My H, the WS, says that he and the OW are through and he is through the fog, but he'll still be working with her for the rest of this month. While they are at least still that much in contact, I don't want to let my guard down too much. I wonder if there isn't still a lot of withdrawl and grieving for him to do yet. And, I don't want to get too far back into the relationship with him just to be slapped in the face again. He has been living at his mother's, just down the road, since d-day in Jan., he's around my place all the time, with or without my blessings. It seems like the only ground I have left to stand is him not living in the house with me. Also, I worry about our daughter...will she think things are all worked out, just to have the rug jerked out from under her too? <BR>H (who is something of a control freak) says that we can't work things out between us "with these artificial conditions" (him not living with us), but I'm also afraid that his incentive to make changes that need to be made, will disappear without at least the belief that he hasn't smoothed over everything. <BR>GIVE ME STRENGTH, if that's what I need to hold out, and GIVE ME ACCEPTANCE if that's what's needed for us to move forward.<BR>As of yet, I've told him that the earliest I'd reconsider letting him move back in would be the end of summer. He says that that means he'll have to make other living arrangements then and that will make it harder for us to "work things out." "I'm pushing him away." <BR>I don't want to ever return to the marriage we had for several years before the A, and I want more confidence that the A. is over and won't be repeated!<BR>G.

Finally someone I can talk to. I know how you feel. It turns out for me that the OW works in my husband's office, and there doesn't seem to be much hope of her leaving. Since I have just discovered the A, I am at the beginning of the road you have traveled down, and I don't know how I am going to make it, but I am reading Dr. Harley's material ferverently and I will do anything to save my marriage. Is this the first time your husband cheated? Maybe you mentioned that and I missed it. Just want you to know that I am thinking about you and would like to lend my support.

Thanks for responding Tere38,<BR>We've been married 19 years in June. This is the first time he's cheated. I'm sure of that because he's such a creature of habit that the changes he was making were very obvious when I was willing to look. We haven't talked about a lot of the details yet, but I had figured out enough on my own, then hired a private detective. The details I do have cause me such pain that I'm afraid to know more. Don't know if he'd tell me anyway. Just asking for more "triggers"? Seems like I've got enough. <BR>For me..In Jan., May looked like it was 10 years away, but here it is and I'm still alive and kicking! Some how, some where, I realized that whatever happened, I WAS GOING TO BE OK! That didn't take away all my worries and problems, but it gave me a little perspective!<BR>Hang in there, time does work like cotton batting (often used as stuffing and such). The pain is muffled, not as exposed and sharp.<BR>G.

Dear GAJ,<P>I have read some of your prior posts and see what a delimea you are in. Those feelings of mistrust do get stirred when the WS says they want to come home. Should they get stirred up and confuse us like this? Yes, it is our internal instinctive defense mechanism hard at work. You see our bodies, don't like going through the stress that our hearts put us through. <P>Now on to clearer thinking, as you are deciding what to do, can you schedule in a call to the Harley's? Jennifer or Steve may be able to help you draft a plan B leter. Your earlier posts appear to indicate you are headed in that direction. <P>Then ask yourself if you can make it (emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, etc.) with or without him. While you have some wants, you also have some needs. <P>For me, I knew I could make it without H, but I'll be if part of me still felt like I needed him. What an internal struggle. Now I needed to find the clear thinking between the 2. There were many friends and even relatives (his relatives included) that wanted me to go on with out taking H back. They weren't vocal, because they respected my decisions but I know that is how they were thinking and rightly so. <P>What did I do? You can read my recent post of getting off the rollercoast and the OW noticed, that I just wrote this past weekend. Having the WS move back in will not resolve your problems. It is just a different stage in recovery. There is a lot ahead for those who come back. No fantasy land trip here. Just a lot of hard work. Building trust takes time. For me, I asked H, if you are allowed to move back in what value will you bring back to the family? Because you see now I know that the needs of my family and myself need to be met. It is now a requirement. <P>For us, as long as H knew we were putting him first, he was out there to do the same. Except that 'first' was different for him vs our family. So when I redirected our attention to the needs of the family, he had to wake up to the fact that we were no longer going to cater to his wants, wishes and needs. Hm..... He really did not like that. He saw himself being left behind with a 'crazy OW'. He really didn't like that too much either. But those were his choices. I also told H that I could not longer continue worrying about him or for him if he lived outside of our home. My time and energy must be spent on those who live in our house (1 child & I). Again left behind H thought about this. I was not joking and he knew it. <P>Where is H now? Well, we are in our 8th day of being back together. Very new still and very fresh. We are still adjusting to actually have him come home every night. Our son asked to sleep in my bed because he said that he thought his dad didn't live here. Hm.... Well, H does have weird hours (works 2nd job as limo driver), so son does not always get to see his dad at night. Understandable conclusion on son's part (he is only 6). <P>My take is that while we want the guarantee, reality dictates that no one can ever guarantee anything except God. So with this knowledge, I have asked that H & I have the same goal and same objective. If he can work with me to give me closure and move forward as a better husband, father and friend, then we have a fighting chance. <P>Sounds fair to me. With that came the stipulations of changing his cell phone #s, pager #, voice mail 'secret account' & all e-mails. Basically any thing that connects the 2 of them past, present and future. <P>So now all that is falling into place. It is hard as those in recovery have stated but it would be hard regardless of what happens. Just a different kind of hard and this one is my choice for now. <P>GAJ, whatever decision you make should be one you can live with. Then you will be able to go on with your life and grow back towards being happy again. <P>Take Care and hope this info is of some help.<P>L.<P><BR>

Wanted to reply to your reply. There seem to be moments when I am hanging on by a thread, and that is when I check the forum. Thank God for the blessing this site has been in the few days I have visited it. My husband is out of town until tomorrow evening, and he doesn't know that I know. He is across the country from me, I don't know what he would do. Part of me thinks he will be relieved that I know. I'm terrified to tell him. My sister thinks I should hold off and hire a private detective, not really my style, but I never saw myself as a betrayed spouse either and here I am! Just want to handle this appropriately from the start, because I haven't handled my marriage very well. We don't have children together, I have two daughters that I share custody and he has a son that he sees on the weekend. They are all over age 10, so they will be deep in the heart of this mess. Thank God again that summer vacation is almost here and school will not be affected, as they are all excellent students. If you have any advice in this area, I welcome it with open arms. God bless you for including me, I feel so alone right now.

Another day beginning...<BR>Orchid, I've read some of what you've posted including the most recent "off the rollercoaster." I sure hope things work out for you . <P>Some times I miss him...when the lawn mower breaks down; when the water pipe breaks; when I want sex.............<BR>but, usually he drops by and I don't have to miss him for long. Maybe it's him that's going to have to chance the Plan B, for me to want him back enough to put up with what I don't like (i.e. bath towels on the floor; clothes left in the floor; him in the floor with another woman....ooops, I regress). <BR>Do I need him? Not financially, haven't seen much evidence of getting what I need from him emotionally, as a father to his daughter - I think that will continue without me being married to him, Sex - well, I'm pretty sure I could get some other offers, but for now, my conscience has a problem with that one. {Do I seem to keep going back to this topic? Maybe another strand...}<BR>I think space and the opportunity to see him make changes are the only things that are going to help me see if he's just what I'm used to OR what I want. <BR>But, I wonder about a man "Who is willing to do anything to work things out" (in recent conversation when he and I both believed that I wouldn't ever take him back)...hugs me this morning when he comes to pick up our daughter, then says "I don't mean anything by this but have you brushed your teeth yet." Talk about your warm fuzzies! <BR>I don't know, Ya think maybe I'm a little over sensitive these day??????? If so that's another reason why it's probably not a good idea for him to live with me right now.<P>Tere38, I'm probably not the right one to give advice on "doing things right." I probably did it all wrong. Another thing that time will tell. But, I'll tell you a little of my experience from the time where you are now. I KNEW what my husband was doing on Jan. 5. I was going insane that weekend while I was out of town. I tried to get evidence of what he was doing while I was away. It didn't work out, but I talked to a Priv. Dect. and began making plans (sounds pretty keniving (sp.?)) I tired to get him to admit to the A. without telling him all I knew, (including who it was with) and I laid myself prostrate at his feet, telling him that everything that was wrong in our relationship was my fault and I was willing (and showed him, with great reluctance on his part) to make it right...correct the problem...ME. He pretty much continued to push me away and act like I was nuts to think he was up to anything. <BR>The plans I made were for getting evidence when he went out of town with the OW, Jan 18-20. I got the evidence and planned to use it to divorce him. Wellllllll...you can see, that I wasn't able to follow thru with those plans. The limbo has been HELL!!!! But, I do feel more confident that however this all turns out, I'll be better able to live with the choices I've made. I've really given up all the "leverage" that my lawyer and PD were so supportive of me being able to use, but again they don't have to live my life after the fact either. I apparently didn't have the balls (or maybe just confidence that it was what I wanted) to take an adversarial role with him. I really worried about how our daughter would suffer if we went at it like that. <BR>On the topic of children in all of this mess, I was determined to prove to H that I wasn't going to turn D against him or use her in any way, and when he continued to see proof of that, he resisted the urge (most of the time) to drag her into it too. So far, all I've told her is that her dad did something that I couldn't live with him. For now, with H living so nearby and her being able to spend plenty of time with both of us (mostly seperately), she hasn't shown much sign of being upset. <BR>If one of us has to make a move, especially if it's me (away from the only home she's know, with relatives (my inlaws) nearby, that will be tough for her, I'm sure. <BR>Boy! is this long...sorry. I hope there is something useful in my ramblings somewhere. <BR>It does me good to see that I can write these facts in the hope of helping someone and it doesn't tear me apart anymore. Thank you for that.<BR>G.