My H had what he claimed was an EA with my best friend almost 6 years ago. We were separated, it was a horrible ordeal because I cared very much for her and spent a great deal of time with her. We were apart for almost a year. We went to counseling both individually and together. It took me 2 years to rebuild trust. <P>Well, just the other night I found out the truth. It was a PA and they both lied to me for months about it, my H for years. He only told me because he had to for counseling. It's just like going thru the whole thing again.<P>Well, before I had no images to content with of them together except talking which was hard too. Now I know about the sex part and I can't deal with it. My question is....how long before the betrayed spouse feels like being with their spouse again? I can't imagine doing anything with him that he did with her. Makes me physically sick.<BR>Trying very hard to cope, maggierose

maggierose...<BR>it is differnet for everybody...for some, it appears to be quick and like honeymoon sex. For others, I can not trust him with my body as I can not yet trust him with my heart. I also have many other issues...for you, this needs to come at your own speed, your personal rate and as you deal with your own healing and morality issues. I pain for you, I know precisely how you feel...precisely...

Dear Maggierose,<BR>I am so sorry about this discovery. Absolute honesty is so important for healing but unfortunately, like layers of an onion, more and more comes to light. My Husband did the exact same thing. When I discovered evidence of an affair, I confronted him. He assured me it was an EA and nothing more. I chose to believe him even though there was a nagging feeling of "There is more" in the pit of my stomach. Trying to recover from this devastation for a full year, he too confessed the rest after counseling...it too was a PA. I was crushed even more than the first time. Now I felt like a true fool...what's the old saying, "fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me." But like an onion there were still more layers...a month later he confessed to two more affairs that preceded this one.<P>I was numb from the devastation...yet in a weird way relieved my intuition was right...there had been more. I chose not to punish him for his honesty. I desperately needed the truth...now that I received it as horrible as it was...now I could heal and make reliable decisions. If you are denied the truth and knowledge how can you make those important choices for yourself?<P>So, despite, how awful it is to receive this "new information" realize it had already occured...it is not new to them...only new to you. It happened...it's over (?) and now my dear you have those missing pieces to the puzzle which will help you to see the picture that affected your life. Thankfully you finally have the truth. Knowledge (truth) is power. <P>Now...your original question...There are days I cannot look at my husband even just sitting across the dinner table without an image of "them" and what they did popping in my mind. There is literally nothing sexually he left pure for he and I...it is all tainted with "them". There are days I simply pull away and fight not throwing up. (The final confession occured Sept 30, 2000) But do you know who is the one suffering...not those heartless women or my husband but me. They still win and control my life, my happiness, and damn it, my bedroom! So I push back those thoughts, even if I have to use my fantasy and imagination to get me through to a point of my fulfillment. Each time I push on and connect with my husband...each time I reclaim my right and happiness as a wife. It is not easy...This weekend was particukarly difficult because I just resigned from my job and am feeling vulnerable and scared. It is easy to fall back into my fears especially about the marriage I nearly lost...without even knowing it. <P>But each time we connect and I force those garbage thoughts out of my mind and make love with my husband...I WIN and THEY LOSE! I regain my dignity and reclaim my life. <P>Good Luck, my friend.<P>Hugs,<BR>Gabriella

Everyone is different, each situation is different. I liked Gabriella's post about the honesty issue. Don't be hard on yourself. One day at a time.

Gosh, Maggierose! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. And it doesn't make any difference if it was yesterday or 20 years ago. Still feels the same. <P>Will you ever be able to love H again? My same question. Check out my thread on BS's: why are we doing this? I think you'll find some inspiration there.<P>I'll be thinking of you.<P>Blessings.<BR>Bound<BR>

maggierose<P>I just wanted to stop by and give you some supporting words. You've been given good input here. I am sure that your hurt is compounded because you were betrayed by two people who you thought loved you. Two people who you loved. <P>We are all different. In my case my husband was both the source of my pain and the source of my comfort. It was very strange but I needed him physically close to me even more so during the first few weeks after d-day. So we are all different. Whatever you feel if right for you. This may have happened years ago but to you it just happended. So take good care of yourself.<P>How is your husband handling your pain? What is he doing to help you heal?<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare