After much research and soul-searching I think I figured out what went wrong and how I contributed to my H's EA.<P>But with this knowledge comes the feeling of powerlessness because I CAN'T tell him what I figured out because I am in plan B. I know I shouldn't educate him, but I've felt like the fog has been lifting and he is just in a deep depression over his life right now. I know he wants to come home but doesn't have the balls to admit he was wrong and face the fallout of his actions. So, all day I've been wrestling with sending him an email. I know I can't and I won't because I am in plan B, but I can't get this nagging feeling out of my head that I should do it. I want to share what I figured out and how I am positive we can rebuild our marriage, he just has to trust me. I keep thinking it would work, but I know what you guys will say. Don't do it, he's in a fog, don't educate him. I know, I know. I still FEEL like it is the right thing to do.<P>Also something that's been nagging at me. In a conversation H had with MIL she told him I still loved him. He said "she says one thing and does another." Meaning I say I love him but yet I go into plan B showing him I don't love him... I know I should not try to understand, but it BUGS me. So I had to get it out, I'll continue to try and ignore it.<P>So anyway, I'm so happy that I understand how this happened, I need to share. 3 years ago (while I was pregnant with second daughter), my H confided in me that he was involved in an activity 4 years previous (can't go into further detail) that totally rocked my boat (not an affair although it was sexual in nature). He couldn't forgive himself for this and I still don't think he has - he pushed it away and tried to forget about it. Anyway, a year later he rocks my boat again and says he doesn't love me anymore (I was working tons, 2nd baby was a TERROR to deal with - completely drained us - and I was not meeting his EN's), this caused me to be suicidal (major LB to him). He stayed because I was pregnant with child #3. Over the next year and a half I met H's EN's most of the time, but with his depressions and my work, sometimes I didn't and he would be in love/ out of love with me. He got so sick of the roller coaster / depression that he finally told me he didn't want me telling him I loved him anymore or showing him affection because it made him hurt when he couldn't return it (when he was depressed). Come to find out affection is his #1 EN. So, stupid me did as I was asked (thinking it would help somehow), and lo and behold 3 months later H is having an EA because I am no longer meeting his #1 EN.<P>Now the only thing I can't explain are the depressions. I am still of the mind that he may be bipolar. They could have also been caused by me just not meeting his EN's and him not happy with his life. He has to figure that one out.<P>So, now that I know that, I know what I need to do to work on me.<BR>-Stop being so wrapped up in H, not be suicidal over him - I knew that one already<BR>-Enjoy life and laugh more, be more spontaneous and just have fun. Less work more play.<BR>-Get back into sports.<BR>-Spend as much time with my kids as possible. Make them laugh constantly and not be so strict and uptight. Sing songs, plan days out, etc.<BR>-Get a tattoo (something I've been putting off)<P>Thank you all for listening. It feels so good to finally know this and realize what I should work on. I know this is long, but I've been doing alot of thinking and needed to get this out. This site is like my journal (I type faster than I write and writing tends to frustate me because I can't get down my words quick enough whereas I can when I type).<P>You are all wonderful. Now I just pray that my H can see this difference on his own and get the balls to do what he wants (rather than living with the choices he's already made). Isn't that just stupid? Whenever he says that I just think "he's pathetic". Isn't that horrible? It's what I think though. You won't go get what you want because you're too proud, or too scared, or too depressed and you'd rather live in misery because you think it will stop hurting the people you love. Plus knowing OW will be there for him if he chooses misery (it loves company you know), doesn't halp matters.<P>Sorry this is so long!!! Had to get it out.

HbH,<P>OK, you figured right, in that we'd tell you not to email your H and tell him anything. The idea is a Plan A is all that is required for H to think about things and compare now to what he could have, based on your Plan A.<P>I'm not expert. But I know the feeling of knowing what went wrong, and wanting to communicate this to wayward. However, I know in my case, she wouldn't want to hear any of it anyway. Perhaps your H is different, but I think in general, once the A is on, they just don't want to hear that WE might be able to meet their needs.<P>Take care of yourself and stay strong in your Plan B so you can keep me informed as to what I can expect next, OK? I need advanced warning. <BR>

I like you self-improvement plan. It makes life a lot more fun...Take Care

HBH-see where you're going? You're growing, your moving forward for you. . and that's not a bad thing-at all-that doesn't even have to be something you do to move on & away from your H. It's just something you need to do for you. It is making you a better you. Good things, comming from something bad-this is excellent for you, you should be proud of yourself!!<P>No, you can't really tell your H about it, even if you were in Plan A, you couldn't really tell him, educating, right? Just keep going in the direction you're going. It's moving you to a different spot in your life. . .good, good & more good. This is now YOUR rollercoaster ride (hopefully when you get off your H will be in the last car). Go with it!!

HBH- Sounds like your H has definite depression problems....doesn't make him bipolar. Is he drinking? That's the #1 reason for depression (according to the experts).<P>

