Trying to discern when to Plan B???? I am starting to get angry alot....I do think I have lost my desire to work on our marriage. Every day I wish H would move out but yet I am still showing him respect and encouragement. We do not see each other much to fill any of his needs except keep his home clean, fix meals which we rarely eat together and chit chat. He claims that he is very embarassed about what he has done so he doesn't like to come home. Either he is with OW or with his drinking buddies. I fear losing respect for him and showing it. How do you know when you do not want to work on things anymore?????<P>By the way he is the perfect gentlemen and shows kindness and talks to me about his day whenever he is here like nothing is wrong. This is what he has done for 32 yrs even though his drinking episodes have caused me great distress. He acts like we don't have this luming problem that is gonna change our entire lives. The only time we talk and address this mess is when he comes home @ 2 a.m. and I am so ready to explode then he says he will read HNHN and call the counselor. <P>I have read over Plan A and Plan B till I am blue in the face. I have been told by some that Plan A is useless with an alcoholic and also Harley's column also says it is impossible to Plan A an alcoholic. My WS is still seeing OW and it is somewhat getting a little blantant. A friend has seen him out with OW. He is trapped in this addiction and he has been trapped in alcohol addiction for many years. Problem is he "is not as bad as the other guy" so he never sees that he has a problem. Results= never works or addresses problems.<P>What happens when H being with OW is blantant? Why is he not hiding it anymore? Can anybody clue me in?<P>I appreciate this support site so much. It is so great to come home (WHICH IS THE LONELIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD FOR ME RIGHT NOW) and know that I have "friends" who understand. You are all so appreciated!!!!!!

Could you give us some more info? How long have you been Plan A'ing. Does your H recognize that he has a drinking problem?

D-Day was 4/21. Two weeks after discovery, my H said he decided to work on our marriage. He never has done one thing yet to work on anything concerning us. He just plans as many encounters with OW. <P>He does not admit to having a drinking problem and will NEVER get any help of any kind. He is firm on not talking to anyone about his problems. We had a major discussion last night and in discussing how we could separate financially, I asked him if he could just coexist in our home and he do his thing with OW and I do my thing and maybe have a boyfriend or two (I was just curious). He said he could do that. I told him I can't. That really scares me. I do not think he will ever decide to leave and I am empty. Can't work on us anymore cause all our married life has been full of his rejecting me for everything else that he could find. The drinking has caused many covert problems. He is a paragplegic from a drinking/driving accident (which he denies--says he fell asleep) and yes, he is having an affair with a 26 yrs old girl. This is all so bizarre and I feel like all our problems are like grabbing jello cause of the denial. He can't escape addictions so what hope is there for us.

Is anyone out there----I am sinking. I decided to not snoop or try to catch WS cause I want to use my energies for living....but information is coming at me at record speeds. Yesterday after learning of a friend seeing H and OW together at a diner, I found a message on our voice mail that at 1:20 pm coworkers were looking for my H who was not at work yesterday. What do you do when info comes to you that your H is with OW? I am so puzzled and hurt that I confront....each and every time this happens, H will say he is gonna make a decision, call the counselor, read MB material and he actually sounds like he is gonna make some attempt. I feel like he throwing me a bone to give me hope then gives absolutely no thought to working on anything. He does admit he does not know what to do????? all the time.<BR>Where is the line of no return? I think he could live here and see OW very easily and again that scares me. <P>What do you do with the feelings of entrapment seeing no end in sight? the feelings of being used and being a 1st class fool???? Where is the line of tolerating vs working on things???? I feel like I will never get out of this mess...I cannot sleep again and I hear my H in the other room so contentingly snoring away....I see his pain and struggle at times briefly but he so easily can seem to be very oblivious to what is really going on.

Tossed Wave,<P>(VERY descriptive user name)<P>I know this is hard. Plan A is harder than anything at the stage you are at, but I am out here telling you to hang in there and let you know that you can do this! THIS is the part that is the hardest but where you will earn the biggest respect and strength for yourself. THIS is when it is more about YOU at this point than him. THIS is when you find out how to initiate boundaries within yourself, when you learn how to control your behaviors. THIS is when the proof is in the pudding. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO go to plan B. <P>It may feel like you are not making any progress, but you are! You are, because you are etching your goal in stone. You are not riding the wave, you are carving out YOUR destination. <P>As affairs come out in the open, and the secrecy is gone - they begin to lose their hold. I'm sure having alcoholism in the equation is more difficult - your husband has had a way to medicate himself through life. Your husband is a HUGE CONFLICT AVOIDER. That is okay, even though super difficult. He does not have the skills to deal with any issues - or he wouldn't be the emotional escape artist that he is.<P>You, on the other hand - are the strong one. YOU will come out of this KNOWING who you are, and knowing that you can make a goal and a plan to achieve what you want to achieve. You will learn how to meet your own emotional needs. You will learn how to be the driver and not in the back seat.<P>Hang in there! D-Day of April 21st is still pretty fresh, a good plan A should be at least 6 months long. Lovebusters start the clock all over, so... have you tried duct tape or antidepressants? You can do this!<BR>TnT

tossedwave,<P>Have you visited an Alanon meeting? Are you getting any support?<P>Have you learned everything possible about alcoholism yet? It's a disease which is described as causing insanity, because alcoholics CANNOT love other people. The addiction places themselves first - and his affair is just a reflection of the disease. Plan A/Plan B really won't work. You have to ask yourself if you can be happy living with someone who cannot love you. Try visiting an Al-Anon meeting and get more support for *you*.

Married2alcholic--are you still living with the alcoholic? Is he or she a WS, too? <P>So all this site has to offer is useless for me? I should only concentrate on Alanon?<P>I must say I am very confused cause I am hearing everyone say something different. I know we have to find out what belongs to us and throw the rest away. I feel I have more to deal with than is possible. I am looking for answers. I have gone to Alanon and I must say it is a struggle for me to commit to it. Not sure what the wall is. I did try to learn how to detach but I think that is why H went for the OW....I shut down emotionally toward him.<BR>