I found out last night he told the farmer he works Part-time for the WHOLE story about the OW. He is a good friend of ours. Our neighbors who are close friends know now too. My H said no one at his work knows about it. Well, I think now everyone will find out. Now this will give him another reason to just be with the OW because he doesn't have to hide it anymore because everyone knows. And like I said the atmosphere at the Police Station is that affairs and divorce are okay. The farmer my H helps out is best friends with the OW's husband (which they are separated and have filed) The farmer told my H that he needs to give up the OW and try to work on his marriage. My H said he didn't think he could try and didn't seem willing. The farmer said he thought I was a nice girl. My H said that you don't have to live with her. He makes me sound like I am the most terrible person. I do admit I can be demanding and I get angry sometimes. My H said he calls me all the time because he doesn't want to catch heck. I never thought this was why he called me. We have always been VERY close telling each other what we were doing or at. Mainly because of his work schedule and mine plus we have twin girls that we also have to plan our lives around. Yes sometimes I know my husband doesn't like how I react to things that happen. Especially if something goes wrong my H will sometimes lie because he doesn't want to see my reaction. I admit this is something I need to work on. But it's not like I do it every single day. I know I have disrespected his family too. He has some very annoying habits too. The farmer told my H somethings about the OW because he knows what her H told him and put him through. My H said until you find me hard evidence I am believing OW because she looked me in the eye and told me she was telling the trueth. I'm sick why can't he just quite defending her. I hear the same things about the OW. She is a very flirtations woman & she likes to strut her stuff and I don't want my H to get hurt. Someone actually told me NOT confront her. She is a type that could be dangerous. She conquering with men and has to win. She told my H that her H come over the other day and asked her back. Maybe this was true but my gut feeling tells me that she said that to make my H try to hold onto her more. You know my H was raised up in a Christian manner. His parents say they don't even know who he is. They are terribly hurt. And my H said he doesn't care what people say or think and he doesn't care who gets hurt (me,family, or girls) or how financially ruined we would all be and lose because its all worth it for his self happiness. At least he would have that. My H said he's been lying to himself all these years and has been faking his happiness with me too that long. He thinks our marriage is done. And he may move out the first of July 2001 rent a house with a single male Police Officer he works with. I am stuck with all the work. We live on an acreage we have 4 acres to mow. We have horses, chickens, dogs and cats. There's a lot of work to do for one person. I work full-time first shift. We also have twin girls who just turned five. They will start kindergarden this fall. They don't need to lose their daddy along with the stress of starting school. They are VERY close to their daddy. They need both parents together to raise them, they are a HANDFULL I tell you. They look up to their daddy and need him there everyday. My H says if he moves out he will still come in the mornings when he gets off work at 7:00am and help get the girls ready and do the chores. He said he would have more time to spend with them anyway if we separate and/or divorce. It's not fair he will be having all the fun of single life and I have all the work and pain answering our girls questions and cries as to where daddy is and why. I can't do it. Plus if we do divorce like he wants we would have to sell everything we have, our home, vehicles and everything else we have worked so hard for. This too will kill our girls they love their home and all that it offers. Everyone has always said how lucky our girls were to live in the country and be able to enjoy it. They feel kids now days find other ways to entertain themselves which lead to bad outcomes. Our girls have a pony and I want them to do 4-H and have something to do in their spare time they enjoy. <P>My H & I went over the LB questionaire last night. We actually had a good time and understood a lot about what each other needs and/or dislikes. But that was probably just a front too.<P>We have a lot in common. We both love to hunt, fish, target shoot. Last night we had a good conversation about target shooting. We enjoyed each other company.<P>We were supposed to go to an Air Show with the farmer and our neighbors this weekend but my H told the farmer he would love to go but wouldn't be happy with me being there with him.<P>How many times can I get stabbed in the heart? I talked to Dr. Harley once by myself my H by himself. Then we talked once together. Now we are to the point of discussing our questionaires with each other. Which we did one last night. My H is not himself. He smoking more and drinking more right now. He also asks me weird questions. Like when he's standing in front of the mirror he asks if he looks good, if he has a nice butt or if his "you know what" is big enough. He tries to get a nice tan and he's on a strict diet to lose weight. Maybe I should just tell him, if you want a divorce FINE, you have everything, the house, all the house work, pay the bills, wash the laudry, have the girls and find someone to watch the girls when you work third shift. I'll go out and have my fun single life. Because I don't want to answer or see my girls hurt you can do that. <P>He said he's just using his common sense to get out of the marriage. When I hear song we like together or when I hear police sirens I about cry because I think of him and how proud I am of him. We have worked very hard to get where we are today. We have everything, good jobs, nice family, beautiful twin girls, nice home and a good retirement. But none of it means anything to him. We have been through a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get where we are. I know our marriage will never be the same, I want to make it better. I will do or change anything I possibly could for him.<P>Do you even think Dr. Harley can even help him? <P>I feel helpless,<BR>LOVEMESS<P>

I forgot to add that the farmer said my H had been wanted to go to counselling for years but I refused. This is not the trueth at. I remember when we first got married I thought nothing would break us. I made the comment back then that I thought when people needed marriage counselling it was not necessary that a couple should work it out on their own. I thought counselling was for weak people. But about 4 months ago my best friend went through a divorce and I saw in our church bulleton about marriage counselling to strengthen marriage. I told my H that I didn't want to ever to through something like my friend did and that I called this Lutheran counselling service but they had to put me on a waiting list. They never have called yet even after I left messages. Then this came up with these women and I called a counselor in the yellow pages. Which I didn't like nor my H so I got ahold of Dr. Harley to coach us. We have had one time alone each with him and once together. My H said he made him understand a lot of things, but he has a lot of things he has to figure out on his own and that was all he wanted to tell me for now. And still says she (OW) is best counselor. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LoveMess:<BR><B>I found out last night he told the farmer he works Part-time for the WHOLE story about the OW. He is a good friend of ours. Our neighbors who are close friends know now too. My H said no one at his work knows about it. Well, I think now everyone will find out. Now this will give him another reason to just be with the OW because he doesn't have to hide it anymore because everyone knows. And like I said the atmosphere at the Police Station is that affairs and divorce are okay. The farmer my H helps out is best friends with the OW's husband (which they are separated and have filed) The farmer told my H that he needs to give up the OW and try to work on his marriage. My H said he didn't think he could try and didn't seem willing. The farmer said he thought I was a nice girl. My H said that you don't have to live with her. He makes me sound like I am the most terrible person. I do admit I can be demanding and I get angry sometimes. My H said he calls me all the time because he doesn't want to catch heck. I never thought this was why he called me. We have always been VERY close telling each other what we were doing or at. Mainly because of his work schedule and mine plus we have twin girls that we also have to plan our lives around. Yes sometimes I know my husband doesn't like how I react to things that happen. Especially if something goes wrong my H will sometimes lie because he doesn't want to see my reaction. I admit this is something I need to work on. But it's not like I do it every single day. I know I have disrespected his family too. He has some very annoying habits too. The farmer told my H somethings about the OW because he knows what her H told him and put him through. My H said until you find me hard evidence I am believing OW because she looked me in the eye and told me she was telling the trueth. I'm sick why can't he just quite defending her. I hear the same things about the OW. She