I just found this site and its over-whelming amount of info. I have been married to my wife for 7 years and have no kids. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. When I first married my present W, she gave every indication that she was going to be a great step mom to my kids. After a few years though she refused to see them, my Ex W was giving some problems but nothing that I thought gave my present wife the right to basically abandon my kids. I cannot see my kids without causing a major uproar with my present W. I am VERY resentful of my wife for her actions towards my kids. This has worn on me for 3-4 years now. I have over that time, grown more and more resentful, feeling she is cheating me out of a somewhat normal relationship with my kids. I have fallen out of love with my W. We are basically roomates that have an occasional sexual encounter. I'm almost to the point of hating her for how she's handled the situation with my kids.<P>Now.....I met this woman at work about an year ago and I am head over heels in love with her. We have never had any phisical contact whatsoever, but we have a strong emotional bond. We can talk to each other about anything. She is married also. She is in a very similar situation as me, her marriage is not doing well at all, for a myriad of reasons. <P>I have no idea what's going to happen. I've told this OW how I feel about her, she says she doesn't feel that way about me, and she would never have any type of relationship no matter what her husband does, but that I am a very, very good friend to her. I'm not out to hurt anyone. I know that despite how my wife deals with my kids, I believe she does love me. I don't want to hurt her, but I am really unhappy and want to get back to having a normal relationship with my kids. I'm very close to asking her for a divorce. Not so I can go running into the arms of this OW, but I know I can get back with my kids if I am single again. <P>Sorry for such a long post, its my first and I just don't know what to do.

Hi N,<P>Welcome to marriage builders. There are many tools here to use to help you. I would like to recommend you click on the concepts tool under the marriage builders logo at the top of your screen. Search out info on emotional needs. There is even an emotional needs questionnaire which both you and your wife can utilize. It may be very revealing. <P>Also you may benefit from the phone counseling sessions offered by Steve or Jennifer Harley. You mentioned that your wife loves you. Love is an action word. If you love your children and she loves you that should equate to her wanting to show 'some' love to your children. I was in a similar situation many years ago. I met a man who had 2 boys that he adopted. While we were seeing each other (EA) he spoke highly of his 'sons' though not his by birth, he felt the need to continue to care for them after he was separated and divorced from his wife. Because I cared so much for him, I too wanted to be there for him and his boys. <P>See that is what love really does. So check out the info. Let us know how you are doing. Later I will post the welcome thread which shows other resources of info. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

My H left me for an OW who initially pretended to welcome our 4 youngest kids, but who quickly limited his time with them. He has told me that he will do whatever is necessary to avoid "disrupting the atmosphere" in her house - and that apparently includes seeing his kids only about 12 hours a month. <P>I would hope that he is becoming resentful of her actions. Perhaps you can answer the question that has been bothering me all along - why doesn't he (or you) just tell her that you are going to see your kids whenever you wish whether she likes it or not? Isn't it your house too? What can she do about it - you said that it would cause a major uproar, but so what? Why is it so important to avoid conflict with your wife, when this is something so important?

