This i smy first post. I dont know exactly where to begin, it seems like such a long story.<P>We have been married for 8 years now and we are a very communicative couple. I have been aware of h's "cybering" and honestly does not bother me. A few years ago, I noticed a certain name being repeated in his emails and his chats (I would sometimes come in and check out who he was talking to). As this person started to become more frequent, I started to do more watching. I noticed a couple photos (not nudes) and some saved emails. So over the course of about 2 years, they had become friends. H and I use an instant messenger at work and ow started talking to him thru this as well. I started to become jealous of this friendship that also involved late nite cybering. I found out that when H went away on a business trip, H called ow one night using a pre paid calling card. They had phone "chat". I was already becoming very concerned about this friendship and I found out about the call from an email that she had sent to him after. So after a confrontation and a long talk they stopped communication. I felt guilty then too.<P>Well three years later, she shows up again concerned because of an earthquake we had earlier this year. (By the way: she live 3,000 miles away) They started talking again. No one asked what I thought, but I rolled with it anyway. Three years is a long time and some things have changed so I thought maybe I would feel different. Well I didnt. I became more and more upset and freaked out. Recently I found her cell number taped to his work monitor. I confronted her first and she denied talking to him at all (I still cant prove that they talked on the phone) but then ow immediately emailed him and he called me and wanted to know what was up. So after a week of H brooding at me for some reason, we had a long talk and has vowed to not speak to her anymore. I know H loves me but now I feel terrible. I feel like I'm the bad guy and he is giving up something for me. Am I over reacting? OW just gives me a bad feeling. And when H was in communicato with OW, H was just different, happier in a weird sort of way. I know it was just fantasy but they talked like friends and sex partners. I feel threatened. Was this infidelity? Does anyone have any advise on this? We have discussed this hours on end but just dont agree i guess. Should I be worried? Thank you for any help you can give me,<P>Yin worried about yang<BR>

Not agreeing on this would be common. He'd think there was nothing wrong with it. However, the bottom line is, it is inappropriate.<P>I'd encourage you to read the concepts found on this site. Go to the home page, find articles, and read about how affairs start. You'll see that what your H is doing is how they start. It is common for a spouse to claim nothing is wrong with their behavior because they may not have been intimate, but filling each others emotional needs, like they are doing, is wrong, and dangerous.<P>Something is usually wrong with a marriage if someone has to have a "friend" like this. I'd work on meeting your Hs ENs. Go to Just Found Out forum, and look for a post from NSR or OneGoing to find links to all the important info on here.<P>I'm glad you found this site. Whatever the "friend" is doing to meet some of your H needs, you can start doing. Plan A is about that.<P>You are not the bad guy. You are reacting correctly, and have valid concerns.<P>I'd suggest getting the books Surviving An Affair, and His Needs/Her Needs, from this site. They will help you alot. If your H can participate, that would be good.<P>I wish you the best.<P>

Learn all you can now and begin a plan of action. 2 and 1/2 years ago my H started looking at those porno web-sites a little - just out of curiosity. That's the first time in being married 5 years at that point that anything pornographic came into our marriage. I pitched a royal fit and put an end to that. Then last year, I cought some sneaky stuff on-line where he had started chatting with some girls/women he met playing card games on-line - led to e-mailing in secret - and then swapping phone numbers. grrrr... pitched a fit about that. I should've caught on by then. duh... He swore to never do anything like that again. Well, 8 weeks ago, a friendship he had through work became more than friendship, and they had an A. He's moved out now, and our whole marriage has come crashing down around us. grrr.... I wish I could go back in time and do something different when those other two internet things happened. But the clock doesn't go backwards.<P>So, please do something about your situation now. Read and learn, post and ask questions. You will get some very wise advice from some folks here.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

Welcome to MB, read all the materials that are here and ask questions of the board. There are lots with great advice.<P>In my book what you describe is infedelity, I am not sure if it fits websters defination, but it does mine.<P>My own background, H has known OW for 23 years, spoke with over the years, seen maybe 5 times in all those years. H was on a remote assignment for a year and started communicating with "Old friend" over the computer, came home told me about communication, it got to be more and more and over the phone also. He was sharing a part of himself with her that was not there to be shared with me, he said that we wouldn't have talked about the same things, H seen her in Jan 01 came home and said he wanted a divorce, said that he has never been unfaithful to me, ok so he didn't have sex with her but he was not faithful in his marriage vows to me. It is called an EA (Emotional affair) there is a whole section here on those, they are the hardest for people to get over, it is like an illness, there is an addiction to the other person.<P>There will be others that will jump on your thread and welcome you and give you wonderful advice, mine to you at this time is no that you are not alone and read, read, read. The more you know, the better you will become.<P>Best wishes, Dawn

yinandyang<P><BR>I have some experience dealing with Internet affairs. Here's a link to my short story.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html</A> <P>This is definitely infidelity. Infidelity is when emotional and/or sexual energy is going outside of the marriage. If you yourself have never been involved in a relationship over the Internet it may be hard to understand how real and involved it can be.<P>You have been gave been given good input by the others so far so I will not repeat it. <P>One thing I would suggest is that you, hopefully with your husband’s consent, install tracking software on his computer. This will keep a record of any email or chat that goes on (www.iopus.com).<P>My husband has agreed to give up all chat, installed the software and given me the passwords to his email, chat and computers. This is his way of protecting me from future reoccurrences. It is also determent for him.<P>Keep posting here. There is a lot of support from a lot of very good people.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

y&y:<P>I am zorweb's husband. Affairs via the Internet, speaking from personal experience, are an easy trap to fall into. For the most part, they start out innocently enough. Just chat. In many cases, they go far, far beyond the exceptable bounds.<P>The bottom line is this: any activity that takes emotional energy or sexual energy outside of the marriage constitutes, in my opinion, an affair.<P>So, admit it or not, that is what your H is currently caught up in.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL