i was looking for information to help my W deal with her mom, and when i found this list so much of it was ME i couldnt believe it.<P><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>I assume responsibility for other's feelings and behaviors.<P><LI>I feel overly responsible for other's feelings and behaviors.<P><LI>I have difficulty in identifying feelings -- Am I Angry? Lonely? Sad? Happy? Joyful?<P><LI>I have difficulty expressing feelings -- I am feeling ... Happy, Sad, Hurt, Joyful.<P><LI>I tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond to my feelings.<P><LI>I have difficulty in forming and/or maintaining close relationships.<P><LI>I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.<P><LI>I am perfectionistic and place too many expectations on myself and others.<P><LI>I have difficulty making decisions.<P><LI>I tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how I feel.<P><LI>Other people's actions and attitudes tend to determine how I respond/react.<P><LI>I tend to put other people's wants and needs first.<P><LI>My fear of other's feelings (anger) determines what I say and do.<P><LI>I question or ignore my own values to connect with significant others. I value other's opinions more than my own.<P><LI>My self-esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences. I cannot acknowledge good things about myself.<P><LI>My serenity and mental attention is determined by how other's are feeling and/or behaving.<P><LI>I tend to judge everything I do, think, or say harshly; by someone else's standards -- nothing is done, said, or thought "Good Enough".<P><LI>I do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is both OKAY and NORMAL.<P><LI>I do not know that it is OKAY to talk about problems outside the family; or that feelings just are -- and it is better to share them than to deny, minimize or justify them.<P><LI>I tend to put other people's wants and needs before my own.<P><LI>I am steadfastly loyal -- even when the loyalty is unjustified -- and personally harmful.<P><LI>I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. <P></UL><P>all i can say is thats me, i have been working so hard on alot of this stuff unknowing but ill be back with more data in a few<P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

chaz- it's a list describing symptoms of what? Just curious.

was she raised by an alcoholic? are these symptoms of an adult child?<BR>

co-dependent, right?<P>It's me, all the way...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I can most definitely say I'm one of the ones on here that can identify with your list. There are a few of your points that do not describe me, but most of us aren't strictly only one personality type. We are usually a careful mixture of different ones. But mine is at least 75% 'dependant'.<P>Karen<BR>

Chaz,<P>I don't relate to many items on this checklist. The ones I do have trouble with are:<P>"I have difficulty expressing feelings -- I am feeling ..." (I have difficulty expressing anger and hurt, but not positive emotions.)<P>"I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others." Somewhat, post-EMR. Before EMR, I never was like this.<P>"I am perfectionistic and place too many expectations on myself and others." Not on others - only expectations on myself.<P>"I tend to put other people's wants and needs first." Sometimes you have to, especially in a marriage.<P>The others on the list were definite NOs!!!! What is this a checklist for, BTW?<P>belld

OOOh,,, some are me and some are H? <BR>so what are these symptoms of?<BR>C1

chaz,<P>what's the deal with posting this and then disappearing? We're diagnosing ourselves here!! <P>C'mon, what's the final analysis???? What is this the symptoms of....<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited May 22, 2001).]

Hi Chaz,<P>Wow what a list! Yes I see myself in 'some' of those items but not all. Most of us should see ourselves in a part of that list. <P>That is why we are here to help and get help. <P>Thanks for the eye opener. <P>L.

nyneve, you got it co-dependant heres your booby prize (.)(.)<P>i was amazed at how much of this list was true for me, almost top to bottom i could relate at some point of my life directly to this list.<P>any wonder i gave myself completely away to my wife when thats what i thought she wanted.<P>still a lot of self development needed.

Chaz,<P>This description defines my H to a tee, with only one exception, he has no problem expressing negative emotions, like anger, resentment, sadness, rage, etc.<P>I wonder what that means?<P>belld

belldandy and all<P>here is some more data, the more i find out the more of these signs i see in many posts here, and certainly in myself.<P><BR>Signs of Codependence <P>Codependence is most often evident in our relationships with people who are important in our lives, be it at work, in our family, with friends, or with those in authority. How we behave and feel in these settings may indicate if we have a problem. <P>The following statements are designed to acquaint you with some of the common signs of codependence. If you identify with some of these specific or the more general signs mentioned in the prior section, you may wish to investigate further. Please talk to a mental health professional or contact your local chapter of Co-Dependents Anonymous. <P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Low Self Worth <P>I feel like I'm different from other people. <P><BR>I don't see myself as a lovable, worthwhile person. <P>I'm uncomfortable when others compliment me or give me gifts. <P>Criticism and disapproval easily hurt me. <P>My desire to do things perfectly leads me to procrastinate. <P>I feel lonely even when I'm with people. <P>I frequently feel either less than or better than others. <P>I feel empty, like I have a "hole" inside me. <P>I frequently "beat myself up." <P>I often judge myself harshly; nothing I do is up to my expectations. <P>I often compare how I feel about myself with the outward appearance of others. <P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Controlling Behaviors <P>I have difficulty expressing certain kinds of feelings (grief, love, anger, fear). <P><BR>I judge people and things as right or wrong, good or bad. <P>I let people know only what I think is "safe" for them to know about me. <P>I have trouble having fun without drinking or getting "high" first. <P>I have a hard time accepting my mistakes. <P>I have difficulty asking for help. <P>I have trouble balancing work and recreation. <P>I like to "numb out" to relax (watch TV, sleep, eat, fantasize), often to my own disadvantage. <P>I have a fear of being out of control. <P>I sometimes rage in order to get my point across. <P>My self worth increases when I solve other people's problems. <P>I become resentful when others do not take my advice or will not let me help them. <P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Pleasing Behaviors <P>I compromise my own values and integrity in order to be accepted by others. <P><BR>I feel guilty when I say "no." <P>Often I have sex when I don't really want to. <P>I volunteer to do things I really don't want to do. <P>I spend a lot of time pretending things are "fine." <P>I believe that doing things to care for or please myself is selfish. <P>I put other people's needs before my own. <P>I usually do what my friends/partner want, rather than what I want to do. <P>I rarely let people know when I'm angry. <P>I won't say how I really feel, because I'm concerned about how others may react. <P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Relationship Issues <P>Codependence often turns up in our relationships. Following are additional signs which may help you to see if you or someone in your life needs to find out more about codependence. <P>I believe in love at first sight. <P><BR>I find people that are nice to me seem boring. <P>I believe that if I can get my partner to change, my problems would be solved. <P>I can't feel good about myself when my relationship isn't going well. <P>I accept sex when I really want love. <P>I feel that I'm incomplete when I'm not in a relationship. <P>I believe that other people can make me feel angry, happy, sad, etc. <P>I want to have good relationships, but they never seem to work out. <P>I have trouble being alone without keeping busy. <P>I feel responsible for other people's feelings. <P>I have trouble getting close to or trusting people. <P>I often feel anger that is out of proportion to what is happening.

Well, blach, you just described me to a "t"... I think I needed to read this today... I'm having MAJOR issues!! <P>... and all I get is those lousy boobies for being so smart?

I still don't relate to the majority of items on the list. I used to think that I was co-dependent because I accepted my H's behaviors; but now I'm not so sure anymore.<P>Now I wonder if I was the victim of *his* co-dependence -??<P>belldandy

I can relate to almost everyone of those on there...and the number one thing on my list is...<P>1. My self-esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences. I cannot acknowledge good things about myself.<P>But 98% of what is written down in your list is all me.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by belldandy:<BR><B>Chaz,<P>This description defines my H to a tee, with only one exception, he has no problem expressing negative emotions, like anger, resentment, sadness, rage, etc.<P>I wonder what that means?<P>belld</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B><BR>I often feel anger that is out of proportion to what is happening<P>I sometimes rage in order to get my point across. </B><P><BR>these items of the second behavior post i thought might apply to the exception you gave for your H<BR><p>[This message has been edited by chazbutler (edited May 22, 2001).]

Um ... duh! Sometimes I miss things that are pretty obvious, lol! Yup, H is very much over-reactive and rages out of control quite frequently. He tells me that it's "normal." Don't think so!<P>In fact, when I applied the statement of "having difficulty expressing emotions" to myself, in reality I intentionally do *not* exhibit anger in a way that is "out of control," e.g., by raging, screaming, nagging, etc. I simply say, "I'm very angry." It is a very deliberate reaction to how my H behaves. I see how uncontrollable his anger makes him, and I don't want to behave like that. I know how people talk about his "bad temper."<P>belld

Chaz, where did you find this list?

Just sent this checklist to my H, but I didn't tell him what it was for. He marked at least 60 percent of the statements as "true" to the two I marked as "true."<P>Interesting!<P>belld

<A HREF="http://nccod.netgate.net/signsof.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://nccod.netgate.net/signsof.htm</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www2.addr.com/~sariaa/codep-rl/codep-rl.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www2.addr.com/~sariaa/codep-rl/codep-rl.htm</A> <P>these are the sites where i found these lists, i just got back from the book store, pick up a couple of books on codependance, and the surrendered wife <P>ill keep you posted on what i find.