Sunday my H was nice. But I think he saw OW. Yesterday I spoke with Dr. Harley & explained what my H has been doing. Basically giving up, wanting a Divorce. Plus I told him about the OW letters I found. OW thinks God is bringing them together...it's fate.. and that she feels the connection with my H. She said he's lives in her. On Sunday we had puppies and I asked my H if he would not just throw us away. He said he didn't want to talk about it.<P>After talking w/ Dr. Harley on Monday (7/2/01) he said my H has an addiction but my H said it's not about the OW. He has felt this way for a long time. He said the marriage was over along time ago because why else would he of had the affair. He went after the OW. He says he's dead inside & I have killed his "self" Nothing means anything to him. <P>He is still using the OW as his consolor. He goes to her<BR>with EVERYTHING. How can I get this to stop???? I know what they are trying to do. She's been through all of this. My H said he's tried counseling, we talked about financial situation, now he's talking about custody (which I didn't say anything), then he talked about him moving out for the "cooling" off period. He really is getting all his ducks in a row in order to get the DIVORCE. She even wrote in her letter that if he wants she would take his hand and help him cross this bridge. She would be waiting for him. She's really cleaver. <P>Dr. Harley said I have to just let my H know that I took the appointment yesterday and I should tell my H. I went to bed and wrote my H a note. That I am going to put the plan on Hold until we BOTH want to follow this plan. I said that I was going to carry on with my own business and give him space and time. I told him not to confuse this with anything because I feel we can restore our feelings not just because we have to because we can with a plan even though we may not feel them right now.<P>He took the note with him last night before he went to work. He probably let her read it to see what see thought. The only thing that scares me is that she wants him BAD and she will stear him in the wrong direction when he thinks she's helping him. I don't know how to win.<P>Conversation has been pretty boring. He doesn't have much to say. Do I just keep silent or make up something to talk about? He will talk nice if I talk.<P>I think he has some plan to tell his dad that it's over. I filled his parents in on what Harley said. He said to just let all his negitive thought and statements go in one ear and out the other. When my H says he doesn't feel anything that's why he's leaving, his parents are just supposed to say something like, What are or have you ever done to change your feelings for her? Sounds like Dr. Harley has a good plan. <P>I am going to buy the book today "How to Survive an Affair"<BR>I still have a thought in the back of my mine that my H really believes this marriage is over. He's felt nothing for years (6 or more). He said he's been lying to himself whenever he said he felt something. He's tried and tried but there nothing. He said he's tired of kicking a DEAD horse. I mentioned times when he told me how he feels about me. He said again I was lying to myself again.<BR>He said he's DONE lying to himself. He gets in this really weird mood when he talks like this. He said if he leaves it won't be for the OW. It will be for his "SELF BEING" because he doesn't have it now. He said if he loses EVERYTHING or no matter what people say or think at least he would have his "SELF BEING" happiness. In the OW letter she said she lost her self too. And she promised my H if e follows his heart he will do the right thing. She said she is happy now no matter what people say or think of her. She's been separated for 18 months and divorce should be final at end of July. <P>Did I do the right thing by writing to my H letting him let me know when he wants to try together. How long do I wait??? I talk to Dr. Harley again on Thursday.<BR>Since my H said all of these things (feels nothing at all for me, NO CONNECTION) to me and telling the OW he will probably get a divorce, how will or can this ever turn around for the good???? He's even took off wedding ring because he said he just realized something. (NO CONNECTION anymore..he's been lying to himself again) How can I turn this around with plan A.<P>Needs some advise from people who've been through this...<P>Thanks,<BR>LoveMess

Your story just hit home to me. My wife just told me the same thing. I have three children, home and a life that might not include her. I have made some headway but its slow and with very little reward. Tell him you love him weather he wants to hear or not , give him a hug and tell him your there for him. Do not confront him but slowly fill him with so much caring that the OW will come up short. Do you have children?. this will be a painfully slow process and it might not help but there is a strong chance it will. Confuse him. He is under a fog now with the OW and I'm sure he's tormented by it. Never the less you must open up and talk with each other and try to end each conversation with a small positive. Stay with this board and keep posting in time you will become stronger, work on yourself.

Yes we have twin girls who just turned five. They would absolutely be crushed if their daddy left. We are all so close. He still will kiss me at night before he leaves. He doesn't say I love you though anymore. I just say bye, be careful and have a good night. He works third shift as a Police Officer. LoveMess. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by adamsol:<BR><B> Your story just hit home to me. My wife just told me the same thing. I have three children, home and a life that might not include her. I have made some headway but its slow and with very little reward. Tell him you love him weather he wants to hear or not , give him a hug and tell him your there for him. Do not confront him but slowly fill him with so much caring that the OW will come up short. Do you have children?. this will be a painfully slow process and it might not help but there is a strong chance it will. Confuse him. He is under a fog now with the OW and I'm sure he's tormented by it. Never the less you must open up and talk with each other and try to end each conversation with a small positive. Stay with this board and keep posting in time you will become stronger, work on yourself.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

LoveMess<P>You and adam are both experiencing what I went through, and it is the same with everyone that ever had an affair..I think. <P>I dont believe any of what they are saying for a couple of reasons...<P>If it were truly over *so long ago*, they would have been out by now, and surely after you finding out about the A, they had a free ticket to leave if they truly wanted it. They are trying to absolve themselves of guilt and responsibility by having you tell them it is over. They are manipulating the situation, while still in the fog, so that they can feel free to pursue the OM/OW with your permission..after all, you asked them to leave, to move on, to quit. If you do that, they have permission and the guilt is gone.<P>Another factor of this living in the past....(I haven't felt anything in years, its been over for a long time, that is why I had the affair), is that they need a reason to rationalize the affair, and it usually contains blaming you, the BS. WS are masters at manipulating and rationalizing the A as being your fault. We would never have had the affair if we were happy at home, etc. <P>I don't think he is ready to go in as much as he is looking for reasons to stay. Those reasons have to come from within him and he needs to convince himself he is worthy of being loved again. He goes to her with everything right now because a) she is safe, b) she tells him what he wants/needs to hear and c)she validates everything he feels right now. But even with all that, he hasn't left. That says something for you, no matter what he may SAY! OW is very clever, as you stated. She tells him exactly what she knows he needs to hear. She is pushing the right buttons and pulling the right strings, but you are still in control, even if you dont feel like it. Keep loving him, talking to him, showing him how important he is. Ultimately, he will make a choice, but he has to come out of the fog before he does.<P>Keep the faith!!<P>Trueheart