Not sure when exactly I'm going to need this, but thought I should be prepared (I plagiarized from a bunch of people - hope you don't mind!). I know there's a bunch of stuff that probably should not be in there, but here goes anyway:<P>Dear <H>,<BR>This letter is the hardest and the scariest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I love you <H>. I have loved for the past 10 years of my life. You are the world to me. I have always said that I would be perfectly happy stranded on a deserted island as long as you were by my side. I respect you, you make me feel safe, you make my life complete. My love for you has not diminished, even though you have been involved with <OW> and continue to keep her in your life.<P>More than anything, I pray that we can put our mistakes behind us and build a better life for our family. I want for all of us to have the kind of life we DESERVE, not the one we are forced to live with. We can do it, together. It will take a lot of work from both of us, but we owe it to ourselves and to our children to make our marriage work. Choosing to run away and ignore the problems will just leave them unresolved and cause more heartache in the future.<P>You are not a bad person. The <H> I know is kind, caring, compassionate and loves his children will the kind of zest I wish I possessed. Your involvement with <OW> has changed all that. You are no longer the person you used to be. The man that stands before me is a stranger to me and the kids. You have even said yourself that you do not feel like this is you. It is worsened by an addiction to <OW> and you need to get help. I cannot continue to let you hurt me and the kids verbally. It is dangerous and you are only getting worse as time goes on. <P>I pray every day that you will find the courage inside yourself to take the next step and get the help you deserve. You cannot do this alone, nobody can. Everyone needs help at some point in their lives, now is your time. I want to be here to help you, I am the best person suited to help you get through this. You have been there for me in the past, just like I want to be here for you now. But I cannot do this while <OW> is still in your life. The first step in getting help is to break the addiction that is continuing to plague our marriage. I know it will be hard, do you think an alcoholic just one day wakes up and can quit drinking cold turkey? Of course not, he needs support, he needs help. So do you.<P>While you are still in contact with <OW> I cannot be here for you. It is just too painful and devastating for me to see you engulfed in another woman. You cannot imagine what it is like for me to see you in so much turmoil and pain and not be able to help you. It crushes me. Although I realize she is an addiction for you, it does not make it any easier for me to deal with. You say you have the willpower to resist her, but I do not believe you do.<P>In order to preserve my love for you and the deep friendship/companionship we had, I must insist that we maintain a "no-contact" relationship until you are willing to take that first step to recovery. I will hope and pray that you will make the time to have supervised visitation with the kids. Your parents have agreed to be the liaison for this. You can see the kids whenever you want, <H>, but it must be supervised at their house until you are able to get the help you need.<P>Please know that I am not doing this to hurt you or to punish you in anyway. I have to protect myself and the kids from this new person you have become and to keep our love for you intact. I need a chance to heal emotionally from this experience, I had always prayed we could do this together and you would be by my side to help me, but that just cannot be with your current state of mind. The children do not yet understand the role <OW> has played in the destruction of the family life they deserve, but it has hurt me beyond words. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. I would like to have a chance of reconciliation in the future. I want you to have the time you say you need to realize what it is you want. I don't want you to be miserable for the rest of your life, and I don't believe this is truly what you want either. I want you to have time to think about our family and our relationship, the reasons why you developed such resentment for me (not being able to deal with kids/life), and how it is possible, with help, to change and do the right thing. When you are willing to work on our marriage, I want you to know that I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. Just don't take too long because at some point, the line is drawn and there is no crossing back. I have not drawn that line yet, but I have the chalk out.<P>I love you <H>, you will always be special to me and my one true love. I am very proud of the man you were just 2 months ago. Proud of you as a husband, a father, and a student. You are a good man inside. I have tried my best to convey my true feelings to you and my desire to have you as my husband and the full-time father of our kids. I don't know what else to say. I don't want to guilt you or trap you into staying. This is your decision and I will respect and get on with my life no matter what you decide, even if I know it is wrong.<P>I love you with all my heart.<P>

