I have planned A'd my butt off, I have changed - I have kept the house, laundry, kids,everything clean for over 1 year now... granted I let it slack for a while. He won't sleep with me. Oh. He's the WS. I caught him at her house so there is no denial. I am so tired. He won't go to counceling. I don't get it. (obvioulsy - I'm not getting nuthin) I think I'm being taken advantage of because I have the higher income. Why is it so hard to kick him out? (we do have three children who we love so dearlu.)<P>WS out there - what could he possibly be thinking? Not to brag at all , but even though I'm in my early 40's, I'm very much in shape and fairly attractive I think. I have men coming on to me fairly often (well, I live in DC so what else is new). Do WS have a problem with guilt or is it only my husben who can't seem to bring himself to touch his wife?

D - I wish I knew the answer. I cannot relate to his reluctance.<P>What do you believe is the current status of the affair? I apologize for not knowing. I don't visit the recovery board very much if you've been posting there.<P>Dave (WAT)

EWO....... Some of us ws are ethical (yeah I know), and are unwilling to use our spouse for sex if our emotions are confused or focused elsewhere. In addition, people come in a variety of "types" and some of us need the emotional/psychological safe place with you to feel desire sexually, the physical for us is not about sex, but a tactile expression of deep emotional connections (otherwise I just feel used). I am a male ws also, and although a male, have no interest in sex as a physical activity, it is all emotional/psychological for me. So as marriage deteriorated with w, sex was sporatic, (a few times in last 5 years, seperate bedrooms etc.). I have done duty sex a few times (since a, d 3/01) cause my wife has expressed intense need, but it does not feel right, and she is not so desirous of duty sex either it turns out (she does not like the feelings either).<P>I obviously have no info on your husband, but a few things come to mind. <P>1. The obvious, the A is still on-going.<P>2. Not likely, but does seem to crop un now and again here, he is homosexual.<P>3. He is in emotional limbo, and is not passionately in-love with you, and this worries him alot, and makes him feel guilty as well.<P>4. Maybe a medical condition, he is unwilling to share with you. Could be psychological, or actually medical.<P>5. Possibly into on-line porn etc, this is far more common than people realize, and the participants come to desire it more than the real thing.<P>IMO no desire is a very serious sign, and should not go on indefinitely. I would plan b a spouse who will not have/discuss sex. If that does not work I would divorce them. IMO (assuming sexualy able people, not ones injured, incapable, etc.), a passionate mutual sexual desire is an integral part of a healthy marriage, and if not there, I would question the validity of the marriage.

Thanks Dave and sad_n_lonely for replying. I haven't been on the board for a few days. I honestly believe the A is over. He's home every night and his days are accountable. Plus he let's me read his email and I see the cell phone bills etc. Of course he may have a prepaid phone card but I doubt it. His behavior now compared to two years ago when the affair was going on is completely different. At any rate, sad_n_lonely, I was intrigued with your response. This man was very "moral" for 15 years before the A. I really think he hit a MLC. I'm thinking your #3 might be what's up with him. And I'm really really hoping it's not #5. We got a computer a few months ago. I'm thinking it's guilt and now awkwardness - I mean, how do you start after all this time and all the arguements? I'm not ready to leave the marriage - heck, I've made it this long (A started 11/90, D was 2/2000, finally ending as far as I can tell by phone records 5/00). Are you still with your wife sad_n_lonely? If so, is there anything that she could do, wear, try, anything? that might get the juices flowing again?<P>Thanks again Dave and sad_n_lonely for replying....

EWO,<BR>You are right, sad-n-lonely's post is pretty insightful...<BR>I am also wondering about #3 and 5, but also wondering if there is still contact...<BR>This is hard, isn't it? His response re a m without intimacy - that it is unhealthy, he would plan B if it continued: I have constantly said same to my H - that it isn't healthy; and I am wondering about my ability to keep putting up with it, waiting for him to "desire me again" - love bank is very low. Not sure what to do, but I do know I need to have a very frank discussion with him - I said that to him this pm - he said "this weekend" - once again he is putting me off.<BR>S