure he has no contact with his OW? <BR>I believe my H was depressed too. I didn't see it at the time but I now know I wasn't there for him when he needed me.<BR>God bless and hang in there!

Dear Tryingtostandup:<P>2.5 years seems like a long time to carry guilt about something, especially if it ended long ago. I wonder if there is not something else going on...perhaps another relationship...perhaps a mid-life crisis...it seems as if once that wall is broken down (fidelity) it is easier to climb over the next time. <P>My WS and I had a long time marriage too and he has done much the same thing your WS did...although he left and lived with OW for seven months...then came back...then left again...then got sick and had to come back...then left again. I'm quite sure that due to his health problems he is having a hard time dealing with getting old (mid-life crisis??). This is something you can't really help too much with...they need to work it out on their own.<P>Please don't take what he says about not caring about you anymore as gospel because it really is just fog...whether the fog of an affair or the fog of mid life crisis...its still a fog. My WS said at first he didn't love me anymore and thought he never did...later on he cried because he said that wes never true and he knew it was never true...and he didn't know why he said it. <P>You've found a good place in MB for finding the support you'll need...whatever your WS's problem turns out to be...there are so many people here with all kinds of situations...someone will try to help. <P>Whatever your WS problem this is a good time to turn your attention to yourself...with MB help you can turn your energy to working on the things about you you think need to change to make you a better partner in a marriage...we all have them...and this is a good time to work on them...and working on those areas in which you WS has indicated that you are lacking will give you a focus to direct that energy toward. You will need something to focus on...something to give you the feeling that you are not just sitting around waiting...but doing something constructive with your life while he works on his.<P>We wish you could give you the answers but there aren't any ready answer...this is usually a long process..filled with up and downs...but many have made it back together and perhaps you can too. I wish you luck. Let us know how you're doing.<P>Faye

Hi there,<P> Listen to what the others are saying.....if someone is moving out for whatever reason there is almost ALWAYS another person. There is a very good chance that he has maintained contact with the OW for all of this time , maybe sporadically or else as someone else said there is someone new. You need to know what you are dealing with. Harley claims that a person will do anything to keep in contact with the OP.<P>I would bet that he has moved out and will tell the story to others that once he moved out the OW has resurfaced and they are now dating.....I think he might be telling you who she was in the past so that you know there was a connection at one time. I could be all wrong about this, it just wouldn't surprise me.<P>Read everything on this site.......there is a good chance your marriage will be restored eventually .....he will get a good taste of the "greener grass". Plan A as best as you can and maybe counsel with STeve Harley or Jennifer , they are very helpful.<P>I'm sorry for what you are going through, you've been decieved for along time........LU<P>

I want to believe him (go figure) that there is currently no one on the horizon, just the fact that he is dealing with the guilt of what he has done and because he hasn't been able to realize why he did this, he is concluding that he mustn't love me any longer and therefore doesn't deserve to be in my life.<P>This is so not true as far as I'm concerned. But without knowing what I'm truly up against I stumble and bang around the "what to do now" stage in order to continue with Plan A even though he has left our home.<P>The other day, he received an award for his work in coaching a basketball team. I felt sad that neither I or the kids or for that matter no one in his family was there to share with him the receiving of the award. <P>When he dropped by the house the next day, he was pleased to tell me about the award. I in turn (and possibly regret) explained how embarrassed I was for not knowing and having to read it in the paper, when confronted by someone (who didn't know he had left me) and then by someone else later that day (who told me that the club was turning the team over to the assistant coach, because he truly isn't himself).<P>I did however, the next day give him a congratulations card and expressed how proud we were of him and that he deserved the recognition. He liked the card and thanked me.<P>He is always so polite when we are in contact with each of other, but he does this in an indifferent manner and it bugs me to think that after 25 years he can become so cold and blank inside for me. I haven't done anything to create this feeling from him.<P>Our marriage wasn't perfect, but by a long shot it was a good marriage. To have an intimate, sensitive and caring marriage at this stage of my life would be the ultimate goal. I would love to improve myself, I constantly am my worst critic. But when I ask him what, when and how I let him down -- he answers I didn't do anything wrong. I am wonderful, I don't deserve this (I agreed with him on this one). So where do I begin to help him realize that loosing me is a bigger mistake than the one he has already done?<P>I never truly understood why he loved me and married me in the first place - 25 years ago, I have a tendency to overreact at times - usually around the topic of money, and the kids. He always answered "just because you are you". He never saw my flaws and apparently still doesn't. I am at a loss to see how I should act, if differently is needed, at this time in his life.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>Dear Tryingtostandup:<P>2.5 years seems like a long time to carry guilt about something, especially if it ended long ago. I wonder if there is not something else going on...perhaps another relationship...perhaps a mid-life crisis...it seems as if once that wall is broken down (fidelity) it is easier to climb over the next time. <P>My WS and I had a long time marriage too and he has done much the same thing your WS did...although he left and lived with OW for seven months...then came back...then left again...then got sick and had to come back...then left again. I'm quite sure that due to his health problems he is having a hard time dealing with getting old (mid-life crisis??). This is something you can't really help too much with...they need to work it out on their own.<P>Please don't take what he says about not caring about you anymore as gospel because it really is just fog...whether the fog of an affair or the fog of mid life crisis...its still a fog. My WS said at first he didn't love me anymore and thought he never did...later on he cried because he said that wes never true and he knew it was never true...and he didn't know why he said it. <P>You've found a good place in MB for finding the support you'll need...whatever your WS's problem turns out to be...there are so many people here with all kinds of situations...someone will try to help. <P>Whatever your WS problem this is a good time to turn your attention to yourself...with MB help you can turn your energy to working on the things about you you think need to change to make you a better partner in a marriage...we all have them...and this is a good time to work on them...and working on those areas in which you WS has indicated that you are lacking will give you a focus to direct that energy toward. You will need something to focus on...something to give you the feeling that you are not just sitting around waiting...but doing something constructive with your life while he works on his.<P>We wish you could give you the answers but there aren't any ready answer...this is usually a long process..filled with up and downs...but many have made it back together and perhaps you can too. I wish you luck. Let us know how you're doing.<P>Faye</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dear Trying, My H left after 20 yrs and moved in with OW. He lived with her for 4 mos. and came home for a day, went back to OW for a week, and came home for 6 weeks. He just returned to her this weekend. <P>I am one who never liked to read the advice that if they're acting out of character, something is going on. My H, who is nearing 50 started hanging out with teenagers and kids in their early 20's, like OW who is 22, for the past year or more. He says her age is irrelevant. He is no longer interested in the business we own and run together, just wants to hang out. It seems like a mid-life crisis, though I don't know exactly what that is. <P>I am devastated, again. It was difficult enough with him home, depressed but never taking his anti-deps unless I gave them to him, going through withdrawals, but then he started blaming everything on me, probably because he started seeing OW again, and finally left me again for her.<P>We have been in counseling with Steve Harley but H is unwilling to do the assignments, though he talks a blue streak during our counseling sessions.<P>I didn't want to have to go through what buffy and others have been through, but I seem to be headed in that direction.<P>I agree with others who've responded that something is going on here and now, not just an A 2.5 yrs ago. Just Plan A as long as you can, or if you're not in contact, do what MAEZY did and write him letters. Keep them pleasant newsy and non-confrontational. This takes time.

For a really good understanding of MLC, read:<P>Your Husband's Midlife Crisis by Jim and Sally Conway <P>Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway<P>When a Mate Wants Out by Sally Conway<P><BR>There is also a website with Q&A's, chat, etc.<P>hope this helps<P>(P.S. It is a Not for Profit ministry, I'm not like, getting a commission or anything. )<P>lizzie<P>