naclh2o,<P>You are dangerously close to having an affair. It sounds like you would already be in one if the woman of your current affection were interested. Actually it sounds like you might be in an emotional affair (EM) already but you did not give enough information here to make that assessment.<P>Why did your first marriage fall apart? Did you leave your first wife for your current wife? Is history trying to repeat itself here?<P>IMHO, your children predated your current wife. They should come before her in importance to you. Why on earth would you have put up with your wife cutting them out of your life? Very often, people, (men and women) play this game. They play up the children until they get married, then they slowly weed the children out of their lives. She knew that you had children before she married you. What she has done is cruel. What were the circumstances that made her not want your children around. Did you leave her to do the parenting of your children when they were at our house? <P>Sorry for all the questions but it’s hard to know what to say without a full picture. <P>If you are wanting to work on your marriage, I suggest that you read all of the material on this website. Then buy read the books “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Lovebusters” by Dr. Harley. These books will give you the road map to putting your marriage back on track.<P>As is the case in all marriages where things are not going well, you and our wife are not meeting each other’s most important emotional needs (ENs). Until the both of you identify your Ens and start meeting them for each other, your marriage is going to continue to deteriorate. If you divorce her and get into another relationship without learning some relationship skills, that relationship will eventually deteriorate to the same point. You know that marriage is a lot of work. But do you know the work that you are supposed to be doing to keep your marriage vibrant, to maintain the romantic love you and your wife once felt for each other? This website is about couples learning how to do that. <P>Many of us on this web site are recovering from affairs that have caused terrible hurt. It you can avoid this path at any cost please do. You deserve better then putting yourself through the emotional pain and anguish. Your wife deserves more too. All marriages have their ups and downs. These are no excuse for having an affair. The honorable thing to do is to work on your marriage, do all you can do to repair it. Then, if after you have done all you can, in a year or so, then and only then a divorce might be your only option. <P>From what you have said here your wife is not meeting your emotional need for “family commitment”. That is one of your greatest needs at this time. You must be honest and tell her this. She has to now that her stance is driving you away. If you do not let her know then you cannot hole it against her. Please read the material because it will explain all of this so much better then I can.<P>Another thought is, are really willing to participate in an affair that will ruin another family? Are you really that selfish a man? Your love or attraction for this OW is a fantasy that can only end in tragedy for you, your wife, her, her husband and worst of all her children. If you truly care for her, stop all contact with her immediately. Don’t help ruin her family.<P>IMHO<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Saltwater? ;><P>You're here now, an excellent place to start. Many, many people wish that their WS had done as you have and started to look for help BEFORE the affair began. The physical part anyway, you've already started an emotional affair with this woman. This link is a column written by Harley on how affairs begin.... you will find your situation here almost to the letter, do yourself a favor and read it:<BR> <A HREF="http://marriage.about.com/people/marriage/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.parenthoodweb.com%2Fparent_cfmfiles%2Fpros.cfm%2F581" TARGET=_blank>http://marriage.about.com/people/marriage/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.parenthoodweb.com%2Fparent_cfmfiles%2Fpros.cfm%2F581</A> <P>Read and re-read zorweb's post. The path you are on is filled with terrible pain for everyone involved. Open the lines of communication with your wife and do it now. Distance yourself from this other woman. Post here for support, everyone here has been there and done that to some extent.<P>Put the brakes on this before it goes too far! If you do, you won't regret it, you'll only grow closer to your wife and save everyone from the emotional devastation that an affair brings. All the best to you...

Thanks everyone for the replies, sorry it took me so long to get back.<P>Nellie, In my case, I was trying to do everything to please my wife and it seemed like every phone call with the kids, every pick up and dropoff, started a fight. Of course my ex was very un-cooperative also. It lead to me not seeing the kids for several months to keep the peace. Then it seemed like I went into a serious depression, and ended up in the hospital for a week when I tried to end it all. It was a terrible time for me. I didn't know how to get back. I've made some changes in my life and now have the confidence and ability to re-start a relationship with my kids. I'm going to do this with or without my wife's help. I don't know what's going to happen, but I am going to see my kids!! <P>I agree with Orchid's point about love being an action word, where if my wife really loved me she would support my seeing the kids. I don't know if she can, I really have my doubts. We've been talking about it, and the talks we've had in the last few days just remind me of the same talks/fights we had when we saw the kids regularly. I just don't know if its worth salvaging this marriage or not. I don't think she will ever accept my kids, and I don't see the point of going on for another 5-10 years fighting and stressing about it all the time only to get a divorce at the end of that. Why not just deal with the pain now and end it? I'm confused, resentful.........<P>Zorweb.......I married my wife 6 months after the divorce of my ex. I was not having any kind of affair with her before my ex and I divorced. My ex had 2 affairs that I knew of, and I couldn't deal with it. I was left to all the household duties, taking care of the kids, almost everything, while she was always out romping around. <P>Have to chuckle inside when you asked if I left the parenting to my present wife when I had the kids visiting. In a word, no.<P>Your last paragraph really hit home though, woke me up. No, I'm not that selfish, or at least don't want to be. I really do care about this OW and want to see her happy. I guess my thinking is that I was making her happy by listening to her problems, and helping her in the small ways that I was. And when I really think about it, I don't really see what's wrong with that. The problem is, after reading some of the links posted on affairs, was my telling her how I felt. I guess at the time I didn't realize what kind of fuse that could light. Or maybe I did realize. I'm trying to be honest, and your right, if she would have been more agreeable to it, we probably would be having a physical affair. Anyay, I'm taking the advice and backing off from her. I don't want to cause her any pain, and I know by reading and reading posts in here, that it couldn't possibly end well, or as zorweb said, a fantasy.<P>And Redon, you're right on with the saltwater!!<P>