Dear Maggierose,<BR>I am so sorry about this discovery. Absolute honesty is so important for healing but unfortunately, like layers of an onion, more and more comes to light. My Husband did the exact same thing. When I discovered evidence of an affair, I confronted him. He assured me it was an EA and nothing more. I chose to believe him even though there was a nagging feeling of "There is more" in the pit of my stomach. Trying to recover from this devastation for a full year, he too confessed the rest after counseling...it too was a PA. I was crushed even more than the first time. Now I felt like a true fool...what's the old saying, "fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me." But like an onion there were still more layers...a month later he confessed to two more affairs that preceded this one.<P>I was numb from the devastation...yet in a weird way relieved my intuition was right...there had been more. I chose not to punish him for his honesty. I desperately needed the truth...now that I received it as horrible as it was...now I could heal and make reliable decisions. If you are denied the truth and knowledge how can you make those important choices for yourself?<P>So, despite, how awful it is to receive this "new information" realize it had already occured...it is not new to them...only new to you. It happened...it's over (?) and now my dear you have those missing pieces to the puzzle which will help you to see the picture that affected your life. Thankfully you finally have the truth. Knowledge (truth) is power. <P>Now...your original question...There are days I cannot look at my husband even just sitting across the dinner table without an image of "them" and what they did popping in my mind. There is literally nothing sexually he left pure for he and I...it is all tainted with "them". There are days I simply pull away and fight not throwing up. (The final confession occured Sept 30, 2000) But do you know who is the one suffering...not those heartless women or my husband but me. They still win and control my life, my happiness, and damn it, my bedroom! So I push back those thoughts, even if I have to use my fantasy and imagination to get me through to a point of my fulfillment. Each time I push on and connect with my husband...each time I reclaim my right and happiness as a wife. It is not easy...This weekend was particukarly difficult because I just resigned from my job and am feeling vulnerable and scared. It is easy to fall back into my fears especially about the marriage I nearly lost...without even knowing it. <P>But each time we connect and I force those garbage thoughts out of my mind and make love with my husband...I WIN and THEY LOSE! I regain my dignity and reclaim my life. <P>Good Luck, my friend.<P>Hugs,<BR>Gabriella
