I really don't know if this is good timing or bad.<P>My wife has definitely changed her attitude towards me recently. It coincided with the arrival of my new au pair a little over a week ago. I had mentioned to my wife prior to that, that I was treating the arrival of the new au pair as an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start over on the right footing with a better relationship between her and the new au pair. (The relationship between the departing au pair and my wife was soured back in February due to my wife's inappropriate demands on her.) Her attitude towards me now has changed to be more friendly, with more frequent interactions initiated by her, more conversant, and definitely not representative of someone who intends to file for divorce sometime in the next two months (our required year of separation will be Aug. 20, but she could have filed already to start the process). Previously, she was belligerent and always aloof in our communications, which she limited to issues regarding our son.<P>Other recent events have included, 1) our anniversary several weeks ago, for which I simply gave her a card with a love letter reaffirming my desire to restore our family (she did not respond), 2) an incident between me and OM where he threatened me and attempted to intimidate me by intentionally driving fast and close to me as I walked my dogs - swerving around at the last second (my wife heard about this from OM who certainly described it very differently, but I think she believed my account in the end), and 3) my financial summary to her showing all the money she owed me for taxes and son's expenses - over $3000.<P>Anyway, in conjunction with my intent to go to Plan B, Steve agreed a few weeks ago that I should delay its implementation for a couple of weeks in order to make a final effort to finish up with a pristine Plan A. I currently intend to send the Plan B letter a week from today (on June 11), coinciding roughly with the end of the school year.<P>So, what the h*** is going on? These are the possibilities as I see it:<P>1) She's trying to play the role of a good co-parent in anticipation of filing to be able to say she's been cooperative.<BR>2) In conjunction with 1), she's trying not to make me mad because of all the money she owes me.<BR>3) She wants to butter me up in anticipation of asking that I agree to have the new au pair spend some time at her apartment so she gets more time with our son.<BR>4) The pristine Plan A finish is working.<BR>5) Regardless of any of the above, the fog is clearing.<P>I honestly do not know the status of the affair. I DO know that OM is well on his way in divorce proceedings and has become very belligerent with his wife and children, consistent with his anger towards me.<P>Add to the mix this portion of a phone conversation this morning between W and I. She called me twice to discuss our son's minor problem with some other boys at school:<P>Her: Did you talk to <principal>?<BR>Me: Yes, we had a good conversation and we discussed <son's> need to do a better job at biting his tongue and not taking personally comments from other kids.<BR>Her: OK, good. We really need to impress upon him that he needs to be respectful of others' feelings.<BR>Me: (silence)<BR>Her: I want to show you some information I got about a communication/leadership course I got from <local community college> that we should consider enrolling him in this summer.<BR>Me: OK, is it age appropriate?<BR>Her: Yes, I bring the information over to show you.<P>Previously, she would have simply told me this is what we're going to do instead of seeking my approval first.<P>In yet another call this morning, she left a message on my voice mail actually apologizing for botching the registration of our son in a practice SSAT test. She was aware we needed to do it, but didn't tell me about it and now it's too late. I can't remember the last time she apologized for ANYTHING.<P>Sorry for all the moving parts here, but I plan to have another conversation with Steve before Plan B to see if any of this warrants a change in my plans, letter, or interaction with her.<P>Lora and Lor (Lor) speculated recently that maybe she senses a pulling away by me during my preps for Plan B and is responding accordingly.<P>You can see my anxiety by now. Is this the absolutely best time for Plan B or will Plan B, regardless of it's benefits to me personally, backfire and send her back into her cave?<P>Dave (WAT)

Having been a cave-dweller myself for the last six months of my (ex)marriage, I can only guess that she's scared sh!tless that you're stopping your efforts, and that your marriage is TRULY headed for an end.<P>{As an aside, I was in the cave and my ex didn't even care ~ that's how I saw it, anyway. He SAID he didn't want the divorce, yet did nothing to show it - besides cry - and he sure didn't fight for me.}<P>You are doing very well, Dave, and I would quit thinking so hard... you know in your head and heart what's going on, don't you? You have a good sense of reality -- she does not. <P>Hang in there, and keep doing what you're doing... the truth of the situation is hitting her, and she's trying to hold it back or stop it. <P>It's the cake and eat it too thingy.

WAT,<BR>You of course have the wonderful input of Steve.<P>I'm thinking...of course you could continue Plan A, if you can, but...will she continue to change for the positive? If there is reconciliation after Plan B, the WS is usually pretty dang sure they want to come back, and why. There is kind of a trend that people who just stay in A and reconcile get a wishy-washy spouse back. More fence-sitting, some more limbo time. I certainly did with the first 6 reconciliations.<P>A continued Plan A...you could reconcile or lose her for good.<P>A plan B...you could reconcile or lose her for good.<P>Oh...that's the same choice . It really depends on what you are able to do. There are some of us who did a long A (a year +)...and think it was too long. Mine was--but I really didn't do well at B, and my lovebank drained.<P>Wish I had the guaranteed answer.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

WAT,<P>It sounds like the rollercoaster is roaring to me. Who knows what it means. Being a somewhat cautious 1-3 sound very reasonable. However, one cannot discount 4-5. Her being civil may not mean much more than she is tired of fighting. <P>I would definitely talk with Steve H about the Plan B. This may be the right time to deliver it, but remember it is to protect you. If interactions with her don't drain your Love Bank, then you should continue to interact. IF they are then Plan B is probably in order.<P>My best guess. Sorry I can't help more.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

