My H has been in a good mood and very positive today. He's been nice to me and actually acted like the old "H" that I miss so much. However, does this mean he's contacted the OP? I'm so confused sometimes because I think his negativity and WD are directly related to either his lack of contact with the OP or his missing of her. Help?

Good question. My W has also been in a good mood lately, and it has me worried. I felt better when she seemed depressed.<P>sad dad

It means they are not stressed. Could be cause things are smooth with op, could be cause they are realizing the op is trouble. Could be cause they are apreciateing you more. Or a combination of things. MY advice, ignore the highs and the lows, continue to plan a, with goal to get counselling going, and rules of protection in place, then working on marriage....rest is just..um... well..... nice but unimportant.

It indeed could mean that they are happy and positive because their EN's are being fulfilled by the OP again. Don't think about it, though. As best as you can, don't think about it, and use his good spirits to make it easier for him to love you. Plan A as hard as you can now, because it will most likely be more effective than at other times.

I guess I'm still confused since the OP lives overseas and whenever things were good with them before d-day, he was even more miserable at home. Ever since d-day, he's been basically MISERABLE and NEGATIVE...if he is or has had contact with the OP, why would he appear positive about our relationship?

Don't worry about it too much. From what you just said, it is more likely that he isn't in contact with her. You might just be reading too deeply into his state of mind. Or you could be covering what you fear and know with what you hope.<P>Regardless, don't think about it. Happy & Positive is a good thing! Fly with it!!

Have you asked him why he's in such a good mood? I'd suggest saying something to him about how great it is to see him feeling good, and if there's anything inparticular that made him that way.... because if it's something you did, you want to do it more! <P>Karen<BR>

Dear GM, I don't trust my H or his emotions at all. I do fear his happiness is not because of me but I'm not sure it's because of OP either. I just don't know. <P>Topie, I may take your advice and ask him but I'm scared to hear what he might say.

Terrified...<P>I don't want to add to your fears or concerns...but as a male WS coming out of an EA, I would strongly suspect that there was some contact in some form or fashion with the OP.<BR>I am speaking from experience.<P>Just out of curiosity...regardless of your religious background or practices...has your husband gone through a period of deep remorse over what he did to you? And that can sometimes be confused with the deep pain he may have felt with going through the withdrawl period as well.<P>If you believe in your heart he has gone through a period of withdrawl...and a period of remorse (repentance)...then hopefully...you are seeing signs of genuine recovery. Not sure how long contact has been broken with him...or who long the involvement lasted....but you have good reason to be suspiscious. Don't feel guilty for feeling that way.<P>Good luck....

Dear LH, He's been going through what I would call severe WD for the last 2 1/2 months (d-day was April 2). On the issue of remorse, no, he has not expressed any remorse for his actions. Based on your experience, to what would you attribute his sudden happiness and positivity towards me? Is he trying to sweep everything under the rug?

terrified~<P>My husband also went through major withdrawal. Like your husband whenever contact with ow he was really mean at home. I believe your husband is almost or is through withdrawal. Tell me this does he smile and laugh more. Is he concerned about you and your feelings? If yes, then that is great!!!!! <P>As time went on my husband felt guilty for the pain he caused. He showed remorse and has said things without being promted, such as he is glad I am still with him, he worries I will still leave. <P>It takes time even when the withdrawal is ending to forgive themselves what they did.<P>I truly believe you are well into recovery. Enjoy your husband and yourself.<P>Judy

Dear BH, He is smiling and laughing more...suggesting more...I'm not sure he's concerned with my feelings so much yet. However, he actually attempted to do dishes yesterday. Up until now, he's acted like a sloppy roommate with no respect for me whatsoever. I don't want to express any false hopes...fear is getting the better of me because until he makes a verbal commitment to recovery, I will never trust his actions.

well...T....<P>I'll be honest with you. Speaking from my own personal experience...<P>The relationship that I developed with another woman...started out as a friendship...met some very deep emotional needs in my life at that time...She is/was a very likeable person...not some 'sleeze' that is often portrayed here of "OP's". When the emotinal ties run as deep as they did in my case...it can become like an...'addiction'. And there are very few 'highs' in this world that I have experienced that can equal the one I got from being with this person. <P>And most experts and and even 'addicts' will tell you...that they 'seem" to function better when they have had their 'fix'. I hate to think that was my case...but I am familiar with that line of thinking and feeling. When I am down and missing her...I don't feel like I can think straight...I hear from her or talk to her...and the elation is incredible...life is good...and I feel like I can function and carry on like a 'normal' person. And like most 'highs'...they don't last...and you 'crash'...then need another 'fix'.<P>That is a pretty simplistic explanation of the cycle. I still hesitate to liken another person as to some 'fix'. But the emotional highs are certainly there.<P>On the other hand...as much as an emotional roller coaster as these ordeals can be...your husband may actually have some 'good days'...where he feels like he might 'come out' of his ordeal..and is glad to still have you there. His elation maybe genuine.<P>Some men would like to 'sweep things under the rug' and put it behind them and move on...just don't want to deal with their 'failure'. Men are often more successful at 'compartmentalizing' their thoughts and emotions.<P>If he has been in contact with the other woman...as painful as this may be to hear...the joy and excitment in doing so may be more than enough to alter his mood...and actually propel him to come back home and be the husband he knows he needs to be. Sort of like the drinker who knows if he could just get a little 'buzz' from a beer or two...he can play softball so much better or be a better lover...or whatever.<P>Sadly...that is not the kind of boost he or anyone needs...to work on their marriage.<P>Karen (topie) had some good advice about at least acknowedgeing to him...that you recognize his spirits are lifted...and you are glad and want to know how you can keep that up. Especially if he has been down for some time.<P>Again...I don't want to solidfy your suspicions...but you have every right to be 'guarded'. I hope this helps some.

Hi Terrified. Did you ask your H why as Topie suggested? Why he is feeling good? As Topie said, if you helped, you want to do that more.<P>I am sorry your H is not in remorse. But maybe things are getting better. Maybe just maybe he is seeing the light. Or beginning to?<P>Communication is key to getting things back together so rather than let this eat you up, ask what is making him so happy. It could lead to a good conversation finding what kind of things do make him happy and hopefully he will ask you, too.<P>I don't want to be a Pollyanna when you are in such pain but I sure hope his fog will lift soon. Take care. Hugs.

Hi Freshstart, If I ask him why he is happy, how will I know if he's telling the truth? He's called me at work several times today just because and he's talked to me about things he generally hasn't shared with me in a very long time. If he's had any contact with the OP that would prompt this behaviour, I'm scared to find out. Underneath it all, after everything he's said to me about not being in love with me anymore, I don't believe in my heart that he's happy because of me.

It means confusion. You wonder if happy because of OW or myself. Under the circumstances now, I feel H is happy with less stress, and the caring and love I am showing him. He gives me hints all the time on what would make his day better. I LOVE IT! Only thing is I need a pad of paper attached to my body at all times, or a tape recorder. I sometimes come home and write them on a card index and sometimes I forget. This is music to my ears to hear these words come out of my H. I am asking GOD for a computer in my head to quickly type the message.

Terrified, I'm sorry to learn H says he doesn't love you.<P>At one point during my A, I thought I was in love with both OM and H. I was very confused. This is just not possible but think in my mind I justified the A by telling myself this.<P>Sounds like some good things are happening so even though you are afraid, try to enjoy them and love on your H as much as he will allow (and you can stand at this point)--not necessarily affection but notes, going the extra mile for some things. <P>Trust is the hardest thing to rebuild. I think you are on the right track. Keep being you so that H will see you are the one he really loves and needs. I pray his fog will lift soon.<P>Hugs.

Dear Freshstart, It's funny. Even though H says he doesn't love me (sounds like a lamebrain when he does), it's as if I don't hear it because since I've know him all these years, I really believe he still loves me. Sounds desperate doesn't it?? However, I so appreciate your words of understanding because it's still unbearable to hear him talk like that. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I am really trying to do things for him that are less conspicuous. Affection is just so out of the question right now although I yearn for it, he doesn't want to touch. Do you think I should push that?