HBH - This is a very good letter - well written and it says a lot of the things that need to be said to WSs. But you know what I'm about to say: you shouldn't say them in a Plan B letter according to the Harleys. I would love to cut and paste your words directly into my own Plan B letter, but all the advise I've received says to avoid trying to educate the WS about what he or she needs. If this was thought to be effective, your letter would be perfect. Who knows, maybe it would be effective on some WSs?<P>I hope you get other opinions.<P>WAT

hurtbyhubby,<P>It's a good letter...<BR>...but... (I'm sorry if I am too critical)...<P>...it appears a bit "needy"...<BR>"You are the world to me"...<BR>"...stranded on a deserted island... "...<BR>"you make me feel safe, you make my life complete"...<BR>"you will always be special to me and my one true love"...<BR>...and a few others...<P>...makes it look like you are sooooo "needy".<P>I've always said that a Plan B letter needs to be a <B>Love Letter</B>...<BR>...and the best kind of <B>Love Letter</B> is one that shows strength (from a man or woman!)<P>Moving into Plan B <B>MEANS</B> that you acknowledge that there is a chance... possibly a <B>great</B> chance... that your marriage will NOT work!<P>Making these kinds of statements...<BR>...isn't going to give your H the message that you<BR>1. have grown<BR>2. are strong enough to carry on without him<BR>3. will not fall into a relationship with someone else... out of your pain.<P>It <B>is</B> OK to say your hurt.<BR>It <B>is</B> OK to say you contributed to the problems.<P>But put the focus on a "better you"...<P>Reread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>...<BR>And take a look a some of the other more recent Plan B critques... (I liked <B>InShockinCali</B>'s and <B>Rick37</B>'s).<P>Please don't be upset with my comments...<BR>...I just felt you might rethink your approach a bit.<P>Prayers for you.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 02, 2001).]

Yeah. I guess you guys are write. I suppose writing a plan B letter in the middle of the night after you just found pictures of OW in your husband's wallet (where yours used to be) wasn't a good idea. I'll try again later today/tomorrow to revise it, especially taking out the "needy" stuff.<P>The reason I included most of the stuff about the OW being an addiction and him needing help and stuff was because he has actually agreed with these things and said I was "probably right" or that I was right. So, I'm torn about whether or not to remove them just yet... It's not really educating if he has already agreed about it, is it? I don't know. What do others think about that part of it? Should I take it out?

HBH - terrific insight on your part about writing after finding the picture. Sorta like grocery shopping when you're hungry? <P>Regardless of whether or not you should mention it in a Plan B letter, his acknowledgement of needing help is very positive, if he's sincere. If this keeps up, you'll not need Plan B, I hope.<P>WAT

