This hasn't been a good weekend...I've been feeling so low and just plain angry so Plan A work has been more difficult. I just started crying while in the car with WH and my 2-year old daughter. H called me some horrible names and threw his wedding band off in the car saying that it doesn't mean anything. I just became angrier. He went to play golf today and didn't wear it. I really don't know what I should do or how should I act when he gets home. Right now, I'm just really very, very down and have realized just how over it is.

Terrified - it's not over.<P>The ring thing is a very popular Soap Opera stunt - heck, I did it myself as a BS early in our conflict.<P>Think of it perhaps as an attempt to communicate, albeit a threat, for sure.<P>I know you know this, but you have to try, try, try not to get needy and emotional. I can't tell you how to do this other to vent here as often as you can - get it out BEFORE it spills out at the wrong time.<P>I know, I know, not much practical advice, just take comfort that we are here and will support you.<P>WAT

Thanks WAT but should I just ignore the fact that he's not wearing it? We have two other social commitments today and I know they'll be ruined for me every time I look at his ring finger. <P>How can you tell it's not over?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B> should I just ignore the fact that he's not wearing it? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, ignore it. Whatever you do, don't remove yours and don't look at his ring finger. You're torturing yourself.<P>Not knowing what your social events are, if a friend asks him about it, he'll have to explain something which will not likely be the truth - demonstrating his indeciciveness. If someone asks YOU about it, consider being prepared with a scripted response - e.g., "You'll have to ask him about it."<P>How do I know it's not over? It's my hunch based on all the stories I've read on this forum. Of course I don't know for sure if it will eventually be over, and I bet he doesn't either. You're still going to these social events together, aren't you? "Over" is a finality. As long as you're still riding in the same car and being together with your child, it ain't over.<P>WAT<P><p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited July 01, 2001).]

sorry, double post<BR><p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited July 01, 2001).]

Hi, just wanted to let you know that my husband also took his ring off. He said that he would never wear it again, then I found out about OW and told him I wanted him out of my life. He put the ring back on, agreed to counseling, attending church with us, no contact. It hasn't been easy, as a matter of fact I first posted here last Friday and thought I was at the end but things have gotten better again. I just have to hold on through all of the ups and downs. Take care.

Terrified, I don't recall exactly at this point the particulars of your circumstances, but as the ws can comment on possibly why you H acted that way. It seems to be a sort of dark side of human psychology that to one degree of another we (all of us) are repulsed in some measure when someone acts needy and weak (well unless they are actually injured or something, then compassion is triggered too). But when it seems to be from inability/unwillingness to cope we are not allways very understanding, and in fact have a whole litany of replies, get a backbone, get over it, and a million other things. I think in part it is defensive, we are fearful we may get needy and can't cope if life is too rough (so reject that behaviour when we see it), and we also recognize that such behaviour can be manipulative too, and be a deceptive appeal to compassion. All this is hyper-sensitized in marital disharmony. Men especially are sensitized (in general) to female emotional manipulation. We all recognize that this is part of gender interactions, and are ok with it, as are women with male aggression and stength. But there is a bunch of unwritten rules revolving around fairplay about how we interact with each other. When those rules are violated, sparks will fly.<P>In marital discord, there are issues needing to be addressed, many issues, often complex, and poorly understood. Hence counselling, self-help books, and psychology in general. When an affair occurs (for whatever reason, right or wrong), it says clearly this relationship is in serious trouble. So folks (after a short acceptable period of yelling, screaming, and crying) sit down (so to speak) and try to figure out how the heck the train wreck occured and what to do about it. This does not always proceed very well, even with the best of counselling and intentions, and goes downhill from there. It is a given that the WS knows you are very hurt and sad, and they themselves are usually pretty messed up too. But whatever the cause of the marital breakdown, ws (and bs too) are extremely sensitive to manipulation. Not only that, but we also get to add guilt to our feelings of being manipulated by the crying/neediness. It is an explosive combination. I am generally a pretty mild person, and I am appalled at some of the things I have said to my W when acts real needy. I know why it triggers me now, but I did not at first, so have gotten better (and apologized often). I suspect the same is true for your H. He most likely does care you are hurting (if he is incapable, then he is a sociopath, and you should divorce him as soon as possible), but he does not have the emotional resources (or desire) to deal with your pain now. He thinks that you should understand that, and not use emotional tactics (how he sees it) on him. As you (bs) continue to do that, escalation occurs as we try to get you to STOP this, hence the ring thingy. We had a pretty lousy sat too, sort of related to your scenario, and I verbally packed my bags a couple times (and I was serious, or at least felt like I was), but I'm still here, and she (w) finally stopped the behaviour (for now), and things cooled down. It is sort of like a nuclear war confrontation. You pull out the missles (tears and such), and we pull out our missles (we is outta here, hate your guts, etc.), and then everyone backs down before the holocaust.......but terrified, this is dangerous, someone might push the button, and all he** breaks loose. That is the reason for plan A, do it like your life depended on it, it does. <P>As for the ring, just put it safely away (so does not get thrown down toilet, or such, in another nuclear crisis), and leave your H be. It does not mean anything is over, just another "communication" that all is not well. But if you (and he) continue this way, he will leave, may come back or not, but the goal is to minimize the nuclear confrontations, so maybe peace can be found instead. Work on yourself, and quit guilting him, it will not ever work. Is that fair...of course not, come here for sympathy, expect nothing from your ws.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited July 01, 2001).]

ah hem.....(cough cough) yes i too flung my wedding ring, and when i flung it..i meant to not to be married. MY RING meant to me a very big signifier that I WAS MARRIED and OWNED (not in a bad way either)<P>my ring now sits in a pawn shop. My husband wouldnt have me wear it after we started into recovery. it was a big reminder of how I destroyed my marriage ( i sometimes feel like the only player in that soap opera)<P>but to him...when i did fling it time and time again, was a stab in his heart....time and time again.<P>what to do about it? i dont know. i still dont wear a ring. I dont have one, and upon asking my H about renewing our vows, i got a husbadn who turned into an ultimate bone head. He isnt ready (ofcourse now reading my newest posts) <P>like i said before..i thot htings were looking up, but, no ring and 3-4 yrs later....who knows what the future holds.<P>But....take his ring, and put it away. save it for a rainy day when he comes around, and you can give it back to him with love and acceptance. <P>good luck,<BR>mercy

T:<P>The ring fling was a fit of picque in the fog. I like mercy's idea: put it away for some future day.<P>And, like WAT, it ain't over 'til it's over.<P>[PS: Mercy, you said it is in a pawn shop. Any chance YOU could recover it and perhaps wear it on a chain? Just a thought]<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited July 01, 2001).]

nope. i had a pair of expensive boots i was wearing the night i went out and reconsiled with OM and those two were recently trashed. I had put them away thinking they would be ok to wear someday, NOT , i wore them the other day and he threw a fit and i put them in the trahs. ALL THings must be gone...does it change the past?? nope.<P>good idea tho... <P>mercy