...cuz my H just shot it down.<P>I was telling my H that my family (siblings and in-laws) was planning to meet at a restaurant about 30 miles away in honor of Mother for Mother's Day.<P>H asked what time I was going. I said, "Well, we're supposed to meet there at 5:00. Aren't you goin?"<P>H: I don't want to go.<P>Me: I wish you would go.<P>H: "Why do you MAKE me go to stuff like that when I don't give a s*** about it?"<P>Me: "Well, you don't HAVE to go if you don't want to. It just hurts my feelings when you don't go to family get-togethers with me."<P>H: "Well, I'll go because I don't want to hear you b**** about it. I don't know why you want to go. They don't give a s*** about you and never have."<P>Me: "I go because of my mother, and my mother does love me."<P>H: "I'm not talking about your mother. I'm talking about your brothers and sisters. They don't care about you and you always bust your butt to get together with them."<P>Me: "Well, like I said, I go because of my mother, and my brothers and sisters are a package deal."<P>Boy, did I feel lovable after that conversation! I have always been the one in my family who was "left out of the loop." I struggled with not feeling loved as I grew up. My parents were not very demonstrative or physically affectionate, which I guess I always craved. I know that a lot of the reason for my feelings are sort of a "side-effect" from my hearing loss. Another reason for being "left out of the loop" is that I was a "surprise baby", born nearly 9 years after my youngest sibling. All my siblings' births were spaced at 2 year intervals. I know they love me, and my older sister basically raised me until she married when I was 4 yrs. old..and we do have a special closeness. Basically, they were all grown and out of the house by the time I was 10 years old. As adults, we also have some physcial distance between us, so we can't just visit like we probably would if we lived close together.<P>H knows all this, but instead of being reassuring, he drags out and reinforces those old negative feelings of mine. I do pretty well at banishing those old feelings, but I am ANGRY that he does this to me. IMO, it is CRUEL of him to do this. So, H just made a substantial withdrawal from the old love bank.<P>I'm still bothered that he has started going out to the bar without me, where he has the potential for "running into" CW.<P>And, oh yeah, CW called our business yesterday, looking for H. I told her he wasn't there and asked if there was a message. "Oh, I was wondering if y'all had a good used refrigerator for sale up there." (In the absence of physcial proof of an affair, we still maintain the facade of being casual friends.)<P>????????????????<P>We aren't appliance dealers, and she knows exactly what kind of business we have. <P>So, I now wonder if she is trying to maintain contact with H, since he hasn't been to her business since our blowup a few weeks ago. It would be easy enough for her to contact him. All she would have to do is ask one of H's buddies to have him call her. <P>Anyway, any ideas on how to address my H taking aim below my belt in regard to my family issues?<BR>

In an offbeat sort of way I think your H is being protective of you if he genuinely gets upset at how he percieves your family treats you. No, he didn't handle it well, but I wonder... At any rate - you can allow his comments to beat down your self esteem, but you can also choose to handle his reactions differently as well.<P>I would just let it be okay for him not to go. Or perhaps you could join your family for a short while and then do something with your H and your kids separately. ??<P><p>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited May 12, 2001).]

Alberta, you took the words right out of my mouth.<P>LC, from what you have told us, he has never exactly been terrific with words... he has that in common with many men. It seemed to me like he may really have been trying to say that he didn't want to be with people who don't care about YOU.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

{{{Lady}}}:<P>I am so sorry to hear of your hurt.<P>I don't know why your husband did that. What Alberta and Terri suggest is quite possible. However, speaking from my experience with my husband, I fear he might be trying to control the situation and going for an area that he knows is a sore spot for you.<P>The real question is how to handle this in the future. <P>Here is what I would change. Everyone, please feel free to tell me that I am wrong. I seem to have a knack for saying hurtful things. <P><B>I said, "Well, we're supposed to meet there at 5:00. Aren't you goin?"<P> H: I don't want to go.<P> Me: I wish you would go.</B><P>I have often had similar conversations with my husband. The counselor I saw suggested I state directly what I want instead of beating around the bush. So I would suggest deciding what it is you want at the beginning of the question and sticking with that. <P>So here's what I would try to change the "next time" to...<P>You: My family is getting together at this restaurant 30 miles away in honor of Mother for her birthday. I'd like the two of us to go. Is that okay?<BR>H: No, I don't want to go.<BR>You: Okay. I'll tell them to just count me in.<P>This way you've given him advance notice and you've given him an honest out. You have told him up-front that you'd like him to go, but if he says no, don't push it. Folks often get really defensive if they think they're being wheedled into doing something. So I would try to avoid responses such as, "Well, you don't HAVE to go if you don't want to. It just hurts my feelings when you don't go to family get-togethers with me." The only "correct" response is "okay. I'll go." Kind of a trap.<P>Now, he still might bring up the "your family doesn't love you" bit....because he knows that it hurts and sometimes people attack when they're mad at themselves. If he does, just deflect it and realize that you both know the truth of the situation, even if it's not being shown at the moment.<P>Example:<BR>H: I don't know why you want to go. They don't give a s*** about you and never have.<BR>You: I'm going because it's a day to honor mom and I love her.<P>Gee...I wish I could follow my own advice! I tend to get wrapped up in the moment and lash out...<P>Well, hang in there. I hope that things go better for you. <P>AND...even though I offered suggestions for changes, I do think you did a good job of trying to avoid lovebusters and still express yourself. <P>Good luck. You are a good person!<P>Blessings.<BR>---HBC<BR><p>[This message has been edited by HurtButCoping (edited May 13, 2001).]

Thanks for the responses.<P>Well, we did go out with my family, and I think we had a pretty nice time. Afterward, we stopped and visited with one of H's friends and his family for a few minutes. <P>I guess I could have handled the initial conversation better...and I could have gone alone, but I've gone alone to MY family things so many times during our marriage that I feel like I may as well be single!<P>No, I don't think my H is particularly upset about the perception that my family doesn't love me. He just plain doesn't want to go....acts like he's terribly bored most of the time. On the way home, he generally has to pick my family apart. I should say that he does the same thing in regard to his family, so I think it's more a problem with HIM than it is with either of our respective families. Both of our family members are very nice and respectable, "salt of the earth" type people.<P>Actually, I think he would rather that I go by myself so he can go out to the bar without me. <P>And, to tell the truth, it's not like we go around my family ALL the time! I actually see my siblings only a few times a year, since we're all so involved with work, our children, etc.<P>My H has always told me things like this. I've been told that I'm the reason (because people don't like me?) we don't get invited out much, although we get invited out quite often, I think.<P>I think it's one of H's control methods. At any rate, I need for him to join me more often in visiting with my family, so I am going to continue to let him know that I need this from him. Next time, I'll try to have a better response to the "your family doesn't love you" stuff. I've done very well at dealing with my family over the past few years. They do love me, and in a crunch (such as when our dad died and when our mom had heart surgery), we all pull together...well, most of us do, anyway. We do have one brother who is really more out of the loop than I've ever been. We love him, but we don't LIKE him much...mostly because of things like trying to talk Dad out of leaving everything to Mom...and leaving half to the kids (us). Problem is, everything that Dad had belonged to BOTH him and Mom, so it wasn't all Dad's money to bequeath. The rest of us don't care if Mom spends every cent, so long as she's not ripped off and she has a good time with her money. We're not worried about Mom getting ripped off; she's sharp as a tack. <P>Anyway, I'm working on a way to nicely let him know that I'm very aware of my family dynamics and telling me that my family doesn't love me is absolutely unnecessary.<P>Thanks!<BR>LC