Okay, here's the 2nd draft. Is this any better?<P>Dear <H>,<BR> This letter is the hardest and the scariest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I love you <H>. I have loved you for the past 10 years of my life. I respect you, and I am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that has made your affair possible. My love for you has not diminished, even though you have been involved with<BR><OW> and continue to keep her in your life.<P>More than anything, I pray that we can put our mistakes behind us and build a better life for our family. I want for all of us to have the kind of life we DESERVE, not the one we are forced to live with. We can do it, together. It will take a lot of work from both of us, but we owe it to ourselves and to our children to make our marriage work. Choosing to run away and ignore the problems will just leave them unresolved and cause more heartache in the future.<P>You are not a bad person. The <H> I know is kind, caring, compassionate and loves his children will the kind of zest I wish I possessed. Your involvement with <OW> has changed all that. You are no longer the person you used to be. The man that stands before me is a stranger to me and the kids. You have even said yourself that you do not feel like this is you. It is worsened by your addiction to <OW>. I cannot continue to let you hurt me and the kids verbally. It is dangerous and you are only getting worse as time goes on. <P>I pray every day that you will find the courage inside yourself to take the next step and get the help you deserve. You cannot do this alone, nobody can. Everyone needs help at some point in their lives, now is your time. I want to be here to help you, I am the best person suited to help you get through this. You have been there for me in the past, just like I want to be here for you now. But I cannot do this while <OW> is still in your life. The first step in getting help is to break the addiction that is continuing to plague our marriage. I know it will be hard, but I'll be here for you if you make this choice.<P>However, while you are still in contact with <OW> I cannot be here for you. It is just too painful and devastating for me to see you engulfed in another woman. You cannot imagine what it is like for me to deal with my biggest fear head-on every day. It crushes me. Although I realize she is an addiction for you, it does not make it any easier for me to deal with. You say you have the willpower to resist her, but I do not believe you do. Every day I continue to live like this is like a thousand swords are thrust threw my heart.<P>In order to preserve my love for you and the deep friendship/companionship we had, I must insist that we<BR>maintain a "no-contact" relationship until you are willing to take that first step to recovery. I will hope and pray that you will make the time to have supervised visitation with the kids. Your parents have agreed to be the liaison for this. You can see the kids whenever you want, <H>, but it must be supervised.<P>Please know that I am not doing this to hurt you or to punish you in anyway. I have to protect myself and the kids from this new person you have become and to keep our love for you intact. I need a chance to heal emotionally from this experience, The children do not yet understand the role <OW> has played in the destruction of the family life they deserve, but it has hurt me beyond words. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. I have told you before, the husband/father we knew is MIA, I need to accept that and move on. Yeah, maybe he'll come back - maybe not. I can't sit around waiting. I need to get on with my life and make a good life for the kids. That is what I am doing.<P>I would like to have a chance of reconciliation in the future. I want you to have the time you say you need to realize what it is you want. I don't want you to be miserable for the rest of your life, and I don't believe this is truly what you want either. I want you to have time to think about our family and our relationship, the reasons why you developed such resentment for me (not being able to deal with kids/life), and how it is possible, with help,to change and do the right thing. When you are willing to work on our marriage, I want you to know that I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. Just don't take too long because at some point, the line is drawn and there is no crossing back. I have not drawn that line yet, but I have the chalk out.<P>I love you <H>, you will always be special to me. I am very proud of the man you were just 2 months ago. Proud of you as a husband, a father, and a student. You are a good man inside. I have tried my best to convey my true feelings to you and my desire to have you as my husband and the full-time father of our kids. I don't know what else to say. I don't want to guilt you or trap you into staying. This is<BR>your decision and I will respect and get on with my life no matter what you decide, even if I do not agree. I will make it and I will make the best life for the kids that I possibly can, but also know that although it may be what I need to do, it is not what I WANT.<P>I love you with all my heart. Take Care, <H>.<BR>

Hello Hurt!<BR>What a wonderful, difficult letter you wrote.<BR>I have the following comments.<BR><B>You are not a bad person. </B> and <B>It is dangerous and you are only getting worse as time goes on. </B><P>Perhaps a little harsh in a plan b 'love letter?'<P><B>I am the best person suited to help you get through this. </B><BR>I think you could leave this out and have the same impact...might be read as an LB.<P><B>Although I realize she is an addiction for you, it does not make it any easier for me to deal with. You say you have the willpower to resist her, but I do not believe you do. Every day I continue to live like this is like a thousand swords are thrust threw my heart.</B><P>I know this is true, because I have experienced the feeling as well, but should you write it in your plan b letter?<P><B>the reasons why you developed such resentment for me (not being able to deal with kids/life), and how it is possible, with help,to change and do the right thing. </B><P>true, but does it need to be in letter?<P><B>Just don't take too long because at some point, the line is drawn and there is no crossing back. I have not drawn that line yet, but I have the chalk out. </B><P>This may be seen as a gauntlet, know the timeline in your head, but this may be too strong.<P>I hope these comments help. I think you've crafted a fine letter. May we never have to use our plan b letters .<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

I have been thinking of my plan B letter as well, though I'm not sure when I'll write one yet. Your letter contains many of the same things that I want to put in mine.<BR>I agree with InSockinCalif about what they suggested. The letter is good but I think it's a bit too long and these things should be ommitted. I think I want my letter to feel like I'm pulling the rug out from under his feet,shock him. I suggest you emphasize the fact that you will not see him again until he gives up OW.<BR>I also suggest you don't use the words "work" about your marriage. Just a thought but if your H decides to come back to you he may not have much energy to "work" on anything.<BR>It seems to me that for the first while when the WS comes home the BS does most of the work.<BR>