Last night I told my H that he had to decide on 2 days a week to see the kids that we really needed to set up a visitation schedule. I also told him that he couldn't just call or pop over when he felt like it. I told him I am here as your wife when you are ready to work on our problems, but I cannot be your friend right now so please don't call me anymore or come by. My problem is I have been very weak in the past and he knows this, his reply was remember that in 2 days when you are calling me and telling me that you miss me. I know that I can't do that, it has to be absolutely no contact. Today will be day 1. Should I give him the Plan B letter now? He has been playing with my emotions, major head games and it's making me crazy. He says he hasn't done anything to me. Guess it's the fog that he's in. Monday I see my counselor and I will also set up an appt. to see the atty. so that I can get temp. custody of my kids. Hopefully that will make him see how serious I really am about this. I really need some advice about Plan B.

cybil<P>Do you have a copy of SAA? If so stick closely to the letter in there and deliver it as suggested- if not let me know ans I'll try to help you with some exceprts.<P>

SINY,<BR>No I do not have a copy. I would really like to read it I am hopeing to go to the library this weekend to pick up a copy. Any suggestions that you may be able to offer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!<BR>Cybil

cybil - there are quite a few Plan B letters posted on the forum for comment. For two recent ones, search on my username in PlanA/B or search for Rick37's user name in GQII - but you may get too many hits - otherwise look for his by shopping in GQII for posts in June this year.<P>In the meantime, stick to your statements to your H and update us on what you did in Plan A to make changes in yourself based on his criticisms.<P>WAT

First off- if you can go down to your local discount bookseller today it's only about $15- even if you have to borrow the money this is worth it- you need it right now if you are moving into B, get it, you won't regret having it for yourself.<P><BR>For Immediate help here is some of the section on Plan B<P><I>"In most affairs, the betrayed spouse meets some of the wayward spouse's emotional needs, and the lover meets the other needs... This is where Plan B comes in. If the wayward spouse will not totally separate from the lover, then Plan B separates the betrayed spouse- and the needs he or she met- from the wayward spouse. It is a taste of what is to come if divorce actually taskes place."</I><P>skipping alot of typig here- now here is the sample Plan B letter:<P><I>"My Dear Sue,<P>I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.<P>I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.<P>Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children when ever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.<P>I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannt see you under these conditions.<P>As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are wiling to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be wiling to discuss our future together.<P>I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us t separate. I wantto be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.<P>I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.<P>With My Love,<BR>Jon<P>Jon delivered the letter to Sue and he also sent a cpy to greg with a note on the bottom saying:<P>I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance."</I><P>Now obviously you are going to need to insert the top emotional needs of your H (as well as you know them), in place of financial need stuff- that was Sue's biggest needs from Jon, financial support, family support conversation, and affection- he was meeting financial support and family suport and she was fulfiling the rest with Zgregg, so his Plan B letter addressed them all and that he would not be meeting the ones he was meeting now for her until she ended the affair. Get the idea? <P>Good luck- and I highly recommend getting the book to be sure you are going in the direction you want- once you take this step you need to not go back until the afair is over. I highly recommend getting it today and doing some crash reading first to be sure you are taking the right step.<P><BR>

Cybil,<BR>Here's a link to some Plan B info. It is found in the Just Found Out forum, under the post called Notable Posts/Threads. You may find some other useful info there as well. Try this and see if it helps you. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html</A> <P>I'm proud of you for being strong. You can do it. Read as much about Plan B as you can to keep yourslef going.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 28, 2001).]