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Joined: May 2001
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RealityCheck,

My, oh my, did I hit a nerve? Seems like I did. Interesting, you don’t like it when married people are not miserable do you? It’s funny, because when I posted, I expected you to say something like “your silly cheating husband STL”. You did not disappoint me. Your attempt at a “below the belt” hit does not bother me because we have arrived at peace with what happened in our lives. It did amuse me, however.

RE: “God only knows what other boards you are posting on!”

Sorry to disappoint you, but this is the only board we post on. As a rule I am not into chat or boards. I only use them as a tool when needed. We are here to improve our marriage. This website has given us more than we will ever be able to give back. We are not people living vicariously through the Internet.

RE: “over 700 posts from you since MAY!!! (You do the math)”

OK, I did the math. This is my 750th post. So… 750 posts, at 5 minutes each (this is high as I am a fast typist), over approximately 70 days

Solving for hours spent per day (HSPD)

HSPD = (750*5)/70/60
HSPD = .89 hours or 53.4 minutes

RE: “why do you both spend so much time at your computers instead of making love to each other?”

Since my first posting here approximately 70 days ago, 1680 hours have clicked away. I’ve spent approximately 63, or 3.75 %, of those hours online. So that has left us the 1617 to do other things, including making love to each other.

We spend approximately 12.5% of our time in lovemaking (this is actually a low estimate).

RE: “Don't you two have better, (i.e., - more romantic) things to do????)”

RE: "To JK and Neverending: Thanks for your honest replies."

I get the impression from this that you think that STL & my replies were not honest. They may no fit your reality but they are honest replies. When doing research, the researcher does not get to cull out the replies they do not like, the ones that do not fit their theory.


We do many things. But building our marriage is our primary focus. That, in itself, is romantic and rewarding. Wouldn’t you agree?

Z

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He loves not who does not show love.
----William Shakespeare

[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited July 06, 2001).]


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RealityCheck,

Why do you think that Marie’s scenario is utter ABSURDITY?

Simply because you have never come home to a greeting like this does not mean that other do not. And have you ever greeted your wife this way?

I can feel your pain. What is its source?

ML


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Boy, did I try to make this a reality with my ex-H. The reality for us was the "life" which included; working opposite shifts, three small children, chores, homework, baths, blah, blah, blah (the life stuff)... it did get in the way sometimes, and more often than not. However, we did do crazy wild things when we could. It didn't stop him from having affairs though.

Since I am a newlywed (with no children living with us) as I write this, I certaiinly am able to live this kind of scenerio quite often with my new H.

I am ever mindful that emotional needs (EN's) do need to be met on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute basis, or the marriage begins to crumble. So, it is my desire to keep the flame burning HOT for my H and me.

I learned my lessons, and for that I am thankful.

[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited July 06, 2001).]


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N:

Romance is the physical expression of love. Indeed, a minute-by-minute meeting of emotional needs, combined with the rules of honesty, care, protection and time, ensures that the potential for marital misunderstanding is minimized.

Wishing you the bliss of an MB-based marriage,
Godspeed,
STL


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Reality Check

Normally... I do not and will not take part in a thread that is nothing but an endless argument and perpetual flame. However since you’ve chosen to attack two people [Zorweb / STL] whom I feel have done nothing but positive and good things for MB.com.

I’ll take this opportunity to stand up for two friends here on the boards. Personally I don’t know either of them, and I haven’t read their entire story. However every post I’ve read thus far from either of them has been a positive influence.

Why is it you seek to destroy anything positive, and belittle two people who have done nothing but help everyone here at MB.com. I’m not saying, that you need to form a like-minded opinion with that of Zorweb, or STL. However you can be more mature in your comments when it comes to addressing some points in an argument. What I see is someone who doesn’t take criticism very well so he / she lashes out in a destructive manor.

This destructive and childish behavior appears to have followed you in every thread you’ve posted on. I’ve seen and read your posts before. I find your negative, cynical, and apathetical views appalling. Why are you blatantly choosing this path here at MB.com with “disillusioned advice” masked as “reality check”?