is a very flirtations woman & she likes to strut her stuff and I don't want my H to get hurt. Someone actually told me NOT confront her. She is a type that could be dangerous. She conquering with men and has to win. She told my H that her H come over the other day and asked her back. Maybe this was true but my gut feeling tells me that she said that to make my H try to hold onto her more. You know my H was raised up in a Christian manner. His parents say they don't even know who he is. They are terribly hurt. And my H said he doesn't care what people say or think and he doesn't care who gets hurt (me,family, or girls) or how financially ruined we would all be and lose because its all worth it for his self happiness. At least he would have that. My H said he's been lying to himself all these years and has been faking his happiness with me too that long. He thinks our marriage is done. And he may move out the first of July 2001 rent a house with a single male Police Officer he works with. I am stuck with all the work. We live on an acreage we have 4 acres to mow. We have horses, chickens, dogs and cats. There's a lot of work to do for one person. I work full-time first shift. We also have twin girls who just turned five. They will start kindergarden this fall. They don't need to lose their daddy along with the stress of starting school. They are VERY close to their daddy. They need both parents together to raise them, they are a HANDFULL I tell you. They look up to their daddy and need him there everyday. My H says if he moves out he will still come in the mornings when he gets off work at 7:00am and help get the girls ready and do the chores. He said he would have more time to spend with them anyway if we separate and/or divorce. It's not fair he will be having all the fun of single life and I have all the work and pain answering our girls questions and cries as to where daddy is and why. I can't do it. Plus if we do divorce like he wants we would have to sell everything we have, our home, vehicles and everything else we have worked so hard for. This too will kill our girls they love their home and all that it offers. Everyone has always said how lucky our girls were to live in the country and be able to enjoy it. They feel kids now days find other ways to entertain themselves which lead to bad outcomes. Our girls have a pony and I want them to do 4-H and have something to do in their spare time they enjoy. <P>My H & I went over the LB questionaire last night. We actually had a good time and understood a lot about what each other needs and/or dislikes. But that was probably just a front too.<P>We have a lot in common. We both love to hunt, fish, target shoot. Last night we had a good conversation about target shooting. We enjoyed each other company.<P>We were supposed to go to an Air Show with the farmer and our neighbors this weekend but my H told the farmer he would love to go but wouldn't be happy with me being there with him.<P>How many times can I get stabbed in the heart? I talked to Dr. Harley once by myself my H by himself. Then we talked once together. Now we are to the point of discussing our questionaires with each other. Which we did one last night. My H is not himself. He smoking more and drinking more right now. He also asks me weird questions. Like when he's standing in front of the mirror he asks if he looks good, if he has a nice butt or if his "you know what" is big enough. He tries to get a nice tan and he's on a strict diet to lose weight. Maybe I should just tell him, if you want a divorce FINE, you have everything, the house, all the house work, pay the bills, wash the laudry, have the girls and find someone to watch the girls when you work third shift. I'll go out and have my fun single life. Because I don't want to answer or see my girls hurt you can do that. <P>He said he's just using his common sense to get out of the marriage. When I hear song we like together or when I hear police sirens I about cry because I think of him and how proud I am of him. We have worked very hard to get where we are today. We have everything, good jobs, nice family, beautiful twin girls, nice home and a good retirement. But none of it means anything to him. We have been through a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get where we are. I know our marriage will never be the same, I want to make it better. I will do or change anything I possibly could for him.<P>Do you even think Dr. Harley can even help him? <P>I feel helpless,<BR>LOVEMESS<P> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Bit busy tonight bumping so someone else can take a look. Hang in there... Read, Read, Read.. Post.. and look around on the site. Stay strong, work on your plan A.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 22, 2001).]

<B><BR>I found out last night he told the farmer he works Part-time for the WHOLE story about the OW<BR></B><P>It's good he's atleast talking with people. He's getting some support. Hopefully this friend of both of yours will help him see what he's doing isn't the right thing. If not, hopefully he'll lend an ear, so your husband has someone to talk with.<P><B><BR>Now this will give him another reason to just be with the OW because he doesn't have to hide it anymore because everyone knows.<BR></B><P>Doubt that very much. It's generally frowned upon, and he's going to hide it still...<P><B><BR>And like I said the atmosphere at the Police Station is that affairs and divorce are okay.<BR></B><P>Frankly thats just sad... Enough said on that.<P><B><BR>The farmer my H helps out is best friends with the OW's husband.<BR></B><P>Uh, well not sure whats gonna happen there. Hopefully he talks to the (OWH). Atleast informs him whats going on, and what might have happened in the past. Doubt the (OWH) is going to care much if they've filed at this point. Never know... Hopefully someone does the right thing here.<P><B><BR>The farmer told my H that he needs to give up the OW and try to work on his marriage. My H said he didn't think he could try and didn't seem willing. The farmer said he thought I was a nice girl.<BR></B><P>Excellent, atleast he's giving some decent advice. Perhaps some of it will sink in.<P><B><BR>My H said that you don't have to live with her.<BR></B><P>Ouch, thats typical WS behavior. Focus on every single nasty thing your wifes done in the past thats bothered you, and then multiply that by 10 fold. You're in for a lot more nasty lines i'm sure be prepared to hear a bunch of really nasty things.<P><B><BR>Especially if something goes wrong my H will sometimes lie because he doesn't want to see my reaction.<BR></B><P>This is actually in his needs her needs. This specific thing is mentioned. I believe its called "The protector liar"<P><B><BR>I admit this is something I need to work on. But it's not like I do it every single day. I know I have disrespected his family too. He has some very annoying habits too.<BR></B><P>Plan A. Work on yourself...<P><B><BR>My H said until you find me hard evidence I am believing OW because she looked me in the eye and told me she was telling the trueth.<BR></B><P>LOL! Now thats one I hadn't heard before. Sorry to laugh. I just had to. He looked her in the eye, and instantly knew she wasn't lying to him. Because affairs are built on trust, not lies and deception right? Because she and he don't have to lie daily to protect the affair right?<P><B><BR>I'm sick why can't he just quite defending her.<BR></B><P>Nature of the affair. Defend the (OW) Lie.<P><B><BR>Someone actually told me NOT confront her. She is a type that could be dangerous. She conquering with men and has to win. She told my H that her H come over the other day and asked her back.<BR></B><P>Confrontation is always a bad idea with the (OW) it may often escalate in to something worse. Be wary of this regardless.<P><B><BR>You know my H was raised up in a Christian manner. His parents say they don't even know who he is. They are terribly hurt. And my H said he doesn't care what people say or think and he doesn't care who gets hurt (me,family, or girls) or how financially ruined we would all be and lose because its all worth it for his self happiness.<BR></B><P>Brutal.. Plain brutal... I don't believe I ever said anything quite that nasty. In fact I kept telling my wife I didn't want to string her along, and I was tried of hurting everyone. Thats just plain harsh Hopefully he'll wake up and wash away the pepper spray blinding him. Doesn't care about your kids? money? family? or you? Ouch.. not cool.<P><B><BR>My H said he's been lying to himself all these years and has been faking his happiness with me too that long.<BR></B><P>I think I tried this one too. Along with "We got married to young","I love you, but not in love with you anymore","ETC"<P><B><BR>They are VERY close to their daddy. They need both parents together to raise them, they are a HANDFULL I tell you. They look up to their daddy and need him there everyday. My H says if he moves out he will still come in the mornings when he gets off work at 7:00am and help get the girls ready and do the chores.<BR></B><P>This from the same guy who doesn't care if his children get hurt?<P><B><BR>Maybe I should just tell him, if you want a divorce FINE, you have everything, the house, all the house work, pay the bills, wash the laudry, have the girls and find someone to watch the girls when you work third shift. I'll go out and have my fun single life. Because I don't want to answer or see my girls hurt you can do that.<BR></B><P>It's marriage builders, thats why your here. Remember that. Change things you have control over. Such as your behaviors, ect. Work on yourself. Do not blame him, do not be confrontational with him. ETC. Work on you. (PLAN A).<BR>If you've gotta vent, or want to explode on him. Do it here or something. But avoid LB'ing at home with him.<P><B><BR>I got ahold of Dr. Harley to coach us. We have had one time alone each with him and once together.<BR></B><P>Excellent move. Harley's are great. I personally put a lot of "Belief / Credibility" in thier system. It's working wonders on my own marriage.<P>PLAN A! <P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie