Well, I just passed my ”first real test” at not opening the door when he was ”knocking”. I really hate this!!!! - I so wanted to let him in! I actually locked myself in the bathroom so I couldn’t hear the door bell - so idiotic. But he went away, probably thinking I was not home. Right now I just want to call him and forget everything that I have worked so hard for. Just to heck with it - just give me one more time with him. Silly I know and of course I will not call him. But I’m struggling with my feelings - right or wrong the feelings are there!<P>What puzzles me is how does a marriage like theirs work. Doesn’t his W feel that something is not right or is he such a good liar that he gets away with this?. I know many will disagree but he is not a bad person, he is a former ”drug-addict” and perhaps some patterns never leave you even though you are clean.<P>It’s a sunny summersday outside and I feel like jumping of a bridge ”sad smile” - I will not ”jump anywhere” but just allow me to feel utterly sorry for myself just for today - I’ll get a grip on myself tomorrow! - Everyone is entitled to some major whining once and again - or???<P>Thanks for listening to me whine to whomever got through this post <BR>

HumbleFish:<P>Good for you, you're doing the right thing. It's not idiotic that you locked yourself in the bathroom, if that's what it takes. <P>I'm the BW and I think I'm finally waking up. I've been being the sympathetic W. For 11 months, thinking WH was the poor thing just in the FOG, doesn't know what he's doing. When do WH start taking responsibility for what they are doing? When are WH to be held accountable for all the hurt they have caused, not only for the BW but (in your case) the OW. <P>I maybe on the other side, but I have the same thoughts. I want to call H, but I've refrained from doing so. H is still with OW. This OW is not like you, but arrogant, thinks she owns him. She is vicious and definitely wants me out of the picture. <P>Don't lose yourself, like I did. Keep strong you deserve more. I thought my H was a good person also. I'm beginning to find out otherwise. It's the horrible person he has turned or maybe he was and I just didn't see it (love is blind). I have to look at the facts of what H has done, his selfish, self-centered actions. His total disregard for me as well as others he has devastated by his conduct, both families and his children. I'm sure my WH has told the OW negative things about me. What he doesn't tell is that he never once sat down and talked to me about any concerns, needs or problems on a personal level. I would have no doubt worked out these issues as I am a giving person (to giving). But, he choose to keep this all to himself and run, instead of confronting the issues.<BR>I feel these WH have deep issues inside, they don't face or deal with. In my WH case he will continue to carry these issues with him into his other relationships. <P>I never thought my H was a "bad person", but he has done terrible things I never thought he would do. I have to face the facts and get real. It's not easy, as I'm sure you feel the same way. We like to remember the good feelings and good times. But, we also have to look at the truth and do what is right. <P>It's hard to put all the feelings and emotions aside and look at the situation realistically. I know this is what I have to do and I'm trying. <P>Be strong and stick to your gut instincts of what is right. I give you a lot of credit. The OW in my WH's life would like to stomp me out, no conscience, no integrity (nothing). <P>Hang in there and take care. <BR>

Oh, how I wish I could help you directly!<P>You are so much like my H's xOW. She made it clear that the A was over. I've spoken with her many times, she cried with and apologized to me for all the hurt she caused. She met with H and told him she was "done." H didn't accept that very well and still wanted her. Now, everytime H leaves to see her, I call her and warn her that he's coming so she can leave or hide. She calls back to warn me she's kicked him back.<P>I wish I could do the same for you, but, obviously, I can't.<P>All I can do, as the others here, is to be supportive of you and keep pushing you to be strong (we know how difficult it is).<P>I think you need to spend more time focusing on his "bad" attributes. He has SOOOOOOO many! Start right now to word associate him with evil. Picture his face, think "evil". Hear his name, think "evil".<P>The xOW did this well. She even went so far as to ask me why I'd take him back or even want him based on his behavior and lack of consideration for me and our kids.<P>There are many people here who are very hard on you, very blunt, direct, and almost harsh in their suggestions. They all know what it's going to take to get you through this. Listen to all of us... we're all on the same team.<P>Go take a shower, smile... "you done good" here so far. Yeah, you've made some mistakes, but all of us have in finding our way through this. Your mistake was to leave the door open a crack. You know this. You also know how to slam that door for good. Slam it as hard as you can, and change the lock (get on with your life). <P>I think of you often during the day. I will try to check in often this weekend to see how you're doing. Hopefully as of Monday, MM will be too busy to bother you for a while.<P>Hugs for strength from,<P>The Hat.

You did very well. And yes you are right. Some days we just have to feel sorry for ourselves and wallow in it. It's part of the healing process.<P>I too wish I could do something directly to help you or at least to comfort you. But all I can do is to give you a virtual {{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}.<P>Keep posting here, vent here.<P>Z<BR>

Humblefish,<P>I am sure that was very very difficult to do and I am glad that you did it. Its nice to see that there are OW out there that really do want to do the right thing.<P>About the BS, I thought that things were good for a long time. I think it was because he was getting his need filled elsewhere and he was happy. We didn't argue etc...<BR>Then he started to withdraw and I picked up on subtle things here and there. When I saw them together (they worked together) one night at a big function, my warning bells went off and the rest is history. I did not ignore it and live in la la land but instead I decided to make his homelife as pleasant as possible and try to do the things that I had obviously missed out on doing. I did this in the hope of him recommitting to the marriage. He did and it has been a hard road back but well worth the trip.<P>cleo

Good for you! And, no it's not idiodic. Did I tell you about seeing MM the other day and practically running over my friend with my vehicle just to get away? I felt like a fool then too, but it was worth my sanity and she understood (I apologized later).<P>I've also wondered the same thing. How did his marriage funtion. His W stuck to him and refused to believe him capable of doing anything wrong even after he went away an entire week w/me once - and he always denied that what we did was wrong. ????<P>Week six. I've stopped pulling my hair, even though I still crave him. I've decided a good comparison is - it's like a drug addiction. If you can just make it through the withdrawals, you'll be okay and then one day you'll be able to look at him and decided that you don't need him and you don't miss him. I'm still praying that I make it to that point.<P>{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Humblefish, I commend you, I really do. That took guts. You did the RIGHT thing, feel good about it!!<P>I just wish the OW in my case would take some advice from you!! Hey, you could start a business! People on this site would pay good money to have you talk to their OW... Hmmm.. <P>Seriously though. Good work. I am proud of you. Keep it up (remember he is evil!!!) <<hugs>><BR>

My biggest fear Humble is that if this thing doesn't work our with my W and that i go back to OW she will turn me away. I am still so in love with her. Its been four months since i had contact. If you really love somebody and you know that they love you back but you can't be with them, how will the love ever die? And if the love doesn't die how do i make things work with W, it can never be like before or better always half filled. My OW did the same as you did, I couldn't take the rejection after one time and just stopped.<BR>I only wished she knows how much i love her.<BR>