My WS and I are currently in our third attempt at reconcilliation - the first two being broken down by her continuing to see OM. We've been married almost 17 years, Dday was in Oct. 2000 - and after the last breakdown, we started the process of divorce (which is now on hold).<P>The first time WS was caught seeing OM was during our initial period of counselling - after 3 mos - and once confronted, she agreed to give up the relationhip. But, she also told me that we were not having sex until she felt it was "right". We had continued having sex during those initial months, but she wanted to make sure sex wasn't "clouding the issue". I agreed and for 2 months we were abstinate - although we remained affectionate with hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc.<P>Eventually, things felt reconcilled to us and we began having sex again. However, after about a month, problems started reappearing and we began to think divorce was our only option.<P>Now that divorce is on hold again and we are back in counselling, she has once again told me that she doesn't want to have sex with me until things are right, like before. I have accepted this out of respect to her, but am struggling on two accounts.<P>First, as a man, I guess I don't really understand what her mindset is here. She has said in counselling that she always felt I was a good lover and, although like many long-married couples we had issues from time to time about frequency of sex, she has also said she's always enjoyed making love to me. She also nows that sex is an issue for me since I have a steady desire for her and that the first time we were abstinate, it was tough for me. Doing this again feels somewhat selffish to me and I'm really beginning to wonder if there isn't anything more to it than what she says. I'm hoping you guys have some insight for me.<P>Also, since it's now been a couple months since we've had sex yet again (between the period of starting divorce and now), I struggle with trying to find practical ways to control my libido. Any pointers about how one controls your desires when you have an active passion for your wife? We still sleep together, snuggle and kiss in bed, and remain affectionate during the day so I feel sort of torn - almost like when you are dating and it just isn't time for it to go to the next level. That is how I've been approaching my mindset for now, but it feels awkward since it is different being that we were initmate at one time.<P>I currently take Zoloft (which has helped my emotional swings greatly) - unfortunately, unlike many people, I didn't get the common side effect of diminished sexual desire <P>Thanks for your understanding and support!

SF - I'm terribly sorry, but I can't offer any understanding or support. I'm a guy and I think you have your priorities backwards. You mean she's been willing to reconcile several times and has actually been to counseling with you? There's a bunch of us here who would give anything for that opportunity. And you're worried about sex? I think I understand why she went back to OM.<P>Again, I'm sorry. There's obviously a lot about your situation that I don't know, but sometimes support, like love, has to be tough.<P>WAT

OK, I'm not a guy....<P>Seems to me after all my time around here (as I creep around with my cane and bifocals) that recovery tends to take one of two extremes - honeymoon sex or none. Not a whole lot of folks have the middle ground.<P>We sorta went with #2. I don't think it's a girl thing not wanting to have sex right now or something that you can't understand as a man.....I think it's a WS thing in this case and you HAVE to understand as a BS. If you choose your marriage you will have to choose to let that part of her life heal as well. I had to. K had to. Lots of others have to. And if for one moment you think it's harder on you or your drive is greater b/c of your gender, wander over to the EN board and check out the posts from females frustrated 'cause they have much greater sex drives than their partners!<P>Stay consistant with non-sexual affection. Don't make her think that anything of that nature is "leading up" to more. I know, as a BS with a healthy sex drive that's one of the things I wanted back immediately and so badly. Maybe 'cause he gave it to someone else? Who knows.<P>But I do know now that, after a year, it was worth waiting for and worth working for. You will to. Let the physical relationship be a natural flow from the rest of your relationship and it will be better than ever.<P>As far as your libido. Heck, you've been a guy for a long time and I know you haven't always had a readily available sexual partner every moment you felt the urge. You already KNOW how to deal with that part. <P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Spirit- I can certainly relate to what youre going thru even though I'm not a man. My H cut off the sex between us as soon as his emotional A with a single coworker became physical. That was one of the tip-offs that he was having an A. I had never been much of an initiator with him but after 2mo of his not even approaching it I figured something was not right. He confessed the A when I confronted him 3 mo after it became physical between them. By then he was emotionally HOOKED with her he would sleep on the couch and couldnt decide if he wanted to work on our marriage or not. Would start counseling with me then quit. Even moved out for a few wks then back in. Then OW pressured him to file for D on me which he did and then he cancelled. I kept wanting sex with him to feel connected to him.After all he IS my husband! despite his little stupid affair! Yet he told me it was like as if I demanded he go kiss the next door neighbor lady. ( this after 15 yrs of marriage to each other!)I decided to get addicted to shopping and Starbucks coffee until his drive came back.Apparently he had to work thru his emotions in his own head regarding OW, his mid life crisis, his guilt, fear of the future, etc. Which it did finally after 6 mo of NONE with me! When it came back which was very recently its been TERRIFIC. It was worth the wait. Hang in there if you still want her. lifeismessy

<BR>Lostva and Worthatry are certainly was right on.<P>I just spend the morning reading a book that might be able to help you out here: "I Love You, Let's Work It Out" by David Viscott. There is a section in it titled "The Most Common Female Sexual Problem". It is right along the line of what the Lostva and Wortharty said but in much more detail. As a woman I can tell you that what Dr. Viscott says is right on. Actually the entire book is a great read and help. <P>My suggestion is that you read the Viscott book, the get two other books: "1001 Ways to Be Romantic" by Gregory Godek and "Making Love Better Than Ever", by Barbara Keesling. If you work to fill your wives' emotional needs, romance her and give her time to heal, you sex life will be better then ever. Remember that women usually have affection and conversation in their top 5 emotional needs. Love is the emotion and it means nothing if it is not expressed. Romance is the expression of love. This leads to a simple formula: Romance = Sex. Note that this is not a mathematical formula, for in math in inverse must be true.. it is not. (Sex does not = Romance ) IMHO of course.<P>And ditto "As far as your libido. Heck, you've been a guy for a long time and I know you haven't always had a readily available sexual partner every moment you felt the urge. You already KNOW how to deal with that part. "<P>What ever you do, do not start demanding that your wife fills your sexual needs out of obligation. It will turn her off so fast your head will spin.<P>my 2 cents<BR>Z<P>He loves not who does not show his love.<BR> --------William Shakespeare<BR>

You people are great!<P>I certainly had to come to the realization about romance, affection, and sex very early on in this process - and I'm grateful for you all emphasizing that point to me again. <P>I guess I've been put off by this happening again since we went thru abstinence before. I struggle always trying to remember where my wife is at in this process - and it is different from me!<P>Reading thru so many posts on this board, I'm reminded how lucky I am that she is even home and we are giving it a go.<P>Thanks for keeping me on track!

spiritfilled,<P>isn't it funny how unique we think we are. Here I was thinking the exact same thing as you. <P>I too have been dealing with the same thing you are. <P>My wife just broke off a 3 month relationship with an old boyfriend. Luckily they live 1000 miles apart. I confronted her about two weeks ago about it, and she finally told me everything.<P>I have 3 children, and have been married for 10 years. I could not believe that she would do this to me again. 5 years ago she had an affair with a coworker that got very physical. After I found out, we went through months of therapy, and I decided to forgive her and stay with the marriage.<P>Can I ask you what you are planning on doing now after the second one has been found out?? How are you dealing with the anger and the pain? How are you and your wife working on trust?? I am trying to figure this out for myself. I get alot of advice from close friends and family. I am not decided what I am going to do....<P>you can email me at coopergerald@hotmail.com , I should would like to compare notes, sort to speak. <P>Thanks W<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by spiritfilled:<BR><B>My WS and I are currently in our third attempt at reconcilliation - the first two being broken down by her continuing to see OM. We've been married almost 17 years, Dday was in Oct. 2000 - and after the last breakdown, we started the process of divorce (which is now on hold).<P>The first time WS was caught seeing OM was during our initial period of counselling - after 3 mos - and once confronted, she agreed to give up the relationhip. But, she also told me that we were not having sex until she felt it was "right". We had continued having sex during those initial months, but she wanted to make sure sex wasn't "clouding the issue". I agreed and for 2 months we were abstinate - although we remained affectionate with hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc.<P>Eventually, things felt reconcilled to us and we began having sex again. However, after about a month, problems started reappearing and we began to think divorce was our only option.<P>Now that divorce is on hold again and we are back in counselling, she has once again told me that she doesn't want to have sex with me until things are right, like before. I have accepted this out of respect to her, but am struggling on two accounts.<P>First, as a man, I guess I don't really understand what her mindset is here. She has said in counselling that she always felt I was a good lover and, although like many long-married couples we had issues from time to time about frequency of sex, she has also said she's always enjoyed making love to me. She also nows that sex is an issue for me since I have a steady desire for her and that the first time we were abstinate, it was tough for me. Doing this again feels somewhat selffish to me and I'm really beginning to wonder if there isn't anything more to it than what she says. I'm hoping you guys have some insight for me.<P>Also, since it's now been a couple months since we've had sex yet again (between the period of starting divorce and now), I struggle with trying to find practical ways to control my libido. Any pointers about how one controls your desires when you have an active passion for your wife? We still sleep together, snuggle and kiss in bed, and remain affectionate during the day so I feel sort of torn - almost like when you are dating and it just isn't time for it to go to the next level. That is how I've been approaching my mindset for now, but it feels awkward since it is different being that we were initmate at one time.<P>I currently take Zoloft (which has helped my emotional swings greatly) - unfortunately, unlike many people, I didn't get the common side effect of diminished sexual desire <P>Thanks for your understanding and support!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>