Okay. My H didn't actually reply to my other email. (see thread) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010244.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010244.html</A> <P>Just sent this one instead:<P>_________________<P>"I really need to get the disk for my printer.  I have work due soon and can't print it out.  I have almost no free time, working 90+ hours a week between the two jobs and the dig.  With the ten hours of commute time thrown in.  I may be able to go buy Friday night or Saturday morning.  Can you leave them and any mail in the mailbox.<P>Buy the time Friday afternoon comes around, I have been awake for about 48 hous, and may need a ride (like it or not) in order to make it home alive.  I feel asleep for several seconds last week, and almost hit a tractor trailer."<BR>_____________<P>Guess this means he's not ready to reconcile since he didn't mention anything about it, huh? It still makes me feel good to hear from him. I miss him so much.<P>Look at what he is doing to himself!! And this is the man that took my kids on a 4-hour trip on Saturday after this happened. And you guys thought I was nuts for being concerned he may fall asleep!!! I suppose I should start getting info on funeral arrangements, that's where he seems to be heading...<P>Sigh. What do you guys think? Got any encouraging words for me? Why did he just ignore the stuff I sent the other day?? Doesn't want to deal with it maybe? At least he doesn't have much time for OW in all this either. That makes me VERY happy.<P>I feel SO bad, I want to reach out and hug him and tell him it will be okay, stop being so depressed, stop living in misery, stop ruining your life. But I can't, I can't. It makes me so sad to see him like this.<P>I need to get back to him. I am not home this weekend to do as he asked, and I don't know where the disks are anyway so I can't help him. Should I write something quick back to him stating this or have MIL leave him a message? I'm leaning toward MIL myself, especially since he didn't mention anything in regards to working things out...<BR>

Hugs HbH!<P><BR>Can we spell a-v-o-i-d-a-n-c-e?<P>I might respond that I can't find disks...does he have Internet access beyond email? He can go to the manufacturer's site and download the printer driver from there...I've done that several times...<P>Take care,<P>Hope you had a nice 4th.<P>Cali

HbH:<P>Cali's hit it on the head. And her spelling is impeccable.<P>He is trying to sustain contact. If you want to respond, make it a "the printer driver you need is available from the manufacturer's Web site." Let your other email continue to stew in the fog. See if the vapors lift a bit.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

HbH,<P>Yep do not solve his problems. He wants to be on his own. Let him do it all. If you do any of this you are filling ENs for him.<P>Hang in there. I know it's tough.<P>Z

HBH - ditto all the others.<P>Why respond at all in writing?<P>What is your arrangement for him picking up his mail? I think it's OK to provide his mail by putting it in his mailbox. This is what a Plan B intermediary would do if you had one. I think withholding the printer disk could be seen as vindictive if it's an easy thing to include with the mail. Just don't communicate about it. After all, most Plan B'ers have items in their possession that sooner or later will have to be turned over to the WS. I don't think Plan B means you get to keep everything.<P>What do you guys think?<P>WAT

WAT - I totally agree, that's why I need to get back to him so I don't seem vindictive.<P>Of course it does IRK me since he hasn't give ME any of the stuff I've asked for AND this is the printer I was using for work that he never asked if he could take (just came in a grabbed it during one of his breakins). Technically, it was his since I bought it for him for Christmas, but it still irks me. Guess I'll just get over it.<P>I don't have the disk - I can't find it, otherwise I would leave it in the mailbox...<P>Guess I'll just leave him a short email that says:<BR>"I can't find the disk anywhere. You need to go to the mfg website or microsoft.com and download the drivers."<P>Sigh. I still miss him so much.

Well Hurt u know I am going to throw my opinion in here. I think that he is avoiding as Cali said and he is MANIPULATING you with the sob storrow of long work hours, no sleep and near misses while driving. He could also be throwing that part in there so he can use that as an excuse as to why he doesn't spend more time with the kids. I don't understand his last statement by "and may need a ride (like it or not) in order to make it home alive." Is he asking you to drive him home (like it or not)?

Hurt, <P>Others are right. He is trying to suck you in as usual. <P>If he is asking that you drive him home don't do it. He can either sleep in the car in some safe place or get a hotel room. <P>This is what tough love is like. Do not fill any of his ENs.<BR>Let him see what life is like wihtout you.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Welcome to my life. I don't understand it either. <P>The only thing I can think of is:<BR>1. He's trying to rationalize why it's okay for OW to drive him back on Friday.<BR>2. He's trying to get me to offer to drive him back without actually asking.<BR>3. He's just out of it and rambling on because he misses talking with me.<BR>4. He's normally a very proud person and this is his way of letting me know he is finally asking for help and realizing he can't do it all on his own (having someone drive him home whether he likes it or not).<P>Whatever. I wasn't planning on driving him back, but I still hope he is okay. He works 3rd shift Friday night, so he needs someone to drive him back to go to his job. Don't ask me how he'll stay awake...<P>Anyone predict he will crash soon? In a weird way I hope so, maybe it will kick some sense into him.

OK HBH - sit down.<P>Plan B is supposed to insulate you from all this crap. I can understand it's hard to switch gears (I'll be doing it soon and you can send this post right back to me, probably), but you need to separate yourself from this agony. Re-read your letter. Unless he's willing to meet your conditions of committment and no contact, you don't give him the time of day or worry about it. You're FREE!! Release yourself from this pain. This is what Plan B is for!!<P>WAT

ditto WAT.<P>(WAT that was great!)<P>Z

Yep! yep! yep!<P>Free yourself! Give him over to God! Don't play those old tapes!<P><BR>Hugs! hugs! hugs!<P><BR>Cali

Perhaps we should change the tune <I>Maxwell's Silver Hammer</I> to <I>WAT's Silver Hammer</I> ... he again hits the nail square on the head.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hi Hurt:<P>WAT's right....he knows what buttons to push...give him the program in return..let him see it isn't going to work...my WS does this too...tries to make me feel sorry for him.<P>Faye

<<The only thing I can think of is:<BR>1. He's trying to rationalize why it's okay for OW to drive him back on Friday.<BR>2. He's trying to get me to offer to drive him back without actually asking.<BR>3. He's just out of it and rambling on because he misses talking with me.<BR>4. He's normally a very proud person and this is his way of letting me know he is finally asking for help and realizing he can't do it all on his own (having someone drive him home whether he likes it or not).>><P><BR>I think it's simpler than that:<BR>1. He wants his cake and eat it too.<BR>2. He wants his cake and eat it too.<BR>3. He wants his cake and eat it too.<BR>4. He wants his cake and eat it too.<BR>5. If he ignores the content of your letter, it will go away (in his mind), and then he can want his cake and eat it too.<P>If you continue to communicate and fraternize and accommodate, he won't have any incentive to change his behavior. You drew your boundaries, right? Hang onto them like a pit bull. Focus on you. Do for you. Take care of you. Worry about you. If you can't stop concentrating on him, then pretend you are. Fake it til you make it. <P>Blessings,<BR>Nell <BR><P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck