Well, call from OW threatened me with harrassment law suit and restraining order.<P>So, I told her three phonecalls do not harrassment make and besides I would welcome a restraining order, I don't want to be around her anyway...and all phones, including H's cell are in my name...so she wouldn't be able to call him on it.<P>I also told her I had printed and saved all their emails to each other and they were at a friend's office...I would sue her butt for alienation of affection as the A started right after H bought me a 1 carat diamond and platinum anniversary ring..you know past/present/future....<P>She called on H's cell which was in car and I happened to be going to grocery store so i answered. <P>When I got home I confessed all to H. You know what he said? He said well, I done wrong and have to pay the consequences and now you have done wrong and will have to pay too...<P>A little hollering and screaming. More conversation to the effect that he didn't want to pay for his mistake the rest of his life. I told him he knew me well enough that I wouldn't do that to him. My family, my marriage, him means more to me than his A. I have found the tools to move on and have it BETTER than it was before...if only he would believe and try it. <P>I have even asked him to come here to you guys...I told him how you support and lift people up and would not judge him...but help him.<P>Now he's in thought mode and is not talking much to me.<P>Would I do what I did again? Parts of it....I'm glad she knows he is still intimate with me...<P>I think he's even a little mad at her..."why don't you call her so you can yell at each other?"...even gave me her phone numbers...he said "you're both pieces of work and are tripping..."<P>Thanks for all your words of support, encouragement, even the handslaps...all necessary....<P><BR>HurricaneCali<BR><p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 27, 2001).]

Cali:<P>Thanks for the update. Was concerned about you.<P>As I said, Hurricane Cali and what she wrought had the potential for harm as well as the possibility of some longer-term gain.<P>More than likely a bit of both.<P>Now that it is somewhat out of your system, you can go back to work on what matters to YOU, first; and your marriage, second.<P>Keeping you in thoughts and prayers,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Wow. Your H is a piece of work. He actually said you'd have to pay for your mistakes? What a jerk. Alien moose brain worms for sure.<P>I am sorry you are going through this Cali. Thanks for keeping us up to date.<P>How are YOU feeling right now? Like throwing in the towel, or like putting on some boxing gloves and giving it a run for your money?<P>I still think your relationship has one of the best potentials for success on this board. Keep up plan A as soon as you are able. I know it is tough, but if those gloves are on I know you will give it your all. Plan A is round 1.<P>What is alienation of affection? Can you really sue for that?

HBH:<P>Alienation of affection: xenophobic phrase, 1. To watch a loved one have their brains eaten by alien moose brain worms; 2. To estrange or cause estrangement; 3. Watching a loved one behave like something out of "Night of the Living Dead" due to outside (OP) causes.<P>Think that is how Websters says it ...<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited June 27, 2001).]

<P>I'm in the corner with my dunce cap on right now.

