My husband is trying to brainwash me and downplay everything and anything special we've ever had. He tells me daily, quite a few times that there is nothing between us, I need to let him go (mentally), that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me, etc. And it's starting to wear me down. How can anyone keep hearing these things and think otherwise?<P>He is leaving at the end of the week (on our son's 1st birthday). At least he has agreed that this is temporary until he can think clearly and realizes what he truly wants (originally he was adamant about never coming back, leaving forever, etc.). However, he also says that he still thinks about OW and if she tries to get back together with him he is going to go for it (ouch!!). It's not his plan, but if that happens, that is what he is going to do. He also says while he is away that he will think about things, the special times we had, etc. BUT, he is almost positive he will like being away from us and that he will not want to come back and that I have to get that through my head.<P>I told him I'd be willing to wait a year for him to make his decision, clear his head, but not if OW is involved. He knows that and said he will tell me right away (he did last time as well).<P>What gets me is that he says he wants to come over and see the kids during the week and that he is going to make supper and help clean the house to help us out. Yet, he also wants to have nothing to do with us cuz' he wants to live in misery.<P>Ugh. He is very confusing and just keeps saying things to hurt me and try to make me stop loving him (or accept the fact that he doesn't love me anymore). I just think he is in the fog and that is why he doesn't love me... <P>

OH my sounds SO familiar! My H of 15 yrs and I have 3 kids and had what I thought was a good marriage until OW seemed to take over his thought control process! He suddenly began saying he felt we werent emotionally 'bonded' from the start and that he married me because he was supposed to get married at that age( we had been in love for 2 yrs before marrying) rewrote alot of our marital history, and claimed he cant decide if he still loves me or not and is 'waiting to see if he gets his feelings back for me' etc. Yes I've heard alot of incredulous things out of his mouth the past few months. H was so fogged in he actually even filed for D on me last month saying we were incompatible, counseling wouldnt help, it wouldnt hurt the kids etc etc! All things he had NEVER said to me before OW got involved with him. Since then he has cancelled the papers and OW moved to another state- he pined away for her the past few wks still mentioning D and crazy things but is SLOWLY finally becoming more sane lately. Praise the Lord. Dont take what your H says too seriously. When H would talk like that I would envision OW saying those things since that is where it is coming from anyhow. I'd leave and go do something for myself- anything- go to Starbucks, get a new nail polish, magazine, take a bath, go for a walk go to a friends house, WHATEVER! And I went to counseling every wk by myself even when he wouldnt go. I told my whole church about it even - got alot of emotional support there. ( yes that story travelled fast) Let those mean remarks roll right off you. I made sure that to tell him that God hates divorce and that he would be divorcing me against my will and against what we are raising our children to believe is right. I told him if he did do it against my will it would be a long drawn out divorce and I would move to another state with the kids and start my life all over without him.I also talked to him alot about the values we used to share- somehow OW warped them pretty badly. When I would mention OW it would lead to a fight so I started Plan A. It irritated him at first my being so considerate but eventually it 'took' so to speak. I am 4 mo past d-day and we are only now starting to seriously reconcile. Hope this helps a bit. lifeismessy

Okay. So I was just venting a few minutes ago. But seriously, he is SO convincing that this is what he wants and I need to just let go of our relationship. It is not going to work, he is gone from me, no longer available, etc.<P>Is there ANY way to tell if this is true fog-talk or if it is reality? I know, just wait and see, but it is SO painful.<P>BTW, I have let him go, that's why he's leaving. I was going to plan B right away but have decided to Plan A until when/if he gets back with OW, then plan B all the way, baby!<P>It's just so HARD for me to have hope. UGH. How can anyone do this to somebody? Especially when we were BEST friends, shared everything and were SO close, just 2 months ago (pre EA)! Now he says he would be perfectly happy if we were just "civil" enough that he could see the kids every once in a while. UGH! How could someone just go from having all that, to nothing and be OKAY with it???<P>My husband has been abducted by aliens, please bring him back!!

Hi LiM. I've been following your story as well, and only hope that I can one day say we are at least "starting" recovery.<P>In my case though the OW did not put these thoughts in my H head, he did that all himself. Pretty active imagination / self-hate if you ask me. Also, my husband is not religious, in fact I would call him an athiest, so that won't work for me either.<P>Slowly, slowly, his morals fade away as he warps history to make what he is doing seem right...<P>I'll try to keep the hope, it is so hard.

Hmm maybe you should think of him as abducted by a cult such as the Moonies. Thats what I did- I realized OW snatched H at a very vulnerable time in his life- his parents had just both passed away, we moved across the country, his only remaining sibling confessed he was gay, he was passed over for a job promotion, frustrated by his new job position etc. Did he process any of that emotionally? NO! Just let it brew inside that head of his and when OW came along he was jello in her hands. I do think he was mad at me about undealt with issues over the years and put that on SIMMER and OW lit the gas burner under it and turned it up to HIGH! Hang in there- I do believe he will come out from under that rock eventually. lifeismessy

Dear Hurt, Wow, Thank God for this MB site or else we'd all feel so alone and unique in our situations. Just wanted to let you know that your H's behaviour and "rewriting" of your past is EXACTLY what my H did for a long time. For some reason, he seems to have softened. I'm not certain how or why but in a recent letter that he wrote me, he managed to thank me for the beautiful times of our past. Just one month ago, the past was only "miserable". My advice to you is to keep your head up and rise above him. Believe what is in your heart and don't let him change the past for you. I didn't push my H towards changing his mind about it. He had to do that for himself.

D-day #1 was nine months ago and the A has been over for over eight months. Still, it seems like yesterday that my H was exactly as you have all described - telling me that he never really loved me, that he married because he felt he had no choice since everyone expected it, that he was cold to me and could not remember a time when he was truly happy with me, and every fond memory I could think of was really a miserable time for him. Even after d-day #2 and the real end of the A, he continued to say similar things - he could never be happy staying with me, continuing our M would be settling for him, that the love of his life was not me, that he would stay and try but only for the sake of the children, and this does not include all the hurtful things he said about my character and appearance.<P>It seemed like an eternity before the rewriting of our M stopped. I think it took more than 6 months before my H could see our M in a positive and realistic light.<P>At 8 months, my H now says that he is completely committed to our M (and to the children and I) and that he can never imagine himself getting so low ever again. Still, I am not certain that the aliens have brought all the pieces of him back yet. I don't think that he is quite whole but am hopeful he will be more and more as the days pass.<P>Are the three of you, with your Hs, in MC? or in IC? I would highly, highly recommend it. I frankly don't know whether we would have survived the first 6 months of recovery without C. God knows that we had some very close calls in recovery, even with a C, and we are not out of the woods yet.<P>Wishing you all much patience.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill