Had some running to do last night and noticed that my H called while we were gone. I called him back to see if anything was wrong. He called alot earlier than his usual time.<BR>Anyway....I had something weighing on my mind all day. I talked to my brother...who I don't talk to often enough....and he told me that he saw my H and the OW driving around out by my sisters house just shortly after he left this last time. He didn't know what the OW or her car looked like but when he described them...he had them both down to a T.<BR>This is the first REAL evidence that we've had that proves he's been seeing her.<BR>My FIL and I both asked him to be honest with us.....and he lied right to our faces. Saying he wasn't talking to her and he hadn't seen her outside of work. <BR>(and he says his dad owes him an apology???????????)<P>Anyway......I decided to ask him about it. I was calm cool and collected....he finally admitted it. Said she wanted to take him out for his B-Day as a friend only. This is after he told us that he didn't want to have anything to do with her....because she was a liar. He said he lied about it because he knew how we would react to it. DUH!!!!<BR>I told him that now he was never going to be able to convince his parents that he wasn't doing anything with her....and he didn't seem to care.<BR>In this whole conversation somewhere he got very angry and started telling me again that he couldn't stand to be around me......and the reason was because of the way I acted when he came home last time. Always wanting to know where he was....nagging him about things. He went on to tell me that when he gets his 401K money that he would be filing for divorce and that I could either make it easy or hard.<BR>His main reason for saying he wanted a divorce was that he didn't love me anymore and if he decided to go on a date he wouldn't feel like he was cheating on me. A little late for that.<BR>He seemed to go back and forth....being angry and being nice. He said that he didn't think that we would ever work out because neither one of us seems to want to change. Where he got that from I do not know.....I've changed alot just since he left. He doesn't see it.<BR>He also said......only time will tell. If we are meant to be together.....then time will tell.<BR>We start to see some of my old H when he hasn't been around her for a bit.....but we can now tell when he has spent time with her. He's distant.<P>I am almost absolutely positively sure that he WILL file for divorce.....he truly wants out.<P>

Miss Priss,<BR>sorry you are going through all this. I have been reading alot of your posts, and your H seems to use the "same threat" and say the same mean things to you, over and over.<BR>I dont know about the state you live in, But here in CA, any 401K while done during the marriage is community property. In other words, it is half yours. If he does take it out and use it for "D" you will be responsible to pay half the tax (401K's taken out early , before age 55 are subject to high tax and penalities). with that being said. half should be your to do with as you need. Do you have any idea when, he actually plans on taking this out?, you yourself, may need legal counsel. I know you do not want a "D", but he is in a MAJOR FOG, and he is the king of LB. he needs a slap of reality here. (I am no way a MB expert, dont understand alot of it). I just get hurt for you when I read your posts, and I dont feel ANYONE should continually get threaten with their futures and livelyhoods, be lied too, and be treated so badly. WE all have made the mistakes that brought our marriages to the point that they are. BUT we are all adults, FOG or not, and we have to live with the consequences of our actions. there are children involved and they need stable enviorments and parents...OK dad is out in LALA fog land...BUT he does NOT nor should he take everyone down with him...unless we allow it. I dont think my opinion, is a proper MB one, BUT your posts always tug at my heart. I will let the experts tell you what you should do...BUT I would get legal councel, maybe file seperation ( NOT "D") to protect your assets, and the well being of your children. It may not be the MB thing to do BUT it is smart. you could reassure H that you love him that you DO NOT WANT D, but the constant threats, and your fears, you had to protect the children....separation is NOT a D, that has to be filed separatly...OK MB experts what o you all think???...I never needed this my H A, was over before it started.

MP...<P>Same ole, huh? The bottom line is that your H is very predictable. Watch his patterns closely, I have. He only reacts negatively when he is caught, and then, in order to make himself feel better, and absolve himself of the guilt, he threatens the big D. He is still in the fog, he still lies to you and family. He at least now admits when he does something wrong, when confronted, but is totally embarrassed. He covers his embarrassment, but pointing fingers at everyone else and demanding apologies because they dont *understand or accept* him. That is difficult to do when you spend most of your waking hours lying to yourself and everyone around you. <P>You did not LB...he did. You were only honest in confronting him with the truth. As far as the 401K money? First of all, Cross is correct, the penalties are enormous for early withdrawal, and he owes you half of whatever is there after he pays the taxes. I doubt that what is left over is enough to pay for a divorce, especially a contested one ...Just a hint!! But to be honest, the threats all ring of emptiness and an attempt to back you off the real subject. If he wants to go on a date, then yes, he needs to be divorced, but seeing that he is left with not much of anything, hes not such a prime catch...LOL. (sorry, that was off track...) Anyway, it does sound, as I watch your situation, she has her hooks in him pretty deep, but I believe with the proper Plan A, and the fact that he keeps getting seen and embarrassed all over town, her control over him is weakening. Sooner or later, the *real* OW is gonna begin to show and she will be the one LBing as she tries to reassert her control. Hang in there!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

((((( Miss Priss ))))))<P>AUGH!! I still want to slap that H of yours! He is being so cruel and mean and doesn't seem to care. <P>From what you've written, it looks like he only wants a D so that he won't feel guilty about seeing the OW. He isn't thinking about the girls.. but that's been obvious for a long time now (sigh!).<P>Don't think he hasn't noticed your changes. He obviously has, or else he wouldn't have had his 'nice' times towards you.<P>He's just angry that he's been found out, AGAIN! That's hurt him, so he's lashing out to you. <P>I'm wondering if you think it might be time for plan B now? That mixture of plan B and tough love worked for many of us on here, it might be the way for you to go too. If he wants his D, then show him what it will really be like without you in his life. Give him his 'space'. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself (legally AND emotionally). Where do you think you need to be now? (give it a couple of days to answer this though... just in case your emotions are running your head right now).<P>Take care,<BR>Karen<BR>

Trueheart,<BR>you are correct...IF HE PAYS the tax when he takes it out.<BR>you dont have to, some companies allow you to deal with the IRS, after they give you the lump sum. in other word...MR> FOG LAND could take the money out, spent it all, and he AND miss priss would be libel for the taxes and penalities. THAT is why I suggested her getting legal counsel. MY XBIL did this to my sister (JERK) he took out the 401 K, spent it on vacation, and drugs...and he AND MY sister were libel for the TAX and penalities..it did not matter that she got a judgement in D that HE be responsible for the tax debt, the IRS harrassed my sister, till my parents and I helped her...the IRS, does NOT care..if you are married...you both are responsible period. You need to protect yourself PERIOD. Love is wonderful and trying to save your marriage<BR>is noble (what my sister wanted to do), But XBIL went to far, and then she wanted out. Then XBIL came crying take me back (after he went through all THEIR money), My sister makes a better income than he. Footnote: after 2 years, they are in counseling and he has gone through rehab, and they may make a go of it (they have a child). hopefully it will work for them. Commuity laws are different in different states...BUT federal tax law is not...check into it...

I have to leave to go to work, but I wanted to send some big<BR>[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] your way.<P>Listen to MyCross and trueheart!<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>