<P>Cali,<P>I have to post something of a dissenting point of view here.<P>First of all a Plan A CAN work in as little as 2 weeks. My plan A lasted about 2 weeks with great success. Why do I think it worked? It worked because while I LB’d as little as was humanly possible (for me), I stood my ground and insisted that I be treated respectfully by my H and his OWs. I contacted all of the OWs and asked them to get out of our lives. I then presented my H with all of the evidence I had and would not accept anything less then the full truth and full respect. And I did not need to LB to do this. I did this in the kindest, most loving and most caring way I would muster. It was not an act, it was how I felt. I love my husband but I will not be mistreated. I know that I was one of the lucky ones. But I also know that it was not only luck. For one thing, I was lucky because there was still great love between us. <P>Cali, your situation is different than mine. Yours is a much more difficult situation. And bless your soul, you have been working you’re a$$ off for your marriage. Have you done everything perfectly? No, I’m sure not, as you are human and in the middle of a terrible situation. I have no idea how you have done this for over two months. You are remarkable. It is very easy for a person who has not been going through this as a BS, in a protracted Plan A, to not understand the stress you are under and the strength it takes to go through what you have gone through. <BR> <BR>BTW you were in plan A when I first posted here two months ago. So it has definitely not been three weeks.<P>So you blew a fuse. Good for you, sometimes we need to do that. I think that you need to look closer at the things you did. The things you did were, in my humble opinion the absolutely correct things to do. Where I see a flaw is in how you did them. Please do not get me wrong… I do not fault you for that. Again, you are human and enough is, after all, enough. Cali, you finally broke out of your unsure state and did something very bold. I like bold. <P>I have thought long and hard about this LB stuff. A person does not LB when they are standing up for their own rights and dignity. They LB when they yell, scream, incriminate, etc. in an attempt to do this.<P>Plan A or not, you must preserve your sense of dignity and respect. What your husband chooses to do outside of your house is one thing. But what he does in your home is another. <P>You should not have to accept the continued humiliation of the OW calling YOUR home and leaving messages on YOUR answering machine. This woman and your husband have humiliated you beyond belief. It is not a love buster to tell your husband in a calm voice. <P>“Honey, at this point in time, you feel that what you do outside of our home is none of my business. Since you are forcing that on me, I accept it for now. However, this is my home and I will be treated with respect in my home. Please do not have the OW call here any more. If she does, I will hang up on her. If she leaves a message, I will delete it. I love you and want you in my life, but not at the cost of being constantly humiliated.”<P>About your call to the OW to tell her that your husband and you are still intimate, goading her to call you and emailing her friend. Well, that one is a bit much, but why not? She is so bold as to call your home and act like you are not there. Someone has to stand up for you and set limits for you. And it looks like right now you are it. Have you ever noticed that a dog is not very likely to bite someone who looks it in the eye with confidence?<P>The yelling and screaming? Sure it’s a LB to yell and scream. But even in Plan A, radical honesty is essential. Your husband needs to hear how you feel.<P>What I see is that you cleared a protective circle around yourself and your home. You put your H on notice that he must respect your boundaries. And that if he does not, you will enforce them. So he has a choice, enforce them himself or let you do it.<P>So for the future? You laid the groundwork with your great hurricane. Now, take the anger and loss of control out of it. But in the sweetest and most sincere way possible keep your boundaries.<P><BR>((((((hug)))))))<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Zorweb, AWESOME advice! Cali, I just found this thread after asking for update on other, so if you haven't responded yet don't worry about it.<P>

Cali,<P>How are you doing today. I like your idea of a thread for your husband. I truely hope he comes here.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I watched my H struggle all evening with his inner demons. He came to the MB site 3 times...but never got past the homepage. He did have me show him how to register. If he ever uses it, his username is EfftUpMyLife.<P><BR>Once kids were in bed and we had watched <I> Pay It Forward </I>, i tried to talk to him. <P>And, just FYI, calls to OW were not vengeful...just matter of fact. Thought you needed to know H was still intimate with me....went to dr. am clean of std's. Though she called him and told him I said 'vile' things. Believe me, I would have loved to call her a few vile things.<P>He is having a real hard time believing our marriage can be different. That I can change and so can he. He got caught up in the 'he broke his vows.' I said, so did I. I did not honor and cherish you....<P>I very quietly explained the basic concepts of MB. I asked him to read HN/HN and LoveBusters. To take questionairres with me....I told him, stolen from [H], it's a mistake to continue a mistake. <P>I talked for an hour. He didn't talk back much. Told me if he stayed he would be miserable. He wouldn't do the work.<P>I ended with <I> I don't want you to be miserable. I don't want you to stay for me or the children. I don't want you to stay out of pity, guilt, or obligation. I know that you can have what you want in this marriage. That you can do the things you want to do without leaving this marriage. Because I want those things for you and now we could have the tools for you to get them. (MB) </I><P>Then I went to bed. He came up very early this am. I was encouraged by this...he still came to bed with me. I did tell him that was a need for me...for him to sleep next to me...so I could feel loved and safe.<P>Thanks again all,<P>Cali