Hi everybody! I've posted a few times in the recent past, but this will probably be my last one(unless a miracel happens). After 7 months of hell(really, hell couldn't be this bad), rollcoasters and some recent hope, I am now giving up. My wife and I were on the verge of divorce, one week before it was final, she called me to put it on hold, which I did. That was in May, and everything, for the most part, has been great. We were spending a lot of time together and enjoying it. She has lied to me a few times that I busted her in, I didn't get too upset. After all we've been through I wasn't going to over react to these minor deceptions(except telling her that I would not be in a relationship where I was being lied to). Our problems started because our marriage of 10 years had gotten in a rut, I will always believe that. We were broke and bored, I always believed better days were in front of us. I should have been doing a better job of creating those better days. Anyway, I talked her into getting a waitressing job. She didn't want to but we really needed the money. It was only suppose to be a 3 day a week job, just to help with some bills. At first she hated it and wanted to quit. I told her she could, I didn't want her to be unhappy. Then she got good at it and enjoyed it. I encouraged her to stick with it and maybe she could move up in the company, but only if she wanted to. I was nothing but supportive, in any direction she wanted to go. Then she made a bunch of new friends(at least 8-10 years younger), which was cool with me, I never wanted her to feel that she was on a chain. She began going out with them more and more and working more and more, while I was at home with the kids each night. Soon I realized I was loosing her but there was nothing I could do. By the time I knew things were getting bad, it was too late, things were much worse than I thought. She was already having an A with her manager. Well we seperated(me taking our 2 kids 6&2), and 5 months later we signed the papers(her A had already ended a month before we signed). We then started hanging out together, and having a pretty good time. A week before it was final she asked me to put it on hold. We've spent some very good quality times together, we were even plannig a family vacation for next month. She even gave our daughter some encourgement(which she never had in the past). Things were going good. She's been on prozac and seeing a counselor. Then she started lying again. She cancelled her doctor's appointment 3 weeks in a row. She claims he called and cancelled it(how many of you believe that would happen 3 weeks in a row?). No big deal, I really wasn't upset that she wasn't going, it just upsets me that she has to lie. One night she called me and asked if I wouldn't bring her the kids in the morning(like I've been doing for months), because she had a migrain and was taking something for it that would cause her to be too drowsy in the morning. I knew she was lying, I waited an hour and rode by her apartment. She wasn't there. She claims I just didn't see her car, but I rode by twice looking in every spot for her or her friends' car. I'm not blind, I'd like to believe her car was there and I just didn't see it, but I know better. The next day, I confronted her about it, she denied it. I blew it off, I didn't care if she went out, I cared that she was still lying to me. Since that point we've spent even more time together, we spent the night with each other many times. Early this week I had roses delievered to her work, which she always loved. So everybody in that wonderful f****** steak house knew we were still seeing each other. Yesterday I met her there to pick up my son. She put him in the car and we spoke for a few minutes. Before she walked off to go to work, I looked at her expecting her to give me a hug and a small peck kiss, just like always, but this time her punk friends(sorry, it's not their fault) were standing outside watching. She stated "I'm not going to kiss you with them outside, and don't get your panties in a wad!" This was hurtful and insulting that she's more concerned about what they think that my feelings. She should have been proud and happy to kiss me. I wasn't asking to make out or anything, just a simple kiss. She then gets mad at me for being upset and walks off. I heard her friends laughing in the background. As far as I'm concerned, that was the last straw. I will no longer compete against the OM, who she still works very close with(and she can't understand why that bothers me so much), I will no longer compete against the "Road Kill Grill" or her punk friends. I will no longer allow her to insult me, disrespect me or hurt me again. I called her voice mail that night and told her that in the morning I will be calling the lawyer to ask him to take it off hold. And that will be that, I will not call to put it back on hold and I will never consider marrying her again. She believes that I will always take her back, I'm nothing more than an old pair of shoes to her. I hate doing this, more than I can explain. The past month has really been nice, the times we've spent together made me believe that we would be back together one day soon. That is what has made it so hard this time, I'm not mad at her, I don't hate her, I love her and I remember why. But I can't take this anymore, she doesn't care enough for me to even kiss me in front of her friends or to even call me and apoligize or try to explain her actions. No this is hopeless. I haven't called the lawyer yet. I will wait until this afternoon. She will call me at somepoint today to find out where our son is(he's at mother's/fathers's day out). I guess I'll wait to see if she even mentions my message. She probably won't be too concerned about it, like I said she believes I will always take her back. Please say a prayer for me, for strength. I so very much do not want to call the lawyer, but it's something I have to do. And please pray for me that I will be happy again, right now, I'm pretty depressed. Thanks for everything, I wish I had found this site in Jan. at least I would've had something more to go on than my own ideas on how to save this marriage. It's just too late.... <P>p.s. sorry for the long post, it really didn't start that way.<p>[This message has been edited by kb4jb (edited July 06, 2001).]

kb4jb:<P>It is obvious she is still in the fog. Beyond the typical WS behavior, the constant deceit is an impediment that is hard to get over at this point.<P>While the MB philosophy is to not throw in the towel too soon, we are all human and have a limit to what is tolerable.<P>Yet, you have not done Plan B effectively. So you have a choice to make: to implement a full Plan B, or to pack it in and make the call. Only you can rightfully make that call. I just mention the full Plan B as an alternative, because beyond your pain and anguish, I still detect that the ol' love bank is not completely drained.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SeenTheLight:<BR><B> beyond your pain and anguish, I still detect that the ol' love bank is not completely drained.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Absolutely, I still love her with all my heart. And know she still loves me(in some weird way). But she will never think of me as anything more than that old pair of shoes that she can pick up and use then throw back in the closet when something new comes along. God, where did I go wrong? I would've done ANYTHING for her.<p>[This message has been edited by kb4jb (edited July 06, 2001).]

I second STL.<P>I'm not trying to speak for you or read your mind, but I think if you didn't maybe want to hear some onbjections to your plan, you would have posted AFTER you called the lawyer.<P>In any case, there is still something there, and I do think that you have plenty of room for a good Plan B, after you undo some of the LB'ing that leaving that message has no doubt caused. Take a little time to get yourself together and muster the courage and strength to take the correct step. Then, talk to her and show her that you still love her, that you're still a safe place for her, that your're not going to go through with the D yet, but then I would move to Plan B for YOU. There's no harm in this step... It's going to accomplish what you want, believe me... The time and effort you spend on yourself with give you clarity and take away the anger, etc. In the future, you'll be ready to try again, if she is willing, or move on, only then you will be able to do so without the anger and in a positive way. You owe it to yourself, really.<P>Just my opinion. Best to you, and take care of kb4jb,<P>-zen<p>[This message has been edited by zen (edited July 06, 2001).]

kb4jb:<P>Ditto zen's reply. Plan D is final and mostly irrevocable. Plan B gives you maneuvering room for the marriage and a chance to rebuild YOU. In either case, it is a win-win proposition. Something that Plan D is not.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SeenTheLight:<BR><B>kb4jb:<P>Ditto zen's reply. Plan D is final and mostly irrevocable. Plan B gives you maneuvering room for the marriage and a chance to rebuild YOU. In either case, it is a win-win proposition. Something that Plan D is not.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Could someone please explain Plan B? Is it no contact at all with the WS and focusing on yourself growing as an individual? I have read through most of this site, but it's so hard to stay focused and concentrate with everything going on in my mind that I can't really get a clear definition(also I have ADD, which make reading a lot a task sometimes). And I read this site from work, I don't have net access at home and I don't have much time here. If it is simply a no contact rule, I have 2 problems. My kids. They live with me, but usually stay with her during the day when I work and I get them back in the aftenoon when she goes to work. So I have contact with her twice a day.<P>Thanks again everyone! Maybe one day all of us BSs can get together and have one big A. Just kidding I'm trying to cheer myself up.<BR>

See Rick37's posts as to handling swapping the kids and handling plan B.<P>The purpose of Plan B is to provide a means for you to preserve your love for your spouse and to build yourself up.<P>There are examples of Plan B letters on this site, but not sure where exactly: I am sure someone here can point you to the right place.<P>Plan B will drive home the finality of her course of action. If she does not come out of her fog, you will have worked on YOU: a winning proposition. If she does come out of it and is willing to give the marriage 100 percent, incorporating the rules of honesty, care, protection and time, and to the meeting of emotional needs (as you will meet hers) it is also a winning proposition.<P>Divorce, on the otherhand, from personal experience, is final and emotionally devastating.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

kb4jb,<P>Don't call the lawyer, you don't want to do that, that is why you posted to us first.<P>You have been given some wonderful advice, take it. Someone will come up with a good Plan B defination for you.<P>I have a WH and I see him with a disease or an illness and that I still love him and that he needs me to make a safe place for him to be, it helps me deal with some of the hurt that he causes, it's his illness that makes him say and do the things that he does. Think of your wife in this way.<P>You have two very little children and you need to take them into consideration, with any decisions that you make for the future, do you like shuffling the kids back and forth twice a day? If you divorce that will be the rest of their lifes.<P>See if you can't get her away from the steak place, get her away from those friends, take her on that vacation fill up the love bank.<P>Just don't call the lawyer, Plan D is not what you want right now!<P>Dawn

KB, I disagree with the others.I understand there is only so much a person can take. Sooner or later you say, this is hopeless, Im not gonna be your door mat, and Im not gonna take your crap anymore. Thats exactly the point I reached last week when I filed for divorce. I didnt want it but its what I had to do. Sometimes I think you give it all you can but you reach a point where enough is enough. Does anyone really want to be in a loveless marriage with their spouse out screwing someone else. Here you are trying to meet their emotional needs. Trying to be a good spouse and parent and in return you get NO emotional support. How I long to hear the words I love you from my wife. However, I know she loves the OM because I have it on tape. While all these people are trying to help and I do appreciate their support, you have to decide whats best for you. I will say that sometimes you arent sure whats best for you but we have to live with our decisions. I know I tried the plan A stuff and it didnt work. I dont have the patience or wherewithall to put up with her crap. By the way this is her second A in 5 years, She has advised me she doesnt want to work on the marriage and refuses to go to counselling. Sometimes Ithink you need to say Well it was a nice run while it lasted-14 yrs. for me-

daybreak: I wish I could get her away from that resturant and her great new friends. But it's the only job that she has ever liked and felt good about working at. It gives her too much happiness to even suggest leaving. I wish I would've asked her to leave when our marriage was more important. I know it was hurting us and I just let it go, thinking she would come out of it. I hate myself for asking her to get that job, encouraging her to stay with it and for not asking her to leave when I could've. I know much of what has happened to us would've happened anyway, but that place and the people working there were the catalyst. Her asperations are to be a manager. Does anybody know how much a resturant manager makes a year? I don't. I'm just wondering if it's enough to throw your family away for. Also if she ever does make manager, her time with the children(which is already very limited) will be cut in half. What in the world is more important/rewarding than raising your children? I'd quit my job in a heatbeat to stay at home and keep the kids all day.<P>Austin: I understand exactly what you're saying. I've reached this point a few times, but each time she has pulled me back. And it happened again, a few hours ago. I was ready to call the lawyer and take the D off hold. I really didn't think she wouldn't even call to find out if I did or not. But she did call and ask me why I had to do this and she asked me not to. Unfortunately that's all I needed, I do feel weak, mainly(I think) because I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I still love her so much and remember so well our happiness and believe in our future. I don't think she would stop me for any other reason than that she loves me. She already knows I would take care of her financially for the kids(even though they live with me most of the time), I would help her with her work schedule so she could provide for the kids.<P><BR>Funny thing about this(to me) is that she is the one who "fell out of love", she is the one who cheated, she is the one who turned her back on me, our marriage and our children(as well as the rest of her family and all her old friends). Yet she is the one who wasn't sure she wanted a divorce in the first place, she is the one who called to ask and put the divorce on hold and she is the one who called to stop me today. She obviously believes in us deep down, I just wish she believed in doing more about us.<P>I think everybody was correct in saying that I wanted objections to my plan or I would've called the lawyer before posting. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's why I didn't call the lawyer first thing this morning, that and I was hoping she would call. I was looking for a way out of ending my marriage.<P>She doesn't want to end things, but she isn't too open to commitment right now. I'm having great problems with this. She claims she isn't dating anyone and that she doesn't even have any offers, but I don't think this is the time to be exploring other options.<P>Well thanks everbody for your advice. I still don't know how to deal with my current situation. But I'm going to keep trying.<p>[This message has been edited by kb4jb (edited July 06, 2001).]

Kb I hear you. I waited until 4pm to go to atty office to sign the papers. I love my wife very much but she twice in one week asked for a divorce, told me she didnt want to work on her marriage, told me she loved me but wasnt in love with me. I could go on and on. She hasnt said she doesnt want a divorce, says she thinks a divorce would be best for the kids, and she hasnt grasped reality at all. I just got sick and tired after discovery in April. There was no end in site.

kb, <BR>Your situation is something like mine.<P>My wife started working for a new company 1 1/2 ago, met new people, then started a EA with OM. That's where I'm at now. She states that she does not know what to do about us. I have to give plan A a try, but it gets tougher and tougher every week. She still works there. She told me she won't quit so I don't know what's going to happen with us. <BR>Sometimes I thing she is tring to have me make a move so that she does not look like the bad guy. I don't know. <P>I know where your coming from though. I like to pack it in and say GET OUT, YOU HAVE NOT TRIED TO WORK ON US, but I need to think of the big picture. I have two small ones, and even though my W is in this funk, I still love her and need to try.<P>Good Luck