WAT:<P>Thanks for all your words of encouragement and support. I hope I can do the same for you.<P>Perhaps she does sense you pulling back. I don't recall how long you have been married, but you two have had a long-term relationship and she 'depends' on you for certain things whether she admits it or not.<P>Plan B will be difficult for you, but it will be hard for her too. All the EN's she gets from you will not be met. And, the chance that OM will meet them are slim. (That could be why she's still contacting you...)<P>She needs plan b to understand how much you are a part of her life and she needs you. You need plan b to restore yourself and preserve your love for her.<P>I'm not pushing you to plan b, but I have 'heard' how weary you are. <P>Don't be satisfied by a shred of hope, when our WS's come back we want ALL of them--no holding back.<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

WAT,<BR>I guess I am pessimistic about the ws based on my experiences with my x, so I think its 1-3. MAybe she is on anti-depressants too.<P>Every once in a while my x is pleasnt towards me like last weekend wehn she saw me with g/f and she said hello pleasantly. Yesterday she called the kids and asked to talk to me, not sure when that last happened, and she said she would drop off check for $40 that she had stiffed me on a few weeks ago. I bas this behavior on massive doses of anti-deps.<P>Just my take.<P>Bob

Hi Dave, there you go analyzing everything again <P>I really don't know what the answer to this dilemma is. I would have to say that it's probably a combination of everything that is making her more amicable towards you. Or, it could be that she is realizing how wonderful you are and what she is missing out on!! <P>As for plan A vs. plan B---I think Lor said it best. The outcome will most likely be the same either way. What do you feel that you are ready for? If the recent behavior makes it so you think you can Plan A for a little while longer, then maybe that's the best way to go. If you are becoming so drained, then it's probably time for Plan B. <P>Wish I had a better answer for you---just make sure and bite your tongue on any potential LB's. (it sure would be nice if I could follow my own advice on that one)<P>Take Care and Be Strong!!!<P>J

Dave,<P>Let me just make the disclaimer that I may be overanalyzing here....<BR>Maybe with everything going on in both of their lives, the excitement is wearing off. Why is he so hostile toward you? It seems that sometimes when the OP feels threatened they get a little more agressive concerning their desires. This has a tendency to put a damper on things. I sure hope that is what is happening in your case. I believe that is what my H's OW was doing in the end and that my Plan A was really starting to take effect.<P>I do agree that its a good thing you will be talking to steve harley again soon. He knows way more about this stuff than i do.<P>cleo

I myself have become immune to friendly interaction, as far as placing emphasis on it, because periodically ever since this began, I got the "I might be back" line, or the "what would we do with my house" line, or the "you are such an amazing person" line (in a note she wrote in October).<P>So perhaps I'm a biased judge. Sometimes when I answer the phone, and it is her, I wonder who put friendly gas in her Cheerios, other times, the alien is there.<P>So I don't know, this is hard to make sense of. You've got to think that at some point, the fog has to start to wear off, and reality has to start to shine. But when? Anybody's guess.<P>I know one thing....regardless of what the Plan B decision is, if I had my choice, I'd rather enter it after some friendly interaction than after some typical WS alien being interaction....I think. Just seems a better way to close off Plan A.

Hi Worthatry,<P>Just a thought...is your wife claimed in the divorce between OM and his wife? <P>I am not sure what is going on in her head but can you live like this. If I was a betting person my guess is it has to do with the new Au Pair. Maybe give it a bit more time and see what happens.

Talk to Steve. Remember that in SAA, Dr. Harley states that Plan A is rarely effective as THE thing that brings the WS back, but a good one is essential to ensuring that Plan B will do it.<P>You are having the same exact doubts that I had. And I never did really go to Plan B. He moved away in the beginning of April and I haven't spoken to him since. For me, I don't think Plan B would have made any difference - and it may have made things worse. However, consider that my husband moved over 1000 miles away with the slug after Plan A with no Plan B...<P>If you look at Plan B as a way to manipulate her into returning, you are bound for failure - trust me. Plan B, I think, must be approached as a way for you to protect your love for her and for you to protect her from LB's you may not be capable of limiting anymore.<P>But talk to Steve - he's the expert. <BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Thanks all for the responses. I'm glad I got a range of opinions - it helps me to keep from jumping to conclusions. One point of clarification - my wife has been more steady in her attitude than other WSs. There has been virtually no waffling since before Christmas. I've gotten a steady diet of downtrending hope for months. She has not suggested anything but divorce and has refused my one offer of counseling (in early April) since she talked to Steve once in early December. So, this recent softening is in stark contrast to the norm.<P>Nothing much more happened yesterday. <Son> got out of school early after morning exams and W picked him up (she was off work). She called from her car after picking him up and asked what <au pair> was doing. She asked if it was OK with me if she offered to <au pair> to go to a sporting goods store with her and <son>. They did this and then they all went to a movie. I'm now placing more of the explanation on the au pair factor.<P>cleo - Why is OM so hostile to me? BSOM!! (Beats the Sh*t Outta Me) I suspect he knows how much smarter I am than him (his VCR flashes 12:00), how much better I've handled myself throughout, and how close he is to being the real loser in this whole thing. He's burned his bridges big time.<P>RWD - she's been on anti-deps since after our younger son died in Aug. 1999. If anything, she may be coming off the meds.<P>Pahakissa1 - Is my wife claimed in the divorce? You bet. OM filed on the basis of mental abuse, I think and OM's W counter-filed for adultery. OM's W was successful in getting a legally binding agreement with OM that he can't have other women around their younger daughter until after he remarries. This, of course, was aimed at one particular woman.<P>Thanks again for the views and ideas. This has shown me that I can get excited when there is a glimmer of hope. I'll discuss all of this with Steve before changing anything.<P>Dave