Plan B is in the works. My WH comes home to do his paperwork in his office at our house. He makes the morgage payment even though he lives with OW.When I send him the plan B letter, should I ask him to move his business office elsewhere even though he pays all the morgage, my car payment, insurance and gas?<P>I was just going to tell him to do his business at certain times through the week so I could be sure to be out.Now I'm wondering about him just moving it out.<P>I don't know what to do. What do you think?

Well, I vote out. He's either a "fixture" in the home, or he's not. He has house priviledges, or he doesn't. I think you want to draw your boundary, whatever you choose, in neon paint. Keep your choices as simple as possible--yes or no, white or black, right or left, in or out. Just MHO. <P>Nell <P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck

Do you have a separation agreement? Is he bound by the agreement to pay the things he's paying?<P>I'm with Nell to a point. What's the likelihood he'll retaliate to hurt you financially if you ask him to move his ofice? You'd be a lot safer with a binding separation document.<P>WAT

We have no separation agreement. He has legal rights to the home for the first year of separation. It's been less than 5 months.<BR>I do fear that he will stop paying for these things if he gets angry about the plan B letter. Unfortunately, I am unable to cover these expenses until I get another job. Maybe I should wait with my plan until I can afford everything on my own?

Maezy,<P>I was in the same situation. I was in Plan B and my exH, although living elsewhere, continued to come to our home to use the home office. My advice is that it is counterproductive to Plan B. First - we kept running into each other while going and coming. That is a from of unnecessary contact that hinders Plan B's effectiveness. Secondly, I began to notice signs of him "snooping" through my things, and I really began to resent this. He was out there "doing his thing" openly with the OW, and yet he was checking up on me!<P>Before I filed for D, I found out that he had taken money from our joint savings account (without my knowledge or consent - I'm talking thousands of dollars here!) and bought a houseboat for him and the OW to live on. He also made a loan against his retirement plan for over $40K, without me knowing this, while we were still married. During the divorce period, he continued to use the house office. I ended up with the house in the divorce settlement. He did ask me if he could continue to use the house office for a period of another 4-6 months, as there was no telephone line for the houseboats at their marina, but supposedly the marina would be putting lines in. I reluctantly said yes, as I am not a vindictive person, and I truly didn't want to hurt or inconvenience him. I also continued to store all of his stuff at my home, because he didn't have anyplace for it at the marina.<P>You know what, I did it for over 2 months, and I was more and more uncomfortable with it. Why? My exH was having NO CONSEQUENCES to any of his actions. I discussed this with my counselor: Here I am - divorced from this person and STILL carrying the load and protecting him from the negative consequences of his actions. I made the resolve to call him and tell him he needed to make other arrangements. I gave him a 3 week notice. I told him I would be on vacation out of state in 3 weeks and he had free reign to go into the house and move his stuff and I didn't even care if the OW came into my house to help him. I told him simply that I meant him no harm and wasn't trying to cause him any problems, but that this situation was not working FOR ME. That was the only thing I said. <P>He got his stuff out 3 weeks later. I have no idea how he manages to do his work - he needs telephone, fax and computer access, buy hey - that is HIS problem to solve - not mine. And guess what - he is still working, so he ended up finding some way to do it. I believe he may have rented storage to keep his belongings that don't fit onto his 2 room houseboat. So, there was another problem he was able to solve without me having to do it.<P>Please remember that purposes of Plan B. There are several. One is to protect the remaining love that you have for your S. Another is to begin to focus on you and your needs and to help prepare you for living alone if the affair does not end and the marriage is ended. Another purpose of Plan B is to allow the WS to feel the consequences of his or her actions. How will his life be if you are no longer in the picture? Will this make the WS happy or will the WS miss you terribly and want to try to work to restore the marriage?