Friday 6/29/01 the OW called my H's friend. She asked why he was saying bad things about her. Why he was trying to take my H away from her??? Our friend told the OW because he's a married man... To make a long story short. My H was talking to the OW when I got home from work. He basically told me he is 100% on the OW side. We had a long talk on Friday. He said he was scared to stay in marriage because he's scared he will feel the same way in the future..Nothing for me. He said he's so dead inside. It wasn't anything to do with the OW. She's just made him see the light. I did put the OW down. I asked my H if he knows of anyone who likes the OW. He said NO.... I wanted to tell my H so much that she is talking that she was his cousolor and making him believe things in his marriage. She said she was the home wrecker and she didn't care. He is getting a divorce. <P>Then Saturday when I got home I saw the OW had wrote him two more letters. Saying she loves him, needs him, wants him. She said that he's come to a bridge and if he wants she will take his hand and walk over it with her. She said she will be waiting on the other side. She also said he has to do it for himself because she lost her self and now she has it back and is happy. (OW is separate & divorce is to be final end of July) She said she promises him that if he listens to his heart he will do the right thing. She said she has been doing a lot of thinking. She said she asked him if he felt the Connection to me anymore. The OW said she has the connection..she said my H lives in her. She said God has brought them together...it's Fate.... She they are good parents and she want to raise their children together. Now my H doesn't wear his ring anymore either. She has made him believe he feels no connection. He has told me he has to do this for himself. He was willing to try counselling one-on-one. He said Dr. Harley has good points but he feels one-on-one would be better. He said he wasn't giving up on us yet.<P>Then on Saturday night I hit my all time low, it felt like I hit a wall, I was so weak. I was laying on the couch. He sat down and said realized that he doesn't feel anything. And all he keeps doing is Kicking a dead horse. This marriage isn't going to work. He said he's tried a counselor, our pastor and Dr. Harley. (Since May 29, 2001) and no one is helping him. He said nothing means anything to him. I said get help. Then he said, now you're letting me get help. I said you've NEVER asked to go to counselling. He got upset and said not to go there. I remember back in 1990 when we first got married I said that counselling was for weak & if you need it you might as well get a divorce. At the time when we were honeymooners I just said this. I was the first one to get counselling. My best friend was going through a rough marriage and I told my H I didn't ever want to go through anything like that. I told him I saw in our church bulleton marriage counselling before you need it. I called & was on waiting list. He thanked me for thinking of our marriage like that. <P>My H has been really distant from me. When I gave examples of times when I felt his love he said no, he was lying to himself then and just saying it. He even wanted to talk about child custody stuff on Saturday night. I felt like he was kicking me when I was down. You should have seen the look on his face. We ended talking when I said I have been ready a lot about marriages and you have to give it time. Sometimes you won't see the light even after 4-6 month. I said there have been several marriages like ours you don't just give up. I said let's try for a year with a lot a good counselling. He stood up upset and said yes okay I'll get help. <P>Then today (Mon. 7/2) when he got home from work at 7:00am this morning he was VERY distant. He doesn't even want to bump into each other. Or in church the other night he didn't even want to share a hymnal with me. Or touch arms.<P>He talked to the Police Department Chaplin last night I think. This Chaplin isn't your normal one though. His wife just left him for another man. He has even went on a couple of breaks with my H's OW. He asked her to join him sometime in the hot tub since his wife left him. I wouldn't be suprised if he gave the advise that God wouldn't want my H to stay in our marriage if he hated it or didn't feel anything.<P>We had baby puppies. I told my H seeing them it makes me sad because that's what I love about "us". I asked him not to just throw that away. He couldn't answer me. He said just don't. I know I shouldn't has said that I probably ruined everything.<P>In some sense he's trying to divorce me from everything. He really doesn't like to do anything together much anymore. Like even going into town. We still eat our meals together and sit at the table together. He used to pray to bring love back in our family and for God to help us understand things that happen. But as of Saturday he doesn't pray that either. <P>Please give me some of your honest answers or experiences.<P>Thanks,<BR>LOVEMESS<BR>

Hi Lovemess:<P>My honest answer? Well, that would be that WS is in the fog so deep you could cut it with a knife....and OW's on the side pumping as hard on her fog machine as she can.<P>Well, what to do? Experience has shown me that there is little at this point that you can do to stop this....where the fog is this thick it will usually play out that he will leave. There are some good signs in that he is agreeable to counseling...that usually indicates some indecision on his part.<P>So, playing on that indecision you must begin to stop trying to talk him out of this and begin to demonstate that the marriage has value and by implimenting a good Plan A. If you haven't read the information on this site....do so....also you will need to get the books "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and read them (two or three times) until you get a basic understanding of what needs to be done.<P>The biggest thing you need to do is to tell yourself that this is a typical scenerio for an affair...the usual script...usual characters...and you can expect that it will progress in the way that most affairs progress and will eventually end. You're lucky that you have found this site, because that one concept alone will help you keep your sanity through all this. <P>This affair is not your doing....and what is being said and done are not necessarily the final words in this mess. Time has a way of changing WS's perspective on how he feels....and it's on your side. It's how you act during this time that may determine whether your marriage will survive or not. Remember that a lot of people here have gone through what you're going through and their marriage has survived....and in fact, has come out the stronger for it....not that I would recommend it. <P>I know you're hurting right now....and it probably will get worse before it gets better...but stay here, post alot and listen to what the others have to tell you...it will be worth it....although a lot of it will be against your basic instincts.<P>Either way you're going back up to the top for more help hopefully.<P>Faye<BR>

Hi there,<P> Faye has some great advice.....what you are going through is very , very typical (painful, too, I know).<P>Read all you can , DO NOT make any moves towards a D, let him do all of the work if that's what he wants(so many of them never actually get around to it!)<P>Sounds like this OW is pressuring him HARD, that is to your advantage.....it will get old. Can you counsel with Steve H? He can guide you and get you through PlanA/Plan B. It is a very good sign that he seems a little confused. Plan A......LU

First stop telling him what a mistake he would be making, he doesn't HEAR that, he only hears you telling him that HE CAN"T THINK FOR HIMSELF. Also, do not put down OW either, he won't hear that either and that will make him take up for her even more, especially since no one likes her he will think of himself as the MAN THAT SAVED HER FROM ALL EVIL! Believe me, she is laying it on thick w/your H and the more you Plan A, even if he does leave she will continue saying how horrible his life is, but then he will see that things were not horrible at all, he will see that the OW is manipulating his thoughts to mesh her own and the fog will start lifting. If he decides to leave, let him leave, bow out GRACIOUSLY, but still in a PLAN A mode, no begging, no crying, no threats, he won't expect that. He will see a different light soon enough.

On my way to the gym....thought I'd just put you back at the top for more input.<P>F