Dear ScaredINY, I read your post.I've had a real bad day. Maybe a bad week. My Doctor switched my anti-depressnts and theses new ones are not working. The other ones made me lose weight, so does this one but this one makes me sleep alot. My doc was worried that i wasn't sleeping enough, well i have been. And i have 4 kids to take care of and this isn't helping either. I need to go back on the other stuff. i was more even keeled for about 3 weeks, but soon as i stopped taking thme, bam! i'm back to flip flop attitude. Where do i start?about my day,week, life? HA! Yes i'm trying to make a joke. Ok, let me see....H and I have not had a very good marriage, great sex, yes that area no problem. Other areas, we both Get an "F" in. We've been together since Sept.1987. We married in Feb.1990. We have 3 boys and 1 girl. This sounds so strange but we both wanted and still want the same thing from each other. Go figure! to be each other's best friend and to love each other for who we really are. LOts of no communication on both parts, hurt feelings until finally I shut down on God,kids,and my H. He got fed up and went looking for love again. I've known since Feb. that he was up to something not good. His whole life drastically changed. He wanted to go to bars with friends more you name it. I was sooo not prepared for what was going to happen next.Is anyone ever???? oh by the way, did i forget to mention that i was not a good wife at all? naggy,and i tore him down alot. When i personally think of what I did to the man i cry. Because noone should be treated like i treated him. ANyhow, back to my saga. On April 1st, my H told me flat out that he had no love for me. He was going to move out and that he would be filing for divorce! I sat there and went a what???? He said that I had hurt him so much that i could never win his heart back. but that I could try but that it woouldn't work. I literally hit rock bottom. I cried and creid it was horrible, but it was an opportunity for God to come in. I almost took my life that night,. I'm serious, i had the bottle of pills and i almost did it. except for the grace of God on my life and my girlfirensd who would not stop callling me all night long to make sure i was still alive i don't know how i could have made it. Long story?? I'm a writer by nature, something i wish to pursue much more. Its my passion. Anyhow, God flat out told me that I, yesme single handidly tore my house down. PArt two coming.

Part two. I know this is long but you asked and i kinda wanted to give you the jist of whats going on. Not only did I find a cave for my H,(All men have caves, a place they go for comfort and to zone out from us and pressures of the world), but I even decorated it for him and pushed him in and i tried to force my way back in. well, I decided i had better make some changes real quick. And boy did i ever!! i wasn't perfect by any means. My h was still doing his thing and all. And Yes i made sure we had the most passionate sex ever! even though i knew full well he was with OW. It was hard but i blocked it out. I figured i"d better do whatever i could to win him back, and if he still ended up leaving, i knew in my heart that i'd done my part. It was so very hard for me.I took all the emotional and mental abuse from him. I figured i'd had it coming since i was so mean and spiteful to him. I completely turned around my attitude and you name it i either did it or changed it. Finally, he had gone out and i found out where he was. I din't even knock but i just walked right in the house! Ilooked at him and said your coming home with me,grab your stuff. He was so embarrassed. He was like i'm not going with you. And i'm like then i'll get are 2 kids from my truck and we'll just stay until your done. He was drinknig with some friends.I walked into thier living room and there was another woman there. Now i was pissed off. The man of the house was like this is not what it looks like. I saod, my H has been doing this to me for a long long time. And i'm damn tired of it. I tild my H that he should be glad we aren't in a bar right now because there would be glasses flying everywhere!He came home with me and put the kids to bed and we had the most outright hateful fights ever. He spewed forth everything he could to hurt me and all i did was cry and pray to God. I told him that God still loved him and would some day use him again. He said that God couldn't forgive him for what he had done. I said soo you think what you did was worse than the sin that i did to you??? I told him that I was so sorry that I had hurt him so much to push him away. And that Idf i could take back everything i've said or did i would, but I can't. I can't take your pain away, But I can change our future. He wantedc to go bback to the party but i stood right in front of him. He yelled that he hated me and wanted out . I said fine, you can pack your things tomorrow, but tonight you will sleep here. Your too drunk. Hw ewas like why are you doing this to me? I'm like i only love you and if you have to rock bottom in order for you to wake up from this so be it. But I will be here for you when you reach that point. He's like i'm going to bed. I wa sok i'm coming to, He was like no your not. I was like well. your still my h so wheerver you sleep i sleep, end of conversation.Part 3 next.

Yes there really is a part three. HA!!! Things weer up and down until june. I had to know the truth from him. i finally placed his bible in front of him and asked him calmly. Wil you do something for me? Put your hand on your bible and swear to God that you did not cheat on me??? He could not do it and thats when I knew for sure. I started crying and i left the room. He followed me and we talked or he talke and i cried. he didn't want to actually say it, until that night. I made him tell me. I told him thats the least i deserve. he asked why can't we just move on? i don't want to talk about it? I said i need to hear you say it from your own lips that you slept with another woman. You made love love to someone other than me. He finally boke down and said it.I was crying and shaking i just about wanted to kill myself again, even though i knew it was a shocker.H e waslike oh God Jen!! what hev i done to you? to us? I'm so sorry. Please forgive me? how could i have hurt you so much? He literally had to hold me and say Jen wake up ! PLease Don't shut me out again! please say you'll give me another chance. Don't throw us away because of this. Thinkng about it now i start to cry again. I have never seen him this broken before. He said alot more as well. Then we had our first Session with Steve and the rest of the story came out. Of which thats why i'm having a more hard time wioth. I can't seem to let go of it yet. The other person lives in our town. And i'm afraid that i'll end up runnung into her or worse yert he'll run into her. He sayd its been over since the end of April. Which i checked his phone records and he's not lying. unless he's calling her from a new phone. But i don't have the check inside me that i had before. So, i to i letb it go????? the hurt?? anger???

PaytonRose--<P>As I read your story, I thought WOW! I have a twin....so many similarities...<P>How do you let go of the pain and the hurt? was your question. Here is a post I have posted recently...it is not the beginning of my story, nor will it be the end...but I hope it will give you some place to start...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010682.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010682.html</A> <P>If you want to research my story, I started as InShockInCali, then became StrongerInCali, and now am JustPlainCali...reason for the name change is another long story...<P>As you plan A, change and become stronger, you will see your hurt and anger lessen...not go away, but lessen. As I've read the stories of those in recovery, the pain is not 'gone,' but is rather like an echo...you remember it, but don't 'feel' it.<P>Take care,<BR>Cali