<P>My understanding of the continuation of affairs during marriage is this: both the BS and the OP are each meeting some of the needs of the WS. Many people here refer to this as the WS having the "best of both worlds", as often the BS and the OP are furiously knocking themselves out to "win" the exclusive love of the WS. Maybe this explains why the WS feels love for both people (Mature, comfortable love for the BS and new, exciting "in-love" feelings for the OP). This is why many WS's "fence-sit". Why should they "choose" and give up a "good thing"???? Why give up one adoring and loving person, when the WS can have two adoring and loving persons??? Moral issues aside, many WS's love the attention and do everything possible to keep the triangle going. Just read the stories on this board - the lies, the deciet - anything to keep the triangle going! I even asked my exH during the affair period, and he virtually said to me that he didn't like the stress he was causing both of us (me and the OW), but he just didn't want to "choose" and frankly, both the OW and I were letting him continue without having to choose, because we were both still available to him.<P>OK, sorry, I'm long-winded here this morning, in typical RMA fashion! My point is - Plan B should be allowing your H to SEE, FEEL and TRULY EXPERIENCE what life without you will be like. This is time for the OW to have her chance to meet ALL of your H's needs. If she can, he will move forward with that relationship, and your marriage will most likely be over. If she can not, then this is the impetus your H will have to turn around and REALLY see what he almost lost. This experience gives some WS's the oomph they need to see the affair and the affair partner as not so ideal, and that for them, the marriage partner is the better choice.<P>Plan B is not to be undertaken lightly. There is the chance, as in my case, the WS will just go off and be with the OW (she became his wife immediately after our divorce). Yet, some WS's DO come back and work with the BS to build a fulfilling and loving marriage. Go to the recovery site and see that this is true. Of course, others, like me, end up divorced, because the WS choose not to ever want to work on the marriage.<P>I opt for as kindly and matter of factly as possible, giving your H notice to find an alternative site for his office. I recommend that you do NOT brainstorm and help him troubleshoot his problem. Make no suggestions for where he could go and who might help him. Let him worry about that. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. Use your time and energy on rebuilding your own life and happiness. The end results of Plan B will be revealed to you in time.<P>One other thing - I counseled with Steve H during this time - the Plan A time and the Plan B time beginning. You might want to consider doing this as well, if you aren't already doing so.<P>Wishing you the very best!!! <P>Desiree <P>PS. My exH was also paying the bills - we just ended up separating the finances and bills, so that made things alot easier, and I paid my own bills. For anything jointly owed, he mailed me a check for his portion and I paid the bill- or you could mail him the check)<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Thanks for your replies. I can see that it is best for me to cut off all ties, including his office in our home. I still have the problem of not being able to pay these expenses myself. I already pay half the bills and adding these others is just not possible. I plan on taking a course in the that ends in June 2002. At that time I should be able to get a job that will allow me to pay everything. Should I ask WH to move his office out and pay everything until then?<BR>I think he might do it.

MAEZY,<P>Do not put in a financial crisis, by any means. Before doing this, you might want to sit down and figure out the various scenarios: what if he agrees to pay and later does not? This actually happened to me. ThenH was using the house and agreed to pay half of utilities and then reneged. You have to know how you are going to be able to handle any and all situations before they arise.<P>He might agree to leave and agree to financially help you and really do it.<P>He might agree to leave, and say he'll pay and then doesn't.<P>He might agree to leave and tell you upfront since he's leaving he isn't paying.<P>He might refuse to leave.<P>What resources are available to you in all of these circumstances? How would you handle it financially is he divorced you? Think through the scenarios and assess your resources before you do anything. <P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Thanks Desiree<P>You make sense and I will take some time to think through all posibilities so I am prepared.

Maezy:<P>About the only thing I can add to Desiree's Dissertation (well done, D!) is that you should consult with an attorney about his obligations, even when separated.<P>You will probably need a legal document to protect you before you can implement Plan B effectively.<P>Until then, perhaps you can do a Plan B minus. Start working on the YOU parts of Plan B, begin the process of working to protect your remaining love (if it still exists), but while also increasing incrementally the environment of making him feel the consequences of his actions.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL