Maybe I should rather use a baseball analogy, you know, "hardball" and the stupid "designated hitter."<P>Here's the real question: In my Plan B, how tough should I be? (I apologize for being such a high maintenance item recently.)<P>Keep in mind that my wife can start the divorce process Aug. 20 and the affair is now about 14 months along and she shows no signs of coming up for air. I went to Plan B about three weeks ago. She has never admitted any wrongdoing and has refused to constructively participate in counseling.<P>By my own assessment, I have two HUGE aces up my sleeve: money and control of our son's childcare (equates to some control of how much she can see him).<P>First the money part. Today she delivered an itemized list of expenses she thinks I owe her plus a check for $2000 because she knows she owes me a lot on the bottom line. The expenses she thinks I owe her are grossly incorrect. She's itemized things that are no where close to being stipulated in our separation agreement. In addition, I am producing an itemized list for her dating back to February that totals over $5000 - all legit expenses associated mostly with our son's private school and childcare expenses - all explicitly stipulated in our legal separation. There's no way she can afford to pay up anytime soon. She's already cancelled a vacation with <son> because she can't afford to go anywhere.<P>I intend to be all business with the money stuff. This may piss her off because I'll hold the line on the expenses she agreed to pay in the legal separation she proposed. She knows me and she should expect this. She knows I keep pristine records. If she files for divorce, I'll immediately stall everything because she hasn't abided by our separation agreement. My sense is, she wants a quickie and will do anything to prevent a delay.<P>My other ace is control of the au pair for which she is obligated to pay half of all expenses - again, as she proposed in the separation she insisted upon. In my Plan A, I was very liberal with how much of the au pair's services I allowed her to use. I allowed the au pair to go to my wife's apartment early in the weekday mornings so my wife could go to work. I was doing this as a Plan A gesture. I don't have to. I can yank this benefit and make her forfeit time with our son or spend more money on her own childcare. I have her over a barrel on this. Our son is dear to her and any threat that may limit her time with him is very inciting and powerful.<P>What should I gamble? Play hard ball all the way at the risk of royally pissing her off and appearing vindictive and manipulating, or try a measured approach, e.g., let her use the au pair - an olive branch or a bargaining chip for a future draft choice such as agreeing to counseling. OR, will I be totally unreasonable withholding the au pair services for which she pays half? She believes that because she pays half, she gets half control. In my view, the au pair works ONLY for me, I'm the one on the contract, MY house is her legal place of employment, and it's at my discretion if I assign her to work some at my wife's apartment. Nothing obligates me to do this.<P>How tough should I be? I'm willing to negotiate some of this if it will get my wife to counseling. Otherwise, I can play tough love all the way. I don't think I have anything to lose by gambling.<P>WAT

Dave,<P>Don't be tough, be fair. What is fair? Giving her everything she asked for in the separation agreement. I would do it in a respectful way, try to avoid LB's, but it is the agreement she wanted. So be fair with her.<P> <P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dave,<P>I would go with the measured approach but I am not the toughest person around, push over might be a better term<P>As much as I would like to get a hold of your W, I have always had a problem with the au pair thing, I don't why. I guess maybe because it is the best way for your son. would he resent you if he got to spend less time with your W, or would he rather just stay in one place during the week, he is getting close to the age where what he wants counts<P>Now remember I am coming from all the problems I have had with OS in the last yr.<P><BR>

OK, I have a thought , and again - only my 2 cents worth. <disclaimer> <P>Seems to me, honestly, that if W were paying 1/2 of au pair expenses, she should have some say-so, and perhaps the morning thing should be what she gets for her share in the expense. If you want sole "control" and use of Taz, you should pay full amount. If you "yank" her morning services, and "forfeit time with son", is that putting your son in the middle of the struggle? Your W would have to replace Taz for those mornings if she wants to spend time with son right? Then why would she have to pay 1/2 of Taz expenses? I guess maybe I still don't understand why your W pays 1/2, but appears to get no benefit except the morning thingee.<P>The other stuff - the $5000, sounds legit to me. Just be honest and "business-like" as you say.<BR> <BR>Just my thoughts and opinion, as I see it, and I'm sure I don't understand all the facts.

Worth...<P>Exactly..what is it all worth ?? Are you trying to hang on to something that sounds like it may be over ? Punishing your W will also punish you & your son. God works in mysterious ways..let the one in charge do the punishing & you make a new happy life for you & your son.<P>Not so easy for me to say because I'm not even starting Plan A, but I'm so sick of myself for being so manipulative & vindictive because of my hurt & anger. I'm sure if I end up at Plan B I'll be kicking myself for writing this to you, but I'm trying to be optimistic in such a negative world.<P>Financial...be as fair as possible..I know it doesn't seem right, but it's only money.

Hmmmm.... Hardball... I can appreciate your situation, buddy... It seems that one of my areas of impact seems to be money with my W... I think you're certainly correct in abiding my the terms of the agreement... Lately, my W seems to be Eggo-ing a little bit about ours... and no, she hasn't signed it yet, which is another story, one you can read on my brand new post!<P>But back to you... you know, my feeling is that if it's financially tough on her, too bad. Like you said, she drafted the agreement, right? She's made the bed, you know the rest. And you know, all she has to do to fix it financially is put forth a genuine effort to repair the marriage, right? I mean, if my W would choose to work on our M with me, well I'd gladly take back over all of that debt, but if she's going to just run off with the <BR>OM and use me, well, no thanks!<P>I think you've got to stick to your guns, yes, but I believe you have to do it in as "nice" of a way as possible. Just stick to the rules of the agreement, and explain in a positive way the way things have to be. You may have to remind her that this is what she wanted. Now, if she's anything like my W, this fact won't matter a bit and she'll still be upset and irrational, but you've got to stand firm.<P>Regarding your son, I believe that some leniency here may be in order... i.e. I think it would be a good idea to keep allowing the Wed. thing and similar incidents just because to NOT do so could really incite bad feelings on her part. Is this a Plan A type gesture? Well, I don't think so. You're not actively doing something for her, (well, I guess you sort of are) but if you threaten/take away contact, then you ARE doing something negative... I think it's a bad idea... Just my opinion... I think she'll come to appreciate it eventually...<P>So you think she's gonna jump on the 20th? I hear that it's a lot harder than it seems when you really get to the day to do it...<P>zen

Thanks you guys for the quick responses.<P>Faith - this is what I need to be challenged on. Am I unreasonable in stacking claim to controlling the au pair?<P>My take: My wife left against my son's and my wishes. She demanded a legal separation to "protect herself" financially. She proposed the terms including that she has to pay half of ALL childcare expenses. The au pair is solely for childcare and is MY employee. Her legal place of employment is MY house. My wife has no legal influence via the au pair's contract. As far as the au pair is concerned, my wife doesn't exist. The way I see it, I have no legal obligation to direct my au pair to provide childcare services at my wife's residence. Why should I? But I'm smart enough to know that it may be in my best interest to do so if I want to reconcile my marriage.<P>Yes, I can be fair. I want to be fair, but something inside me says "don't enable her."<P>WAT

WAT,<P> Not familiar with your separation agreement but I'm with you on the $$$ as long as what your looking for follows the agreement to the letter. I'm not real sure I could agree with splitting contractual hairs about the au pair. I've always though of an au pair as a person who fills a domestic void while giving a sense of stability to the children. The au pair is there for your son first. I know it's a hard pill to swallow but you must try to do everything possible to keep your son from being used as a tool of manipulation. Instead of looking for fairness within that situation it might be better to consider that fact that your son is receiving the same level of care that meets your expectations when the au pair is used at his mothers. When it comes to children the best way to measure fairness is what is fair to them. Sorry if it's not what you looking to hear, but right now your sons world is likely upside down and anything you can do to make it better is the way to go.<P><BR>

Hi Dave, Dittos to High Infidelity with regards to the au pair. Do what is in your son's best interest, and forget the "ace up your sleeve" angle. <P>As for money, hold her to it. Anything less is enabling.<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

OK, I'm an old dog, but I can be trained.<P>You guys are right. I'll keep my son's best interests at the forefront instead of the principle of the au pair situation. I guess I can get still some principled worth out of it by gently communicating that I'm sharing the au pair services as a goodwill gesture, not because she is entitled.<P>On the money front, a little more elaboration: A good deal of the expenses she thinks I owe are discretionary expenses that perhaps indicate her state of mind. For example, she wants me to pay half for <son's> knee pads and helmet for skating to be kept at her apartment. He already has these things at my house. She wants me to pay half for clothing she has bought for <son> to be kept at her apartment. (This is what I pay child support for.) And, a real ballsey move, she wants me to pay half to get HER dogs groomed that live in MY house, that I feed, and who pee on MY floor. The list goes on and on.<P>It seems she wants to maintain a "family" approach to these type expenses. I'm thinking of a response like this: "Dear <wife>, I'm sorry to have to say that these type expenses are not specified as "shared expenses" in the separation document. Accordingly, I am not obligated to reimburse you for them. However, I would love to share these "family" expenses, and derive the "family" benefits with you and <son> in a family setting. Until our family is reunited, I cannot do this."<P>WAT