Is it too much to ask, that you form a constructive post with something helpful for the reader? Rather then something you find amusing, and hurtful?

My only hope at this point is you truly seek out the help you need to get well. To turn some of that hostility you have into something positive.

Playtime is over.

[H]


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Yea, I get that kind of welcome. Not every day, but often enough. Most days, I get the warm greeting before dinner & kids homewrok, and the "lets go upstairs" afterwards, but I am not complaining. It was not always like this. But I found that when I put as much enrgy into making her happy & feeling lovd as I did into my hobbies and other interests, things got much hottre at home.


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CAVEAT: BIG VENT AHEAD!!!!

This post only adds salt to the wounds of us "wives and husbands" who are struggling to save marriages that may have been understandably lacking in the romance department. It hit me to the very core, made me feel inadequate as a working wife.

It also made me think of how this is where my H and his OW are, in the "Honeymoon (aka fantasy)" stage of their relationship, as opposed to the "Reality (real life)" of being married X years, which I'm sure most of us here know what that means.

I take offense to the idea you are polling H's (or even wives) for their feedback on this. This is NOT the arena for your type of poll. Pls take it elsewhere.

Jo


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First off, I don't know why I should feel ashamed, but I do. The love between a husband and a wife is a very beautiful thing. I believe that this type of love and passion is, and should only be, shared between two people who are bonded in marriage.

That being said, I wish with all my heart and soul that I never posted such an intimate portrayal of my love for my H (prior to his A), in my previous post to Fish.

And, although it is very much a true *picture* of how I enjoyed greeting my H, I AGREE THAT MY POSTING WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT. IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE A POLL.

NOTE: For those who didn't see my original post to Fish, the description outlined in this original post is just one small piece of what I had written.

BTW, if anyone has been searching for the original thread, it is now erased, as I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I tried to hurt another person (a single OW involved with a married man) with my true story of what some married men (even those who choose to have affairs) return home to.

This entire post just brings more pain and turmoil to me. Isn't it funny how our very own words can hurt us?

What really hurts is the assumption that if a married man was receiving this type of affection from his wife, then he'd never have had an affair in the first place. Yes, I know it's hard to comprehend. I live it/rehash it every day. And, honestly, I will NEVER understand my H's decision to have an affair.

I loved him very much...perhaps too much, if there is such a thing. And, I've learned that I shouldn't have shared such an intimate moment between my H and myself with this forum.

However, my love was like this BEFORE my H had his affair. Yes, I greeted him like I described...and frequently (not always directly at the door, not always the same exact time)-- and, yes, even when his affair was in full gear (unbeknownst to me). Yes, it breaks my heart to know that even though he was receiving all my love--all my heart and soul--as much I had to give him, HE STILL CHOSE TO SLEEP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

If it makes any body feel any better, I honestly find it next to impossible to greet him like this anymore .

I want to. I want to be his happy go-lucky, "glad to have him home" honey....but his affair very nearly killed all the love I ever had for him. To say that it ripped my heart out is very much an understatement.

This is a very hard post for me. If I had a way to erase this original post I would-- unfortunately I can't because someone cut and pasted my words. It's hard for me to remember such tender, passionate moments between my H and myself.

Yes, we still make love. I would never dream of punishing him for his A by withholding lovemaking. But, I feel empty. And, I feel used. And, although my H is now very much with me, I still feel mocked by the two of them (H and OW)...

....and now, I pretty much feel mocked by whoever posted this tread in the first place.

Yes, some husbands do receive the attention I posted about. I know it can happen. It was my life.

And, I will fight til doomsday attempting to get it back again.

Peace, ~Marie

As an afterthought: If whoever posted this in the first place could erase it for me, I would be forever grateful.

------------------
I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.

The Bible
Matthew 17:20

[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited July 06, 2001).]


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Hi Marie,

While it's good to see your name here, I wish it wasn't on a post like this! I also used to greet my husband like this quite often before I knew about the affair, and while I still occasionally try it, it's just not "there" yet.

I have many of the feelings you expressed on your post. Most especially about continuing the fight to get it back!

Best wishes,

Peppermint


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Thanks for posting, Peppermint.

You're a sweetheart! Love, ~Marie


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Hi Marie and Peppermint,

I too use to greet my H this way, but before his first A. Then just like Marie, I felt numb and used. It tore my heart into a million pieces. Innocence lost.

Marie ... I'm sorry this poster used your very intimate and well meaning thread out of context. Don't fret it Honey. We all know you here, and love you.

Best,
Jo

[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 06, 2001).]


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Are you CRAZY....not a chance...don't even fantasize about it. Let us get real here.

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quote:
By Realitycheck: Personally, I've never come home from work with the kind of reception that "Oh My Marie" describes.

HELLO! Has she been reading too many of those paper-back books with Fabio on the cover?


Nawww...those books just don't do it for me .

Personally, I'm into spy/espionage books. Ever read "The Bourne Identity," by Ludlum???? One of my all time favorites.

Peace, ~Marie

------------------
I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.

The Bible
Matthew 17:20


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Marie:

Are you kidding, RC thinks Bourne Identity's first name is Mel, some actor from Australia.

I am sorry this (im)poster did that, too. Which is why I took exception in the first place. It was not his place to use your words in such a manner, Marie.

Godspeed,
STL


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First off,

(((((((((((((((((((marie))))))))))))))))))))

I'm crying reading this post, because I felt I was giving everything I had in me to show my H how much I loved and cherished him. And he chose to be with someone else.

It kills me that I have to live with this knowledge for the rest of my life.

I gave him something that I hardly ever give anyone- my trust. I have huge issues surrounding trust-even before the A- that my H knew about. Yet he took that trust, my life, my love and threw it away. I don't think you can get any more hurtful or disrespectful than that, huh?


quote:
Originally posted by ohmy_marie:

If it makes any body feel any better, I honestly find it next to impossible to greet him like this anymore .

I want to. I want to be his happy go-lucky, "glad to have him home" honey....but his affair very nearly killed all the love I ever had for him. To say that it ripped my heart out is very much an understatement.

Yes, we still make love. I would never dream of punishing him for his A by withholding lovemaking. But, I feel empty. And, I feel used. And, although my H is now very much with me, I still feel mocked by the two of them (H and OW)...

[/B]


I can SO relate to this! I don't even recognize myself anymore. He's killed a part of me that I valued so much. I no longer am optimistic, hopeful. I no longer look at the future with anticipation or happiness. I live out each day just trying to get through it- and that's on a good day. When I make love to him, I feel cheap and used, and I can't deal with thr thoughts that go through my head about them together.

I too will never understand why he felt he had to have an affair.

H2M


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When I was in the military, my W used to talk about picking me up after an alert ( I was a missile launch officer) in a tranch coat with nothing on. She surprised me in the early portion of our relationship. But as I think back on it, it was a desparate plea for help concerning things that had occurred in childhood. I found this out after trying to get to the root of the problem.

Though I am no expert, I have concluded that MOST of those who commit adultery, I hate the softening associated with affair, do so because they never really learned how to deal with probbles in their lives that started as a child. THey didn't have the support to deal with the problem appropriately. THen there are those who repeat what they saw there parents do. Seeing it happen with their parents legitimized such behavior subconsciously which decided to manifest itself in adulthood. This is intensified when what you see on televsion and in the movies supports the behavior as well.

We have to stop doing what feels good only because we want to feel good. THat is the lie that Satan wants us to believe is true. I've found that there is a feeling associated with something that is eternal that transcends any feeling of pleasure we feel when we do wrong things: it is joy which feels good in the midst of the pain. This joy comes from doing what Godwants you to do.

------------------
God Bless,
Rob

regilmor@swbell.net


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