Okay, my curiosity got the better of me again, and I hooked up H's laptop online and turned on icq to see if anyone has tried to contact him.<P>Well, no messages since the end of May (which is when recovery began), so I was very much relieved. HOWEVER, there was an icq authorization request from OW#1 (yet a new number... anyone want it to trash it??? hehehe) which she sent on July 4th.<P>I was talking to H on the phone, and told him what I had seen, and why I was looking. He did not seem angry at all, which is a relief.<P>I asked him what WE should do about it. He told me that she hasn't tried to call him, even though she has his cell number (and work number). I think his attitude is to just leave it be. <P>But, that's not my style. No way. I am SO TEMPTED to write her (or call her) and tell her to stay the f*** out of our lives!!! I had emailed her near the end of June to ask her nicely to stop contact as H and I are working things out and she is NOT part of that equation (I posted it on here, b/c she left one nasty reply!). <P>I know that by calling/emailing her, I would only be giving her more power, and I hate to do that. I think that's why I'm posting about it on here, just to get some of it out of my system so that I don't do anything stupid.<P>We never did do a no contact letter to her. H wasn't comfortable with it, and with support from here, I was able to realize that it isn't imperative to do one. I do believe him when he says they haven't made contact in any form since my last discovery (on June 21st, our 4th wedding anniversary and the same day I discovered I was pregnant). And I do trust him not to. But I sure as h%ll do NOT trust her.<P>What do you think? Should I insist on a no contact letter? Or just let things go and ignore it (just as H wants to do)? And here comes the overanalysing me, what if she tries again? Then what?<P>Karen<BR>

Karen...<P>If I am not mistaken, icq has a block on it if you do not want to hear from someone. I am not sure, as I uninstalled mine so that OW could not do that to me...hehe. <P>Anyway...why dont you suggest to H, that you are willing to try it his way this time, since it has been so long since there was contact last. But, reach an agreement that if she does it again, that he agree at that time to do that NO Contact letter together to send her a final message, from him, that it is over. I understand his reluctance, but he needs to make it about YOU now. So maybe you two can meet halfway...part his, ultimately yours, since I do believe she will try again... .<P>That way it is a team decision, and you are not LB, since you will accept what he wants to try, but build in a safeguard in case his way does not work!<BR>(This also saves you a prison sentence from ripping her face off, which I know you want to do..hehe!!)<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I have mixed feelings about this. I feel in the beginning of recovery, a "No Contact" letter should have been written. However, you & your H chose not to do that. How far into recovery are you?<P>Let's see...OW's last contact was July 4th...that was a few weeks ago and your H hasn't replied. In addition, as of yet, she hasn't made another attempt.<P>It sounds like your H is ignoring her, hoping that she'll go away. Do you think that she is the type who will just go away, or is she the type who can't stand to be rejected and will try & try again?<P>So many things to consider...How about if, for now, your H ignore the ICQ from July 4th (which he is already doing). However, if she attempts to make contact again, then my suggestion would be, for him to write that "No Contact" letter. It should be blunt and right to the point. Hopefully, she'll get the message.<P>BTW: It took two "No Contact" letters to get rid of the former OW in our marriage. Sometimes, they are so damn persistent and can't accept rejection.

I like the blocking out bit.. but that's hard to do if she keeps on getting new numbers (which is a habit of hers).<P>H and I have talked about just deleting icq from our pc's completely, but haven't gotten around to doing that yet. Instead, we just don't turn it on anymore.<P>The controller in me is just fearful of not having control over her actions (I know, it's impossible to do anyways.. too bad, eh? LOL). There is nothing stopping her from contacting H at work, and I would never know about it. H is supposed to tell her not to contact him again should she call, but I'm not sure if he has it in him to say that. I want to think so. I know that he would WANT to say that. But wanting and doing are two totally different things.<P>Okay.. I'm getting carried away again. I just wish I could learn how to let these kind of things go, without another thought. Part of the learning process we're all trying to achieve here I guess.<P>Karen<BR>

Survivor:<P>We have been in recovery for about 2 months now, not very long I know, but things are going well.<P>I believe OW#1 is the type to be persistant, with long intervals inbetween. She waited a couple of weeks to send the request after I had asked her to stay away. It's only been a couple of weeks now since her last request. I'd bet that another one will come through in the next month or so, if not an actual phone call.<P>I'll talk to H about it when he gets home from work. I will suggest that we just leave it for now, but if she tries again, then I want the no contact letter to be done. I know he just wants to avoid confrontation, that's his way, but in this situation, I don't agree with it.<P>Karen<BR>

Karen - agree with trueheart and survivor. In hindsight, it may have been preferable to do the no contact letter immediately, but maybe wait to see if she contacts again. By not turning on the computer, you're ignoring any further contacts already, but she doesn't know why. Please try hard to ignore the whole thing.<P>WAT

Karen,<P>I agree with the others, curiosity killed the cat. It drives me crazy, I constanly check up on W. Check cell phone and anything else that I can. I drive by where she stays just to see if OM is there or she is gone. I'm not even in recovery (YET I Hope)The no contact letter is a good start. I just set up an appt. with Steve Harley for an hour of his thoughts and ideas of what I should do. I'm not sure how that will turn out but it has to be positive.<BR>Hang in there, you are so much further along than many.<BR>Remember to keep praying, while you may think nothing else is working God is!<BR>GDC<BR>

Persistent, obsessive OP can be a pain in the butt! We have been in recovery for 2-1/2 years! The former OW would initiate contact every 9 to 1+ years. It was incredibly frustrating. But, my H sent the "No Contact" letter each time (twice). We're hoping that she finally gets the message and we don't hear from her another year from now!<P>My suggestion: If your H ends up telling the OW, "No Contact," he should do this in WRITING....NOT by phone, NOT in person. If she has a letter, she can read it over & over again. Maybe it will get through to her thick head that he wants nothing to do with her. Besides, if he does it in person, or over the phone...he might not have the nerve to be mean to her (even though she deserves it)!

I suggest ignoring it ... for now. If OW attempts contact again, then sit down with your H and explian a no-contact letter is something long overdue. That you need it to feel secure in your recovery with him. BUT ... You need his "enthusiastic" agreement on this (POJA) and hopefully he's on-board. <P>Jo