HBH:<P>It always comes down to the fog issue as long as they are with the OP, doesn't it.<P>Remember, Plan B is for YOU. To protect what love you have for your H, and to build you up for total separation, if that should occur. It is also the kick-in-the-rump, wakeup call to your H.<P>Stay the course! You have shown grace, humor and courage so far.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hi everyone. Just wanted to say thanks. <P>Rick, more than anything, my H wants to believe I can meet his needs. His ideal future would be for our relationship to be the way it was in the beginning (he's wanted that for 2 years but we haven't been doing the right things to reach that level). He is convinced that can never be so he will settle for OW and the misery she brings to all. My H has completely devastated me about 7 times in the last 2 years, he's had enough. He just wants to stop hurting me and the kids because he can't seem to do what is right.<P>As an addendum to the story below after my H's first EA, he immediately stopped it once it came to light, however he didn't tell me until 3 months later. All the while he was suffering from withdrawal and that's why he was so depressed and I couldn't meet his EN's. Then he told me about it finally, and felt HORRIBLE. I was suicidal again and he hated what he had done. Then SHE came into the picture at the darkest point in his life and the full-blown EA was on (different woman). It gives him an out so he can stop hurting us. I did everything at that point to meet his EN's, but because she was in the picture (and I didn't know it), nothing worked. Then he immediately told me about her once she told him she loved him. But it was too late, he loved her too. He had devastated me again (suicidal thoughts again). Then he gave it a half-hearted attempt (no-contact letter and withdrawal for 3 weeks, said he would try his hardest to make me happy (and he did)). Then it became too much (he was confused and depressed), he moved out and started things back up with her - once more devastating me. And here we are today.<P>I needed to get that down. It helps me so I can look back one day.<P>I sometimes wonder if I am broken. That he has caused me so much pain that I just come to expect it and that is why I don't seem to harbor any anger towards him and I'm not really sad anymore about what he did or is doing. I just miss him terribly. <P>OW just gets me so mad. She keeps him on a string by saying "I don't want to pressure you or destroy your marriage, but we can be together if you choose me and that is what I want. But I'm okay if you choose to be with your wife too." UGH!! It makes me so mad because it validates their EA in some weird twisted way because they are not atually DOING anything, just spending time and depositing more love units. She thinks she's doing the right thing by letting him decide, but in reality she is just tearing him apart and ruining my marriage. Fog, fog, fog. I hate it. <P>Okay, had to vent. Thanks everyone for listening.

Sorry, got off on a tangent with my last post.<P>Bound, thanks. I realize that. Bipolar runs in his family and he has many of the symptoms. I don't know if he has this, just suffers from depression, or what. I do know he needs outside help to deal with this and he has to do it on his own. No, he doesn't drink.<P>I just had to get my feelings out. I am still in plan B and will stay the course. I just can't get this nagging feeling out of my head that I need to reinforce to my H that things can work between us if he would try, I know what we need to do now. <P>Think I could email him a link to this thread? Would that break plan B??? <smirk> I know, it would. <sigh><P>I'll be okay. Thanks for listening, gotta go work on my "improvement list".

No! Don't you email him a thing!<P>These are his demons...maybe it is true...but it is not for you to 'fix.'<P>He has to come to everything in his in own time and in his own way....and it will be painful for you and for him. We all know the pain.<P>The pain is there for many reasons...<P>Give up 'control' HurtbyHubby. Give it to God so that you can stop tormenting yourself. (And, by saying this to you, I am still convincing myself that I have given my H to God.)<P>Keep saying it over and over and over until you believe it.<P>Keep your head up. Keep strong. Move forward. In everything I have read, it is the confidence the vulnerable spouse gains; it is their moving forward, that draws the wayward spouse back.<P>Don't wring your hands. Don't say woe is me. (except here ). Chin UP.<P>Live my new signature scripture. <P>------------------<BR><P><I> Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. </I> <B> Galatians 6:9 </B>

HBH - ditto the others. <P>WARNING - potential anti-Plan B suggestion follows:<P>Nothing says you can't communicate your feelings to your MIL about your revelation. Maybe she'll pass along the gossip.<P>Maybe this is WAY out of line. Don't do it without running it by the others.<P>WAT

Hey WAT - nah. H doesn't really like talking with MIL, I've learned it doesn't help. Thanks for the suggestion though. If you think of any others...<P>Diva - I know. I've stopped all control now that I am in plan B. Although honestly, all of the control up to this point wasn't intentional. Sort of like you, H didn't do it, so I did. We talked and talked and did what we both agreed was right. Yet, he still felt controlled and manipulated, so that's all that mattered.I can't win I guess. Even today I still handle some of his expenses and he just mails me a check.<P>Don't worry, I'm not doing anything, still in plan B. Thanks for the affirmation that I am doing the right thing though. I know he has to fight his demons on his own. I just want to help, he is so sad and it is hard to watch. I know he feels like I am abandoning him (which I sort of am hoping it is the best thing for him), and that makes me sad.<P>Oh well, work on me and pray, pray, pray.<P>Thanks again!!<BR>

Hi HW:<P>I think you already know what you need to do...so there's no reason to repeat it....but I do think you have found some insight during this early Plan B that could give you some focus to dirrect your energy towards while you are apart.<P>But your aren't the only problems in the marriage and he also needs time to work on his.<P>Cali is right that he has his own demons to fight....demons that he thinks can be kept a bay by OW...you know that's not true...his demons are inside....and until he deals with them they will not go away. This experience, although it is very hard on you and your children, will be equally hard on him and may eventually lead him to work on himself and quit trying to blame others for his problems.<P>Your plan seems likes an excellent way to get yourself back on a positive tract....and don't think that his being gone means that he won't notice....each time he is around you...if only for a few minutes or hours...he will notice the change....and nothing is more appealing then a strong confident woman....sure about what she wants out of her life and willing to do what it takes to get it....even if that means eventually moving on. Believe me this is one thing no WS wants to consider....that the BS will move on while he's trying to decide what he wants.<P>I know you miss him...but that just the devil trying to get you to question yourself...keep up your resolve....it really will be the answer in the end.<P>Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 02, 2001).]

BTW--go get that tattoo, I did!<P>(Actually WS and I got 'matching' tattoos. Go figure.)<P>Mine is Chinese characters. One means danger. The other opportunity. Together they represent crisis (or danger as opportunity).<P>They came from a card I gave him very early in our relationship...interesting, don't you think that he chose to get them tattooed on his body?<P>STRENGTH! STRENGTH! STRENGTH!<P>Diva