My H (WS) is on his way from the US to join me in the work here; we'll be heading into the wilderness in two days and the "test" of whether we can rebuild our marriage begins. I've been making preparations and had even weened myself from the MB discussion forum, since there's no internet where we're going. I sought and received great advice here and was feeling really good about continuing my long-distance plan A-ing here in person. And now some sort of switch in my brain has been flipped and I'm a basket case. The doubts, fears and worries have come flooding back. I helped them along by reviewing what my H told me just before the last time he joined me here---same sort of things he's saying now and the A was at its height. To make matters worse, this time last year was when the whole ugly scenario unfolded, at the same places we'll be working now. I had banished a lot of those thoughts and now they're back haunting me, in my dreams and during the day. H (professor) came out this time last year, with OW/student in tow and they proceeded to flirt, fall all over each other, and turn the EA in to a PA before my eyes. It's now so fresh again, I wonder if I was just fooling myself thinking I could stick with Plan A. How can I be strong? I am weeping uncontrollably now and I don't understand it---I've certainly cried my eyes out before, but this is different, because nothing external caused it, just my own internal fear and terror that I'm going to be hurt again. I assume this is just my subconscious snapping alert, trying to tell my conscious brain-"HEY, wake up, remember this series of events, it led to our guts being ripped out and trampled on and we thought we were going to die-RUN RUN RUN!!" I also worry that he will start criticizing me as he always used to about anything re: the work that isn't prepared perfectly--I am paralyzed by the fear that anything at all that goes wrong becomes a LB and destroys our chances. I know this is not what Plan A is about, but I let myself get hopeful and now the pressure has gotten to me. I even got this stupid rash I get when I'm under stress--H always accused me of getting it on purpose to keep him distant, so now there's another involuntary LB. I desperately need encouragement to remain strong with Plan A--I have one more chance to check the MB board later today, then H comes and I'm on my own. Thanks in advance for any help and sorry for the freak-out! octavia99

YOU CAN DO IT. repeat YOU CAN DO IT.<P>what do you have to lose, do your best plan a, if it works great well if it doesn't you know you tried.<P>i really would love to know what ya'll do, i my guess but I can't stand not knowing anything<P>Good luck, hang in there. Hope your work goes well. Hope your marriage is rebuilt & let us hear from you when you get back to internet access.

Octavia,<P>Settle down. This is not a test, there is no grading system. Further, he is the on trial here not you. He is the one with his career in the balance not you, he is the one with his marriage in the balance because of his poor choices. Now he is going to do what any FULL Professor will do. He is going to try and bluff through it. He will try to pick on you to deflect he guilt.<P>Simply look him in the eyes and level him. Tell quietly that you will take no crap from him. He has come tumbling off his pedestal and is on precarious ground. You love him, want the marriage to be healed and made better. You would love him to keep his job and his profession. BUT, the beginning of something new starts now. He has a choice make a bad situation worse, or begin to heal the damage he has done. His choice, but you won't be yelled at, badgered, blamed, or belittled. That is your choice.<P>Octavia, he has much more to lose than you. He will lose you, his profession, for sure he will lose her whether you marriage makes it or not, and he will lose something very important to him the respect of his colleagues and his self-respect. <P>Dear lady calm down, set your boundaries and set them before heading into the wild. Tell what you will accept and what you won't, be kind, be loving, but be firm. This is part of Plan A as well. <P>God Bless,<P>JL