Hi, <BR>I am new to this sight and have found it very helpful.<BR>This is my first entry so I'll give you my story; sorry if it is long.<BR>My W and I have been married for 5 years in June. We have been together for 8 years. We have 2 children ages 2 & 4. <BR>Four years ago in August I intercepted a answering machine message from the OM(She had just broken off the relationship and he couldn't understand why). At the time I didn't suspect anything. My W gave me a good explaination for the message. She claimed he was a co-worker that was interested in her but she didn't want anything to do with him. I believed her, but there was still some suspicion. <BR>Four months later I was working graveyard shift on patrol and I stopped by our house and my W was in the living room with OM at 1:30 in the morning (I wasn't expected home until 6 AM), they were just wathching tv. This was undeniable evidence in my opinion. My wife denied everything, claiming he was just a friend. I tried to believe her for four years, but it continued to haunt both my wife and I. The whole time she denied it when the subject would come up.<BR>Over the years the jealousy has grown and her lies became more frequent. She would lie about what time she got off work and where she was. This caused more jealousy. I finaly had to stop this destructive cycle. <BR>Four weeks ago I put a recorder on our telephone and staged a fight about the subject. The truth came out when she was talking to her best (female)friend. I was devestated, I thought four years of suspicion and even hard evidence I was prepared for conformation; I was wrong.<BR>I confronted my wife that night. She admitted to the affair. She said the A only lasted 2 months and was only physical twice. When I learned of all the details I found out that my W had gone on a double date with her friend, the friends boyfriend and the OM. I know my W the OM and my wife's best friend all worked together at the time. My W has always been close to her friend from childhood and has alwas gone to her for advice. I believe this friend encouraged this relationship with the OM. Her friend and I have never had a good relationship. My W admits that her friend has always talked negative toward me and our relationship. My W says she doesn't remember talking to her friend about the A until after it was over. But she can't explain how her friend didn't know if they went on a double date together.<BR>In the recording I heard this friend give my wife very bad advice on our relationship that seemed very destructive. This friend told my W that I had been unfaithful and that she shouldn't feel guilty about the A. I don't know why she would say something like that if there was no proof and it was untrue. My W and I have talked about this friend in the past and have both agreed that she has tried to split us up. <BR>I Don't think I can trust this friend with my W, not because she didn't inform me of the A, but because she was involved in it and possibly instigated it. My W is willing to drop the friend in order to save the marriage but would like to continue her relationship with the friend if at all possible. I told my W that it is her decision because I don't want to force her to lose a lifelong friend. My W told the friend not to come around until we solve our problems and get our marriage back.<BR>Can I trust this friend again? Can she trust this friend?<BR>I feel that the friends we keep can influence us in the decisions we make. This friend has showed many examples over the years that she is a bad influence. My W feels now that her friend is seeing a christian man, and knows about our feelings and problems, that her friend may change her bad habits and attitude.<BR>Sorry so long, thanks for any help.

SEM,<P>I would suggest that your W's friend is not going to change. Further, didn't you just overhear her telling you a lie? One that could destroy your marriage? How does your W explain this behavior? How does your W think this behavior is your best interest or even in HER best interest??<P>It seems that this woman is neither your W's nor you best friend or even a friend at all. It would both of you good to be away from this woman.<P>That is my opinion.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

ditto JL.<P>Maybe more important than the friend, what is the status of your marriage? Is it in as good as shape as you think?<P>If you are in a sincere recovery, tell your wife about this site and have her come browse around. Perhaps she will absorb some info about how important honesty in relationships is and figure out on her own that this "friend" is trouble.<P>WAT

When my spouse and I were starting the recovery aspect of it, we made a list of the people in our life that helped and enriched us, and a list of those that hindered us. The fallout from the list was 2 friends. One of mine that has never been very fond of my husband, and one of his that was the OW roommate, ( but was not aware of the affair) We explained as best we could to them that we could not be friends, and left it on good terms. The result is a stronger us. He has become my best friend again, and that was worth it. I was not happy to sacrifice friends on either side but for us it was a necessity for a positive result.

alexy - Wow - a really good approach. I hope I get to apply it someday.<P>WAT

You have got to be kidding? This so called friend of your wife is poison. She has constantly lied about you, pushed your wife into a sexual affair with another man and has done everything to destroy your message. You say you did not wish to force your wife to give up a life long friendship. You need to get a touch of reality. Her friendship is unacceptable. She encouraged your wife to lie to you for years and double dated with your wife and the OM. This person would probably encourage her to do it again. I don't think you should be so unwilling to stand up and fight for your marriage for fear of making your cheating wife upset. Your wife has said she is willing if that what is needed to try to save the marriage. I would continue to monitor your wife by the way because she has been quite good in fooling you. Having another man in your home at 1:30am with your wife and having you believe it was all in your mind is a bit much.<BR>How do you think your wife would feel if the roles were reversed and you had a good male friend who told you your wife was cheating on you and that is was all right to have an affair and double dated with you and your mistress?<BR>The friend should be out of your life and your marriage. Your wife should be doing everything she can do to make you feel at ease. I agree with the above poster who said people's values do not change and this friend will not change. Unfortunately this may apply to your wife also so be very careful.

This is his W here. I understand better now with all of your respondings. My ex-bestfriend's family was like my family too. our children new her as an aunt, and her parents were known as grandparents. Our children ask to go over to see them and I tell not now. I don't like to hurt other people, so that's why it's hard to just give up a life long friend. I guess I feel or shall I say hope that she would change.<BR>To Brynap: I'm sorry you feel he should keep wathcing me. I still feel as guilty today as I did Four years ago, the time of the A. It's hard to go on knowing how much I hurt the Man I love, the man of my dreams.I hope one day that he forgives me.S

To the wife of SEM:<P>I am sorry that I did not read the original letter more carefully. I would certainly say after four years he would not have to monitor you. I thought it was a recent event.<BR>I understand that you do not wish to hurt people but this was a situation where people do get hurt. If your husband feels uneasy about it then simply be honest with this person and tell her your marriage is the number one priority and that is the way it will be. You sound very remorseful and<BR>I hope things will be all right and I would think that after four years things will be better.<BR>The problem with being a betrayed spouse is the constant feeling that the wayward spouse was able to lie so convincingly in the past that it always leads to doubts in the mind of the betrayed spouse in the future. I hope that you both consider marriage counseling and remember to be open and honest about all of your feelings and emotions. I wish you luck.

To SEM's wife<BR> <BR> The friend I gave up in our purging of friends was a lady I had known since i was 16, She and I lived together, went to school together. I help her through her first husbands wayward ways, and that left her bitter. When she found out about my spouses wayward ways, she offered no positive support, and proceeded to bash him at every chance. I love her like a sister, however, my husbands feelings are more important to me. My friend and I had a long talk and she understood why she could not be a part of my life. During the recovery process, you will be better served surrounding your marriage with positive influences, than the ones that will drag you down. Your friend will never be seen in the FRIEND light in your husbands eyes ever again. She was an accessory to the crime, that was her choice. I will tell you that as a friend, I will never help anyone CHEAT on their spouse. As a friend, I do not consider that a friend thing to do. <P> Sorry, but sometimes you have to make choices that you do not like to make the other happy or to survive in general. I think this might be one of those times for you. I will not tell you what you should do, you can decide that yourself. I can tell you that you and your husband maybe should make the list of friends and discuss what each one truly brings into your life, and go from there. Good Luck.

SEM and wife:<BR>I am so glad you are here. We welcome both of you here, and i hope you read the MB principles as well as the postings here, and you two can grow individually, as well as together. Feel free to post to us anytime and ask questions.<P>It's a good idea for you both to read the principles on the Marriagebuilders web-site, as well as His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair. Both great books!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

To SEM's W - your sincerity comes through. Sounds like you guys are well along towards a happier marriage. Congrats.<P>Both of you, please consider becoming active posters. Your experiences may help and inspire others here, and maybe there are some things you can still improve on.<P>Welcome,<BR>WAT

SEM's W,<P>I hope you realize that while the affair was 4 years ago, the recent discovery by your H makes it seem to him as if it were indeed a month ago. More importantly the 4 years of lies have not helped things at all. There will be strong tendency for you to feel "alright it is out, I'm sorry, lets get on with the marriage." It is after all old hat to you. But your H won't and cannot feel this way. It will take him a long time to recover. Do him and yourself a hugh favor, give him time for it is going to take time. There is alot to heal.<P>You are no doubt reading this thinking: Soooo! <P>Let me offer you some suggestions. First, go to the "Just Found Out" section of this forum. There you will find general greetings from either NSR or Onegoing. Within those greetings there are bookmarked many articles. I would suggest that you and your H read particularly the articles on the 4 rules for a successful marriage and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. <P>Harley has found that "radical" honesty is probably the best way if not the truely only way to restore a marriage. The 4 rules are very common sense, much like the Golden Rule in the Bible. But when you reflect on your marriage I suspect that although the rules are common sense they have not been followed in your case.<P>Finally, I would suggest two books to you. First, Surviving an Affair, by Harley. This will give you new insights into what has happened and how to heal from it. The other book I would recommend is that you read is His Needs Her Needs also by Harley. <P>It is probably true that your marriage wasn't perfect before the affair and certainly not after it. Both of you need to work to change that. This book will help there.<P>SEM's W it is very good of you to read and post here. I hope you come back and ask more questions. I appreciate the idea of losing someone you have known since childhood is very traumatic. But it would seem to an outsider, that she hasn't been in your corner for a long time. The lie about the affair your H supposedly had is pretty clear evidence of this. I don't pretend to understand why she feels this way, could be jealousy or something, but obviously she does.<P>Rebuild your marriage, you can do it.<P>SEM, much of this will ride on your shoulders. I know it isn't fair, but it will. You do have a choice. You can heal and work on rebuilding, or you can leave. You do have this choice. You do have children so the best choice is to remain in the marriage if at all possible.<P>I would suggest to you that your marriage can be rebuilt, and in many ways made much better than it was. I know you will have grave doubts about many things due to the lies, but I think if you and your W can approach the marriage with the concept of radical honesty firmly in your minds, you and she will be very successful.<P>Many things to think about. Do that, talk with each other, and give it time.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P><p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited July 30, 2001).]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I feel that my W and I are on the right track to recovery. I have been in law enforcement for 5 years and feel that I was very confident and had strong caractor until now. I feel that this whole thing has broken my spirit. I have always been happy with our marriage and feel that, although it has been very painful, I can get through it. I can say that my confidence has blurred my vision of the real world, normaly I deal with this stuff at work not at home. I do feel my W realizes she made a big mistake and is sincere about her feelings. I worry that I will not be able to trust her in the future, that was the reason for the recording, I wanted to prove my suspicions wrong.<BR>We have already gone through almost all of the web sight and read most things in the infedelity part including the rule of honesty. We both look forward to reading it together; it's a great way to talk about how we feel about these issues and how we feel in general. <BR>Another concern is that my W seems to be feeling very depressed and guilty about it. I have been trying to cheer her up but it is hard dealing with my own emotions. I stopped working over time and we spend a lot of time together now, and we have been going to counciling every week. <BR>Thank you all again, I feel my W has heard your opinions and insight and will make the right decision. I will continue to read this forum and I will participate when I can.E

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SEM:<BR><B>Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I feel that my W and I are on the right track to recovery. I have been in law enforcement for 5 years and feel that I was very confident and had strong caractor until now. I feel that this whole thing has broken my spirit. I have always been happy with our marriage and feel that, although it has been very painful, I can get through it. I can say that my confidence has blurred my vision of the real world, normaly I deal with this stuff at work not at home. I do feel my W realizes she made a big mistake and is sincere about her feelings. I worry that I will not be able to trust her in the future, that was the reason for the recording, I wanted to prove my suspicions wrong.<BR>We have already gone through almost all of the web sight and read most things in the infedelity part including the rule of honesty. We both look forward to reading it together; it's a great way to talk about how we feel about these issues and how we feel in general. <BR>Another concern is that my W seems to be feeling very depressed and guilty about it. I have been trying to cheer her up but it is hard dealing with my own emotions. I stopped working over time and we spend a lot of time together now, and we have been going to counciling every week. <BR> <BR>Bryanp, Thank you for your insight I agree she was very convincing in her lies and this is a problem with my trust for her. Also, I would like to take you up on the advice on demanding she drop the friend but my own feeling of guilt get in the way. I am also concerned that W will either go behind my back and lie or will be angry toward me in the future for making her choose.<P>Just learning, WOW, you were right on the money on how I feel four years ago feels like yesterday. thanks<P>Thank you all again, I feel my W has heard your opinions and insight and will make the right decision. I will continue to read this forum and I will participate when I can.E</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

SEM and SEM's wife...<P>As a WS, I just want to add my sentiments to what has been said in congratulating on you on the right steps. I just want to lend my support in all you are going to go through, and if I can lend a hand in anything, as far as understanding anything from a WS standpoint, I will be here!<P>To SEMs wife...<P>Congrats on your realization of what your H means to you!! Just letting you know ahead of time, I admire your courage and commitment to him in giving up your friend that could damage your efforts to stay together. Put H first in all you do and understand that there may be days he wants to talk to you about things, not to hurt you, but to understand and cope. It is sort of like opening a wound to let the poison out! Give him your love and understanding and you two will recover!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.*<P>Trueheart