Hello Fellow Travelers!<BR> I had gotten some questions about an old Marriage Encounter tool from the 60's that my partner and I are using in recovery that might work for others too.<P>You get a big jar and everytime you think of a question you write it down in the form of.. "How Do I Feel When....." )(hence the initials HDIFW)and it is answered by both partners. First you spend 10-15 mins writing your response, (we keep seperate spiral notebooks) then you read your response to your partner. Then you discuss.<P>There are some groundrules:<BR>1. Because these are FEELINGS, there are no wrong answers...you can't rag on your partner, you have to listen.<BR>2. It helps for there to be some sort of touching when you are reading your response.<BR>3. Both partners have to agree on which issue to do.<BR>For example, we pulled a couple out of the jar last night that we both knew would be too intense, so we agreed to save them till another time. He pulled out one that I had put in that said "HDIFW my partner lies about contact with OW". He said that he had not had contact since the last time which he had told me about..did I still want to pursue this tonight? I didn't. So we agreed on "HDIFW my partner doesn't seem excited about plans we've made".<P>We both wrote our answers and then exchanged them. Here's what's really neat. I have been with this guy for 14 years, and never knew how much I hurt him when I was unenthusiastic about some stuff that he thought was important. I never knew how insecure and unloved he felt, and I never knew how much he counted on being with ME. These were not huge events either...little stuff like taking a drive or going to hardware store. So we decided to rate stuff...How much does it mean to you 1-10, and then we can go from there. Also got into a little bit how this contributed to the atmosphere where the affair was possible. He wanted a companion.<BR>Live and learn...hope this helps someone.<BR>T

great idea. My H is totally against any kind of therapy tools, but I try to take good ideas like this and bring them up in conversation to try to achieve some of the same benefit, if that makes any sense!<P>It is amazing how much we take for granted and assume about each other. I'm glad this is working so well for you.

LetsTry, Thanks for the response. He actually remembered this tool from his previous marriage and had brought it up. I figured with his usual procrastination (and mine, too, if truth be told) we'd never get around to it. So I set up the jar, put scrap paper next to it, and put one topic in: HDIFW my partner initiates sex. To be honest I put this in just to see what he would say. Lo and behold, when I got home, he had put in 5 different ones! So, I put more in also...pretty soon the jar was full...if nothing else, sneaking in to see what each other had put in at least gave me a clue about what he was thinking of. And vice versa...maybe you could just start doing this, and when he inquires, tell him about it. The subjects don't have to be "deep", in fact I would suggest starting with some light stuff that has nothing to do with the A.<BR>Here's some examples: All start with HDIFW...<BR>I remember the first time we made love.<BR>My partner holds me at night<BR>My partner laughs with me.<BR>We make plans for the future.<BR>My partner tells me about his achievements at work<P>See, all a little upbeat, and purposely toward feeding his needs. Who knows, if he saw that it wasn't going to be a drag, he might join in. If he sees that there is a possibility of compliments coming his way...he'd like that! AND THE HARDER STUFF CAN COME LATER! Tickle his curiosity.<BR>Good Luck,<BR>T<BR>

PS...the answers in the journal don't have to be novels...can be one word if that sums it up, or phrases. It's mostly to get your feelings out and on paper so you don't get threatened by a response like you would verbally.<BR>T